posted May 23, 2003 10:22 AM         

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Journal Entry 8th February 2000 Tuesday, 4:24 P.M.

It’s been awhile, hasn’t it, old friend? My confidante – my journal, my pen, my mind. A melancholy has come over me. A quiet sadness I cannot shake. The pages of this journal are filled with the tears, loss, anger, and pain that has brought me to this present state; state of consciousness, state of mind, state of life. I feel alone in a crowded room – faced with the reality of the truth I’ve come to understand – that is only ourselves. The connection that I seek from another can be found only in myself and with myself. There is no one to please, no one to live up to or for except myself. It as freeing a realization as it is an isolating one.

The world is made up of people living for and to everyone else – everyone but themselves. They take care of, do for, put up with, take from, give to everyone around them in the name of “love”. Yet, not a one of them does anything for themselves. Not a one of them truly love themselves and, therefore, can never truly love another. To love oneself is to know oneself and people are afraid to really know themselves. So they take on other’s identities, likes, dislikes, opinions, views, styles, and lifestyles. They never make their own mind up about anything because they don’t know their own minds. That comes with a responsibility they aren’t willing to take on. So they gobble up the lives of others; our much sought-after celebrities, religions, groups, and cliques. It is so much easier to live through others and take own their truths than to make your own life and mind up. And they follow these beliefs and ideals of others with such passion and fervor as to be blind to all other thoughts, possibilities, or ideas. Such is the current state of our living-dead world. Zombies; cattle. The masses following the masses. The blind leading the blind. All of them oblivious to the truth behind the Matrix.

Yet, I am awake! I am me – proud – conforming to nothing and with an open mind! Knowing there is a little truth in everything instead of One Big Truth, accepting the impossible as possible, gaining wisdom from every moment. To know the Truth is to know there is no Truth – no right or wrong – there just is. To know it all is to know you don’t and never will. I search with an unquenchable thirst – learning all the way! I am an explorer, a journeyman, a traveler of the deeper, esoteric world. The unseen, the unknown, the mystery – this is what drives me; propels me forward on new journeys as dark corners of my mind are lit with the evergrowing bright light of my enlightened soul.

Such is my wonderous, joyous, and lonely journey. I feel isolated – shunned from the world in which I live. I am one who “rocks the boat” of their constricted, one-sided, and often hypocritical lives. I do not sleepwalk through life as they do. I live out loud! And my din causes some to stir, and some to even wake up! They resent this – this burden of true freedom I represent to them. Wake up, world! There is so much more if you would only open your eyes, your ears, your heart and mind. Really see! Truly hear! Completely feel! Look and see what isn’t there, hear what isn’t heard, feel what isn’t felt! Something is there! Wake up! Open up! Experience life; don’t drift through it drugged with the preoccupations of the 3rd dimension. There is definitely more! I am nearly alone in my travels, however. Alone in a crowded room. “I’m never alone, I’m alone all the time…” (Bush).

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The unseen, the unknown, the mystery - this is what drives me; propels me forward on new journeys as dark corners of my mind are lit with the evergrowing bright light of my enlightened soul.

posted May 23, 2003 12:27 PM         

Wake up! Open up! Experience life; don’t drift through it drugged with the preoccupations of the 3rd dimension. There is definitely more

posted May 23, 2003 01:12 PM         

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The unseen, the unknown, the mystery - this is what drives me; propels me forward on new journeys as dark corners of my mind are lit with the evergrowing bright light of my enlightened soul.

posted May 26, 2003 07:15 AM         

I've been feeling increasingly aware that I need to 'let go'of something.I feel hyper aware of how people try to control each other,the minute I feel like I'm being pulled into someone's control trip,I'm out of there,so I often cut people off and the result is that I have to turn and face my path,on my own.

posted May 27, 2003 12:46 PM         

mazz - thank you so much for the beautiful compliments..would love to talk more with you; please email me anytime

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The unseen, the unknown, the mystery - this is what drives me; propels me forward on new journeys as dark corners of my mind are lit with the evergrowing bright light of my enlightened soul.