posted July 07, 2003 03:17 AM         

Sometimes, people just have a really difficult time seeing where the other is coming from because they are so different. If that's the case, you just have to evaluate for yourself whether it's worth the trouble of trying to understand the other person and make the necessary compromises.

But most times, it's not that simple. Sometimes, it's about being whole enough to sustain a healthy relationship without bringing in the emotional dependency aspect that's so destructive. And it's a lesson we've all had to learn at some point, ha?

There is no way you can help a person who is not ready to receive that help. It is so normal to feel like you are letting him down by walking away instead of hanging around some more in the hope that one morning he'll wake up and see the light, but there really isn't any good sticking around with someone who is not ready to accept that something in his life needs to change in order for him to be happy. And when they are that miserable themselves, there is no way they are going to be able to understand how their behaviour is hurting/affecting you. I mean, if it's okay for them to subject themselves to it, why should it be so terrible to subject you to it too??
It's best that you walk out and refuse to let your feelings be hurt anymore because these people are better off alone, trying to build up a relationship with themselves before they can have fulfilling relationships outside themselves. Till they see there's no need for the walls and the defense mechanisms, you can try forever, they will not let you in.

Don't be sad, I think you're so brave for being able to realise for yourself that it's not worth the pain, instead of waiting for Saturn to come around and kick your sorry ass out of a dead-end relationship.

posted July 08, 2003 12:29 PM         

That's not to say I will NEVER meet a Scorpio who can express himself, so hey, who knows?

posted July 10, 2003 01:59 AM         

Attraction to another sign (which as you say, is a grouping of character traits) can be seen as an attraction to said traits, or energies. Leo's warmhearted entertaining drama, a Virgo's precise mind and concern, and in Aries' case, their passion and ideas, for example. Of course we may also be attracted by their soul, but it's true how we choose similar types over and over. I've dated a few Aries men, probably because I needed to learn how to be an Aries! (I have really strong Cancer and Taurus planets)

We all carry baggage -- my partner, for example (a Gem, in all senses of the word ), had just a rotten start in life, but the way he's overcome it all, learned forgiveness, and found peace, is an inspiration. He went to the bottom first, and had to spend a lot of time on his own, figuring it out for himself. He decided what boundaries were, and where he wanted them. Before that he was a mess, really bad news, and I would never have considered dating him at that stage (well I was no picnic either at that time, mostly on a maturity and integrity level, but I didn't have his major problems. Luckily we met later in life).

So, I think it's about how a person deals with their baggage, karmic set-up, what have you. On the one hand -- people are often attracted to others because those others are living out their "shadow" side for them -- Jungian archetypes and psychology -- it makes total sense to me that a Libra would be attracted to an Aries (how classic Venus/Mars!). Whoever "Aries" is, s/he gets to live out all that unfair, selfish, aggro stuff that makes any right-minded Libran shudder -- while Aries gets to enjoy seeing Libra live out their own inner fair intellectual streak, so contrary to the Ram's active intuitive nature. In any Aries/Libra relationship, Libra represents da brakes, bay-bee! The civilizing force vs. the unruly barbarians! Tickets now available!

For years, my fantasy was to play in a band (I used to play some electric bass), wear a black leather jacket, and drive a motorcycle. Instead I fell madly in love with a guy who did all of the above, and he fell for me because I had all the fire and ambition he needed to access inside himself to make his dreams come true (although he was not an Aries). We totally fell for each other's projections. I remember thinking "hmmm..." at the time. Now I try to be aware of my projections, and "own" them; it's made it easier to attract more balanced relationships. I realized I could learn my karmic lessons better by owning up to my own stuff, rather than meeting someone who reflected unacknowledged parts of me, and getting my karmic lesson all confused with couple issues. At least in my intimate relationships, anyway.

That said, boundaries to prevent unacceptable hurtful behaviour are 100% necessary. Lying is bad, although one may have compassion for the liar. Explosive temper? Well, some people have that, and it's nasty, but human. If it's someone's nature, they could choose to modify it somewhat by learning fair fighting techniques, or time out periods, etc., but it's also a fact of that person's character. Like the way some people sting with sarcasm when hurt.

Sweet silverbells, it's not your job to "make them SEE" or help them cure what you perceive are their emotional afflictions. It's up to you to decide what you deem good, acceptable behaviour, and lay down your boundaries. You deserve to be treated with love, liking, respect, like the loving Queen you are, not mucked around by lies, games, and emotional scenes that upset you deeply. There are lots of honest, good, passionate Aries guys out there who do not have rotten tempers they take out on other people. You may have sympathy for a damaged soul, and wish to help or heal, but you know what? Damaged souls who are in a mess, have nothing to give back -- and now is that fair to you, or really, to the both of you as a relationship? All you can do is tell them how you expect to be treated. Either they're up to it or not. If they're not, maybe your "help" will come as a friend, if you can handle that vibe. If they can change on their own, then wonderful! I don't see anything wrong with finding a way to tell somebody that you care for them, but their behaviour is destructive to you and the relationship (t-r-u-s-t), and that you can't see them unless they get themselves together.

Because somebody else's damage spills over -- to their partner, to whom it causes grief, because it's hard to watch the damaged person's self-loathing, self-destruction, what have you. It can also spill over into your life -- I later found out that after we broke up my grunge-musician boyfriend did something criminal. He went to Europe on tour -- I had been supposed to go with him -- and to keep the money flowing, got involved in heroin trafficking. Thank goddess I was not there. His "short-comings", plus his bad habits and choices, led to that situation.

I agree with SunShyne. You did the right thing. It's just that you may not have expressed your sense of the imbalance in the way you'd have liked. We all have those regrets, but few of us are Oprah or Dr. Phil, with a team of researchers and editors.

Maybe next time just date someone with an Aries Ascendant, or with lots of planets in the 1st House... which will give them lots of Aries-like energy! Nothing says you have to sit in the middle of the fire to enjoy the vibe... a chair beside the fireplace will do as well.

Lunargirl

posted July 11, 2003 01:10 PM         

Hey, I freely offer that metaphor. Heck you can singe your eyebrows if you want, or trade it all for an electric fireplace, be your own guest.

At least stick a hand in, once in awhile, or a finger. What else are nerve endings for, right?

Communication is a learned thing. It takes time, and goodwill. Just keep working from your centre, be grounded, and speak your heart. Everything "flows" from that.