posted December 07, 2006 05:01 PM              

The names have been released of the six men who were detained yesterday under the 2005 Frightening Act. Jason Voorhies, Freddy Kruger, Michael Myers, Pennywise the Clown and Pin Head, all of whom have been frightening the globe in a campaign lasting since the 1980s, were arrested along with the cell's leader, Christopher Lee CBE, under suspicion of being very frightening.

"This has been a very successful operation, particularly in regards to the capture of Mr Lee - a frightener of more than fifty years' experience who we believe inspired many other characters to be frightening," said senior police officer Douglas Ramsbottom. "The evidence is conclusive; much of it we have on tape or actually DVD these days. We have reason to believe that this cell was plotting a major operation involving severe fright to attendees at this year's Horror Film Festival."

The arrests will come as a major boost to the popularity of Tony Blair, who has taken considerable criticism over his war on fright in the past few months. Opponents say that several million pounds and many innocent people have been sacrificed in a war against a potentially fictional enemy.

"The arrest of characters such as Pin Head and Pennywise the Clown prove unequivocally that this is a real war against a real enemy," Mr Blair said. "However, we must not be complacent as there are still many frightening characters on the loose."

Tory "leader" David Cameron, who was instrumental in the arrest of his predecessor Michael Howard under the Frightening Act, said: "This is little more than a publicity stunt by Mr Blair most of these characters are no longer frightening at all; many have in fact become quite comical."

It is suspected that Tony Blair will soon be offering his support to American plans to invade Japan, the country which President Bush has described as being "where all the really creepy stuff comes from".

Police have asked for anyone who comes into contact with the ghostly presence of Carol Smiley to dial 999 immediately.

http://www.deadbrain.co.uk/news/article_2006_09_18_1800.php

posted December 08, 2006 11:48 AM              

Procol Harem deny writing A Whiter Shade of Pale
24 Nov 2006 by Paul Tanter

The court feud between former members of Procol Harem continues as all parties deny writing the lyrics to the song.

The legal fight between Gary Brooker and Keith Reid originally began over who composed Bach's intro to the song, but both men resorted to mudslinging in court, each accusing the other of writing the bafflingly gibberish lyrics to the 1967 hit.

Judge Justice Ramsbottom was given a copy of the lyrics to study, including such nonsense lines as, "The room was humming harder as the ceiling flew away", and, "I wandered through my playing cards
and would not let her be
one of sixteen vestal virgins
who were leaving for the coast
and although my eyes were open
they might have just as well've been closed".

Having finished reading the song, Mr Ramsbottom remarked, "How exactly does one "Skip the light fandango?"

All former band members are trying to distance themselves from the lyrics to the song.

Mr Ramsbottom had to call a halt to proceedings shortly before lunch, as his mouth was then like cardboard seemed to slip straight through his head, so he crash-dived straightway quickly and attacked the ocean bed.

posted December 11, 2006 07:31 PM              

Israel arrests all Arab governments

In a dramatic bid to alter the Middle East's political landscape, Israel last night announced that it had succeeded in apprehending the governments of virtually every Arab state, as well as the Palestinian Authority. "We left Kuwait alone, because we have to get our oil from somewhere," explained Israel's embattled Defence Minister Amir Peretz.

The flood of hapless ministers and staff threatened to overwhelm the already overstretched Israeli penal system. "We may have to send some of these guys to Gitmo," said a source involved in planning the unprecedented operation.

Reaction from the Arab world was muted. "Basically, it's been pretty quiet," the source said. "We had hoped to hear ransom offers or something, but nobody really seems to miss them." The source said he could "neither confirm nor deny" reports that someone had offered "a bag of top quality hash" for Syrian President Bashar Assad.

American Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice immediately offered her congratulations to Israel for "striking a bold and decisive blow for democracy" in the region. "We, like the Israelis, have longed believed in the transformative powers of mass incarceration," Rice told a group of reporters, adding that "we are today witnessing the afterbirth of the new Middle East."

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad reacted harshly to Israel's move, telling a crowd of cheering supporters that "if we ever figure this damned nuclear thingie out, they'll be in really big trouble". Ahmadinejad then gave a toll-free number to call "if anyone out there knows anything about uranium enrichment".

However, the arrests may actually benefit Iran, according to Douglas Ramsbottom, professor of conflict exacerbation at Yale University. "Iran may finally achieve the Islamic leadership role it has long sought now that the vast majority of Muslim governments have been clapped in irons," Ramsbottom said.

No-one from the Israeli government was available to comment.

posted December 12, 2006 06:23 PM              

Fox News, the American television channel alleged by some to contain material of a contemporary factual nature, is to break new ground by copying an idea seen on other 'news' channels. An innovative strand, known simply as 'the news', will include factual reports from journalists based in a variety of locations – including outside the US – about current events. In a major departure for the channel, the reports will be told 'straight', without any hint of bias, bile or comedy.

"This is new for us," said a Fox spokesman. "We have a fantastic reputation around the world for our spoof news and satire programming – we're like The Daily Show for conservatives – but we've never done straight news before."

The channel's new project is, however, only a pilot. "We don't know how this will work out without the jokes," the spokesman added. "We'll be monitoring audience reaction live, and if they don't like it we'll have features on liberals wanting to kill babies and climate change being invented by al Qaeda to go to. Just in case."

The Murdoch-owned channel is currently attracting controversy after planning to show an OJ Simpson interview with the working title 'How to kill people (not that I ever have)'. The interview and associated book have now been cancelled on the grounds that they were a stupid idea.

http://www.deadbrain.co.uk/news/article_2006_11_21_2843.php