posted July 24, 2004 10:11 PM         

Watching the bo0b t0ob the other day and on pops another stupid soft drink commercial. Before I get into exactly WHY I thought it was so stupid, let me start, instead, by mentioning that I recently started selling a product (my own) which, I´m proud to say, I´ve had a great deal of success selling.

When I tell people about my product, I tell them about what the product is, what it is made of that makes it superior, and why it is that I am so sure that they will like the product.

It is made of the finest ingredients/materials and prepared under the strictest quality controlled conditions with only the best of the bunch making their way to my customers.

I explain that my product is 100% satisfaction guaranteed, with a complete money-back refund offered if they are not completely satisfied.

Back to this commercial on the TV.

So all of these half dressed people decide to show me their navels while dancing with this famous pop star who is ALSO showing her navel (a hip little bit of choreography somewhat reminiscent of the buck n´wing of my grampa´s day...or the funky chicken of the 70´s.)

They are all singing about how there is a new kind of joy, how each generation has it´s own way of thinking and of making a statement. They conclude the number by mentioning the product name and saying that if you think young, this stuff´s for you.

Why? I´m not really sure, they didn´t go into it. INSTEAD, she smiled and winked at me after cocking her over-exposed face to one side, perhaps to assure me that she was indeed as cute as could be. I guess that was supposed to assure me of the sincerity of her claim.

I decided to try and get a better understanding of the product that I was being asked to shell out my hard earned dough for, so I broke down the commercial and tried to make sense of it in terms of what it had told ME, the buyer, about said product.

Well, immediately I recognized the company´s logo and realized that they were pitching a soft drink.

After that, however, they might as well have been pitching a soft BALL, because that´s where the whole commercial took a trip into the land of make believe.

I found the idea that half naked pop singers know soft drinks better than me a bit ridiculous and more than a bit insulting. Granted, she´s probably had quite a few, but then again, so has my neighbor across the street. Judging by his gut, he seems to prefer beer (he also happens to dance a fairly passable funky chicken after downing a few, but it has YET to make me thirsty.)

As for the dancing, well I´ve drunk this stuff before folks. It´ll make you do a little dance alright, but only if the restroom´s occupied or if the bus you´re on happens to make infrequent stops. The stuff is chock full o´sugar and caffeine and might make you and/or your kids bounce off of the walls, but it WON´t make you a better dancer, and I GUARANTEE that drinking one won´t get the rest of that pop singer´s clothes off (although I imagine that another 30 seconds of her swinging her limbs around like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz could probably have done the trick. Maybe THAT´s why it was only a 30 second spot. She gets punched in the face by Austin Powers in the 60 second one. )

The rest of the commercial´s message seemed to be that SOMEHOW this product, with over 100 years on the market (It was introduced under it´s current brand name in 1898 and had become hugely successful by 1902), was specifically and EXCLUSIVELY for the current, YOUNGER generation, asking the viewer to overlook entirely the fact that his or her great-grandparents had tried the stuff and, apparently, liked it, because here they were, still in business and still pitching the swill over 100 years later.(I won´t get into my thoughts on why I felt that my great-grandparents would have been an infinitely more reliable source than this pop star.)

So, what had they told me about their product that had a single basis in fact...other than it´s name?

The answer was more than a little disconcerting, particularly when I took into account the fact that all-bullsh*t commercials like this one MUST help to sell products like crazy, or they wouldn´t keep making them.

That´s right, NO information, all bullsh*t...period.

Hell, one even had the balls to make fun of the OTHER companies using hype in their commercials. Obey my thirst, INDEED! MY thirst craves an ice cold glass of lemonade or some cold juice. Hell, sometimes my thirst actually craves WATER...can you believe it?! Now I may crave sugar and caffeine, but my thirst definitely does NOT. That´s a scientific FACT.

So what do these infoless-mercials say about us as consumers?

That we are mindless, drooling popstar fixated idiots, dying to appear youthful and/or obsessed with NOT appearing in any way shape or form to enjoy those things that our parents do?

Probably. Whatever it says about us, one thing I DO know for sure; my 8 year old thinks young and he drinks lemonade.

posted July 27, 2004 04:17 PM         

But we don't think of each other as family. We're taught from birth about the danger of strangers, and so they are separate from us in our minds...

Yea I thought this was one of the funnier pieces I've written.

silverbells,

I used to sell burritos, tortas, tamales, caldos and sopas along with drinks. We always had a money back guarantee. Only one person ever took us up on it. The guarantee went something like this:

I am so sure you'll like this tamale, that if you don't like it, you may throw it at me and I'll give you your money back.

I would never have done that with gringos. (They would have covered me with food!)

Mexicans are very socially responsible about things like that. The one person that returned a food item had a legitimate complaint. Her tamale was undercooked. I gave her money back, a replacement tamale and a soda.

posted August 01, 2004 03:41 AM         

You are right about what we are taught, but unfortunately, even famlies do harm to one another.