posted November 10, 2002 11:28 PM         

What the hell?
Why won’t they help?
Unless I say
I’ll kill myself
Then everyone runs
To prevent tragedy
But till then it’s only
A problem I tackle futilely

I can’t deal
I want out now
The trigger will get teased
The knife threatened
Not because
They’re real ideas,
But because
They can be seen

My mind overloads
And anxiety overheats
Tears are the only friend
Who want to deal with my scraps
All other beings
Are silently astray
Absorbed in their drama
They can’t look my way

Why aren’t I serious?
In the eyes of the world
I spin frantically in the depths
I prayed were long gone
I banished those eons ago
Why do they still linger?
Dangling on to spoil
What I had hoped was success

Spine-crushing anguish
The Ego was slain
Nothing remains to evidence
What might have been fully sane
A normalcy I found
And tried hard to keep
Giving pulp I didn’t have
In vain, I slid down again too deep

posted November 11, 2002 12:24 PM         

i just wanted to express to you how much i enjoy reading your work. thank you for posting them on the website. sometimes i would like to read more of your previous work, but can't seem to find them because they are on single threads. would you mind creating a single thread and posting them all on there? that way they are all together as a collection. it's a beautiful way to see how people grow.

i also write poetry to express my deep feelings. there is something musical, ebbing and comforting about making words dance on paper. it's like an epiphany being able to scribe letters that sing out what we feel.

i am currenty reading Ovid, Horace, Borges, and Cattullus.

are you seeking professional help for your depression? it is never a sign of weakness or defeat to enlist in the help of someone who would be able to help guide us to a healthy state---physically, mentally, and emotionally.

i believe you are worth all the joys the universe has to offer. it is something for someone to believe and expect in you, but you have to know it for yourself too.

posted November 11, 2002 12:59 PM         

It's funny you should ask about my previous works because I just recently felt inspired to begin putting all my poetry together in some form of chronological order. I have a bad habit of writing on whatever material happens to be nearby when the urge to express myself comes, so as you can imagine, it's scattered all over the place. If you'd like, I can mail you (snail or e-mail) you a copy of it once I've gotten it put in a semblence of organization, which should be finished soon.

Yes, it is an awesome feeling to be able to put words together that express and make sense of inner emotions.

I did seek professional help for a while, but then my schedule of the last few months made appointments almost impossible to keep. Life, activity-wise has slowed down, so I'm keeping return to it as a viable solution for the future. But see, it seems when I have the chance to talk it out each week with a skilled person, major things aren't going wrong, so it feels like a waste of time, yet the times when I don't have that resource are the only times when issues that need dealing with come up.

I know it will come down to whther I believe good things about myself... Yet it's so darn hard having that confidence and self-esteem when so many people are making me feel inferior and bringing me down with their hurtful words.
I will get through it, that much I know cause my :Aries: rising won;t let me give up on anything, myself included.

Thanks for your support. It means more than you can realize.

posted November 12, 2002 12:11 AM         

I have over come drug addiction and other forms of self destruction, but you know what, I still struggle with those feelings. Well I rambled but (((hugs))) and love and light.

posted November 13, 2002 08:47 AM         

I try to puzzle out what brought those bad feelings – there’s almost always a specific cause for a general bad feeling. I don’t try to judge it at all – I just look at it and think, WHY? Not as in ‘What’s wrong with me’, mind you – just, why, what is there in me that allows this to bother me? And always, always, I find out something new about myself; something I never suspected was there. It makes me scurry to my writing desk and I fill whole pages with the new things I discovered.

And the moment I gain that, I feel, ‘Well! That was useful! I still feel pretty crap ) – but I didn’t waste my time going through all that.’ Sometimes I had those kinds of suicidal feelings… and then I thought, No Way! It’s much more interesting being like this. How interesting would it be if everything went smoothly, all the time. How unfortunate are the fortunate – they never got to look this deeply into themselves. Plus, we get some great poetry out of it, heheheheh! Worth the price, yes?