Posts: 138
From: Heiskell, TN 37754
Registered: Dec 2004

posted June 21, 2005 11:05 PM         

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I woke up at 6 a.m. the other morning to find myself leaning over and saying "I love you." only to find I was alone in that bed and had been for a long time now.
I haven't seemed to stop crying yet and it seems like I could fill a river with the tears I've shed.
I have stared at the rest of the world in absolute amazement when I discovered that it was moving along as it always did.
I have had a sense of dread and doom fill my heart to such proportions that it felt like I would explode.
I have felt my heart reach its breaking point only to discover that it is possible to break an already broken heart, every time I speak to you.
I have cried in the middle of a store holding onto a doll that reminded me of her and had strangers walk up to me and ask if I was ok when I so obviously wasn't.
I have sniped and bit at those who love me most because the ones I love most have forgotten I am alive and I can't seem to let go.
I have listened to the ring of your phone over and over and over knowing you were looking right at it, only to have you not answer or worse..answer and hang up without speaking.
I have left message after message with them trying to get you to just speak to me only to have you never return the call.
I have become obsessed in a sense that I am losing myself in my love for you, I am forgetting what it was like to be me without you...it has been too long and yet somehow..only 3 months or so.
I have sent my prayers to heaven each and every night asking God to keep you and she safe from all harm, asking God to keep you whole in heart, mind, body, and soul, asking God to allow me to see you smile at me ONE more time.
I have wished upon every star.
Cried upon my own shoulder.
Listened to our song to the point that the cd is warped now.
I have gotten so angry that I got into a fight with an inanimate object..what did the wall ever do to me?
I have ignored those who are worried about me to sit and think about you and her, to wonder and worry if ya'll were ok and if ya'll have everything you need.
I have written more words for you from my heart, sharing secrets that you'll never know I even held.
I have dreamed of every memory that we made, every word we spoke, every laugh we shared, every time we touched, kissed, or just held on as passion ran over.
I have had only one recurring night mare though amongst all those dream/memories, in it you have moved on and without even telling me that our break had turned into a break up.
If you want to leave, or if you want me to leave, don't give me the taking a break crap,
don't ask me to wait for something that will never come baby, I'm not made of that.
I bought an outfit yesterday for our girl, this angel that I love as if she were my own, and then realized that I had probably crossed a line.
A line I didn't know was there but at this particular time, I've discovered that lines have a way of drawing themselves.
I have tried to work out the pain only to discover that emotional and physical are no different from each other, to me it all feels the same.
I have tried to tell myself I am being selfish in my love and maybe all is well, but I hear that dial tone one more time, and hear that phone ring 29 times with out you answering.
I've never known you not to answer your phone.
I can't sleep as cliche as it sounds, I really can't...it takes up too much time.
I have tried to let it go, to give you time, but something in my gut tells me that if we let this go on for too much longer we will forever be lost to each other.
And me and everyone that knows us knows that isn't right...I dunno about you but your best friend tells me that you do care for me too. Blegh.
I don't know which way is up at this moment,
I don't know which way to go, or which direction is the right path...I can only go with what I feel and what I feel right NOW is that I need to see you whether you want me there or not, in my heart I know I have to go..so I will be there tomorrow and I will look into your averted eyes and I know I will see the truth, whether it is what I expected or not, I dunno.
But I will know...no matter how much it hurts.
And all of this I will hold so close to me because I couldn't let you know how I feel just yet, because the timing is all wrong, the situations warrants nothing like this to happen.
It would be too much.

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love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove.
William Shakespeare

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Posts: 424
From:
Registered: Oct 2004

posted June 22, 2005 01:52 AM         

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leo_on_fire I may not totally relate with you, but i know all you have written. especially "I have tried to tell myself I am being selfish in my love and maybe all is well, but I hear that dial tone one more time, and hear that phone ring 29 times with out you answering."
I know the pain u r going through. All i can say is don't hold too tight. If you have noticed beach sand, the more tightly you hold it, the faster it slips through your fingers

Just hang in there and believe in your love.
Most of the times whatever happens is for good.

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Posts: 1234
From: Stafford, VA USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted June 22, 2005 03:22 PM         

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Beautiful words, Sweetlibra!

and only to true! "hold on loosely, but dont let go"

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