posted November 26, 2020 11:38 AM            

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To Ashy Air

Did you know that time reverses
when you wait; returns recipes
to ingredients to fibres,
to sealed wombs in quiet earth?

In your absence, poppies
gripped the wasteland you left
inside me. And trembled off their petals
every month, uninterrupted.
The body goes on without the mind.

The excuse on your death certificate read
"Complications of diabetes".
How P.C.
I know your mind quit
before your body.

So I showed up.
We all crept as one shadow
between the flesh-
washed walls, along the veiny
carpet to the too-many chairs

(your flaccid face looming
behind every other face).

My face
demanded your cadaver come with the tea and coffee
as your sister wreathed me in praise that I came.
She is just like you.

A humanist regurgitated the eulogy
of a loving father I had begged
God for and never knew.

Heads dropped,
curtains met,
the oven yawned

and gulped.

No bones. No teeth. No stone.
For all the spaces you stormed
and time you sucked in,
no airless cell in the ground.

posted November 27, 2020 05:11 PM            

The person was cremated.. 'To Ashy Air'.
The person was your dad .. hovering ashy-air{cremated}
Can almost 'see' the plasma-being of-sorts, the specter holding ash.
Ashes are from mourning. Flakes.. empty.

Memory is still mourning ..
The memory of the person who's gone.
Remembering the moment his body went into the fire.

Missing him--
thinking of his life and your memories as though you have the ability to seeing-through the molecules, see past and into the original creation before it was formed.
{That was a great image, recipe.
Back to its unformed-elements.
grains, granules}

Gentle SUGGESTIONS?
Maybe help spark ideas.
You can take whatever you want if you decide.

recipes
. returns made-recipes

punctuation
. to ingredients, to fibers,
to sealed wombs in quiet earth

word 'wombs'
I understand it... and
it's contained within the stanza where you just listed inert ingredients.

"Wombs" in this case belong to a human.

YOU are the human womb,
AND
a coffin that is buried in the earth is a womb for deceased body of a person.

There's not enough time for the mind to bridge between inert to living in that small space of reading time (located within the same stanza).

Words there pertain to nature ingredients?
LOOSELY, for example
~ honeycomb cells {used in cooking, cells are filled with honey; more a womb for bees}
~ grains have 'husks' that are a kind of covering that protects what's inside it.

I know you'll figure out something great!

____________________________
STANZA
In your absence, poppies
gripped the wasteland you left
inside me. And trembled off their petals
every month, uninterrupted.
The body goes on without the mind.

poppies are a flower associated with death and mourning

poppies are associated with addiction to drugs,
powerful analgesics to numb pain,

The word 'gripped' .. ??
the wasteland you left inside me.

Something about the word 'gripped' doesn't match there?

-- Voix, are you talking about your womb,
and possible pregnancy lost?
Are you speaking of menstruation?
. .
Sometimes someone's death can 'feel' like an unfertilized empty cycle of months and months without them. All the opportunities you could have had for making more memories are wasted. A wasteland is formed.
. .
Almost like the petals represent tears ..
that had no words able to be spoken.. 'went on, without the mind'.

STANZA .. The "excuse" ..
Wow!!
Almost like saying they didn't take care of themselves as they ought to have had, and therefore died?
. .
yeah.. (I have a roommate with diabetes. Takes several injections a day for it.. but he still eats candybars, crackers, and glasses of sweet tea, as though he doesn't have the disease-- almost that the injections are designed to 'cover' continuing his health faux-pas.)

"I know your mind quit quit
before your body."
..
Reminds me of something a pastor said once--
he says that 'the mind plans' an exit before the exit actually occurs.
Thus, the "shock" of a spouse walking out in divorce 'without a clue'? Or leaving a group, seemingly without cause?
Or suicides. Many times the person has 'already left' in their mind. They still go about regular activities, and the people left-living afterwards are at a loss to understand why the person chose an 'exit' in that time of their life. They 'appeared' to everyone else as though they were successful, productive--? Thing is sometimes those persons leave very subtle clues that are easily overlooked by the folks they hangout among.

_______

STANZA .. So I showed up.
ahhh Voix!! that's SUCH a ~cool description!!
Unusual combination of words .. cool!!

From that first line.. all the way to
'behind every other face).'

TRY another way of punctuation.
The "'flesh-washed' walls" loses its power in that image when hyphenated, then split, with the 2nd word in the next line.

_____________
STANZA
My face
demanded >>>>>>

Line: as your sister wreathed me in praise
. .
Gives the image of being drawn in ..
and there is the Winner's Laurels picture frame around the 'fact' that you came to the funeral?
.. In a way?.. how patronizing???
Sycophant, toxic, extra TOO toxicly sweet?
Duh!!! He WAS/IS your dad???
what was UP with THAT remark she made???

I love your sarcasm!!!!
"a humanist regurgitated" ... gak!! *thumbsup*
. .
Then-- the rest of that stanza is Heart Breaking!!! omg. *tears* ..
the next lines are SOO POWERFUL!!! my God. my God.

You ended this piece .. with finesse!!!
Great Job.

________________
Waiting for your feedback

posted November 28, 2020 04:42 AM            

An important thing I learned from poetry workshopping is that if you have to explain the poem, then its not doing its job. So, going by you and Ayelet's assessment of the narrative, I think it is close, but yes, some changes would make it stronger.

posted November 28, 2020 09:31 AM            

To make 'womb' work, and the word 'gripped', you might need some added words, adjusted stanzas, so that the reading-mind and imagination keep context for them. Those words seem important to you in the story of what happened to you.

posted November 29, 2020 04:35 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by mirage29:
Heard a poet-astrologer once say that using 'more' words (instead of fewer) are needed at times.

To make 'womb' work, and the word 'gripped', you might need some added words, adjusted stanzas, so that the reading-mind and imagination keep context for them. Those words seem important to you in the story of what happened to you.

Nice work, Voix.
That's deep stuff too.

---

Yeah. See, it's made up of different 'scenes' and I think that is the biggest failing. Each scene obviously has a different atmosphere and therefore optimum pace and rhythm. I think if I get the individual structures better, I will then have to look at linking. Or just take liberties and use '-----------------------' which I have done before in another poem. It stopped me butchering what worked to accommodate scenes that felt disjointed.

I will revisit it with your ideas in mind Mirage. It's actually been lovely to talk about poetry again. I miss the workshopping.

posted November 29, 2020 04:39 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chanterelle:
I think this is pretty amazing as-is. To me, ‘sealed’ does an excellent job of bridging that metaphorical gap between womb and tomb... If I were looking for one thing to revise, it would be the rhythmic flow of the third stanza. To me, this doesn’t seem to be at all about missing or mourning; it’s about that last line: “no proof that you are gone.”

---

Yes. Is it a womb or is it a tomb? You have hit on one of the main themes Chanterelle, which is encouraging! And you are correct, this was not about mourning in the traditional sense. All that was mourned was what never was. It is about the last line. You can be frightened by what you can see, however at least you can see it. But when you can't see something, yet you know its there, that's worse.

posted November 30, 2020 10:38 AM            

When I woke up this morning, a thought HIT me!!!

You had prefaced your work with this statement:

"I have been writing this pain in the arse since 2017-ish.
Still not happy with it
(I'm editing it even right now because it annoys me so much -
this is why I shelved the damned thing)"

When you communicated that, I saw your statement as an 'invitation' for people to help you with it. That you wished for people to give helpful suggestions and feedback.

After reading some of what Chanterelle said, I suddenly (this morning) had the awful thought that MAYBE you DIDN'T want to turn this into a "workshop" on poetry?

That maybe, publishing it as-is... was the brave thing for you to do. That you wanted positive reinforcement for posting it-- not looking for a discussion. ... ~oy
(I feel terrible!! I misunderstood your intention.)

Oh gosh

So. My Virgo Moon is inside one degree of yours.
. . .
oh no
my bad, sorry

I'll cut back on analysis, unless the person specifically wanted it.

Part of what brought me to that thought, was a super-detailed research and analysis I gave MoonMystic on a recent dream she had, in Astral Realms... She made a point of mentioning that. (Inside, I stepped back, and realized that she was "right!!" Whoah... I didn't know.)

You know, you and I have transiting Pluto, Jupiter, and Saturn in Capricorn making a POWER-TRINE to our Virgo Moon placements.

posted November 30, 2020 10:59 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chanterelle:
This makes perfect sense of the one line that puzzled me: “my face demanded your cadaver come with the tea and coffee”. Wow — powerful image, get it or not. Thank you for sharing this; I’m getting inspired to think back on some of my own old poems I didn’t think were ever going to be ’done’.

---

posted November 30, 2020 11:03 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by mirage29:
It's always so enlightening to know the backstory behind poems, and writings.

When I woke up this morning, a thought HIT me!!!

You had prefaced your work with this statement:

"I have been writing this pain in the arse since 2017-ish.
Still not happy with it
(I'm editing it even right now because it annoys me so much -
this is why I shelved the damned thing)"

When you communicated that, I saw your statement as an 'invitation' for people to help you with it. That you wished for people to give helpful suggestions and feedback.

After reading some of what Chanterelle said, I suddenly (this morning) had the awful thought that MAYBE you DIDN'T want to turn this into a "workshop" on poetry?

That maybe, publishing it as-is... was the brave thing for you to do. That you wanted positive reinforcement for posting it-- not looking for a discussion. ... ~oy
(I feel terrible!! I misunderstood your intention.)

Oh gosh

So. My Virgo Moon is inside one degree of yours.
. . .
oh no
my bad, sorry

I'll cut back on analysis, unless the person specifically wanted it.

Part of what brought me to that thought, was a super-detailed research and analysis I gave MoonMystic on a recent dream she had, in Astral Realms... She made a point of mentioning that. (Inside, I stepped back, and realized that she was "right!!" Whoah... I didn't know.)

You know, you and I have transiting Pluto, Jupiter, and Saturn in Capricorn making a POWER-TRINE to our Virgo Moon placements.

I'm realizing that perhaps this huge transit gave me a pressing for 'deeper and more' tendencies towards being 'detailed'.
~Sorry!! LOL

---

Not at all Mirage, I love your thoughtful, detailed and very helpful posts. I wasn't intending one way or another by posting this one, but I am always open to hearing suggestions. Some poem seeds are just so deeply buried in the psyche that it can take a bit of wrestling to get a grip of them. I really appreciate your help and your suggestions are great.

I forgot you have a Virgo Moon also! And yes, that transit also happens to be on my Venus and squaring my stellium in 1H shudder. It's weird, you always strike me as a Leo Moon for some reason. I thought I knew the energy quite well as my mother, my best friend and an ex-partner all have Leo Moons. But I can't shake the Leo feeling when I read your posts

posted November 30, 2020 03:20 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Voix_de_la_Mer:
Not at all Mirage, I love your thoughtful, detailed and very helpful posts. I wasn't intending one way or another by posting this one, but I am always open to hearing suggestions. Some poem seeds are just so deeply buried in the psyche that it can take a bit of wrestling to get a grip of them. I really appreciate your help and your suggestions are great.

I forgot you have a Virgo Moon also! And yes, that transit also happens to be on my Venus and squaring my stellium in 1H shudder. It's weird, you always strike me as a Leo Moon for some reason. I thought I knew the energy quite well as my mother, my best friend and an ex-partner all have Leo Moons. But I can't shake the Leo feeling when I read your posts

---

Thanks for relieving my anxieties then.
I'm thrilled you found my info useful.

LEO --
Well! You're not too far off!
My "progressions" have turned me into a Leo.

In my natal chart,
the only LEO I have is Pluto.
Then, Leo on 9th cusp, house of my moon {intercepted}.
Have a Venus Taurus in 5th,
5th house is the natural Leo house.

By my PROGRESSED chart and planets
'You' are CORRECT!
P'Venus Leo 2.30
P'Mercury Leo 7.57'
P'Sun Leo 10.24
P'Jupiter Leo 10.55
P'Mars Leo 14.47
P'Vesta Leo 16.18
P'DESC Leo 20.16
P'P.o.Fortune Leo 23.33
P'Pluto Leo 25.56

Nataly I have a Sag Rising,
ruler Jupiter in Cancer H8.

P'Moon Aquarius now 7.07
trine natal Sun Gemini.

So much Leo is supposed to add to the Saggy exuberance? LOL

In your chart----
You mentioned Venus Cap receiving .. Pluto today.
A weird~?Congratulations?~~
Pluto square Pluto marks the start of midlife transits.

With all those Capricorn transiting-planets headed to your IC, you may ALREADY be sensing very significant things having to do with H4 your parents, and home, and early home environment. Even patterns that unconsciously are passed down through family heritage.

I'm going to stop looking...
Your transits make so much sense.

posted December 01, 2020 05:12 AM            

Yes. During the first lockdown I delved into my ancestry, went back as far as the 1800s, then the records got patchy. I also went to the graveyard several times searching for 'my dead people'. It was actually a lovely experience, I've always liked the shifting energies in graveyards, they feel very much 'alive' to me. You can also feel those who have been forgotten. The energy is different around the older graves, I suspect as they have not been visited in a long time and therefore no longer being infused with the energy and remembrance of the living. But I'm fairly sure this endeavour has to do with my transits. I've been feeling this one probably for about the last 2 years. The first transformation was in my relationships. This year I have been having a major issue with noise from my neighbour (Venus in 3H) and this will result in me having to move, which is fine, I feel ready to move. I'll do anything to get away from her.

posted December 01, 2020 02:56 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Randall:
Very Gooberz-esque.

---

From what I have heard about Gooberz, that is a high honour indeed! (although I can't help thinking that you are also tutting at me for having not read it yet Randall )

posted December 04, 2020 03:48 AM            

I've always felt a strong link to the past, maybe my sun in the 4H and Merc conjunct IC. But it is strange many people tracking their history at once.

By confederacy, do you mean links to the American civil war? Wow, that will be a trek through history indeed! I was using Ancestry. com and found it very good for official records, but they got patchy around the 1800s. By this point, my journey had taken me to the Highlands where they weren't as good at keeping records. Wishing you many clear records to fill in your story

posted December 18, 2020 10:33 AM            

I love to be able to 'lift' people up ..
especially those who are kind of overlooked and forgotten. Every person has a gift in them, and not all of them are aware of what they have.
I notice people like that.
I love to draw them out, and see/watch them bloom.

As far as increased Creativity?
(I fight my home environment each and every day. Have, for years now. I think I'm wearing out from it. )
.. Noticed that your H3 neighbor made you move?
.. heh.. Gosh. Sorry that happened. I hope your NEW place gives you Peace, Beauty, and increases your productivity.)

QUOTE---
'Graham' noted on another thread that our increasing need for individuality is influenced by the approaching age of Aquarius.
Although I hope that individuality is really only about diversity which in the end leads us to realise that our basic needs (despite our developmental and personality quirks) are the same, and therefore unites us rather than separates us.
You can see both strong individualistic and strong unity energies in the world just now. It is quite amazing.
*/quote*