posted August 18, 2004 10:10 AM         

She's been a horrible friend to me in every way, so I stopped talking to her last month. Well, the other day, it hit me that I knew our mutual friend's email password. I've known it for years, I just forgot about it... So when I realized I could access our mutual friend's email the temptation was too great for me to resist. I went and had a look at what was written about me by the orginal "friend" I stopped talking to.

I know I should not have done this and I hate snooping, I can't tell you how much I hate it. I have never done it before, but when I realized I knew the password, temptation was just too great.

Anyway... an email my mutual friend recieved from the friend I stopped talking to was full of vitriol and she said so many hateful things... There weren't any specifics regarding what I've actually done to deserve the vitriol (because I've never done a thing to her)... It was more like she took every private thing I've told her and every crisis I've ever had (we've been friends since we were 8, so she knows a lot) and twisted it into this horrible thing about what a pathetic, horrible "wretched" person I am, how I am not happy for anyone and this is my karma, I'm a miserable person... and anyway, I am not upset about that. I am just glad she is out of my life forever.

The thing that is troubling me is her judging me deserving of bad karma. I keep going over that line again and again in my head, I can't believe she could say that about me when I look at her life and the whole thing is a lie. She treats people like **** , and seems to get so many blessings in her life. She married for money, does not work and uses people all the time. She is so vain and self-important it's like a disease. Her sister lies, cheats and steals and used her boyfriend for a greencard and the poor fool is in love with her and still helping her because he thinks they have a chance of getting back together...

This email about me... I just couldn't say those things about another human being, let alone someone I was ever friends with. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night with a clear conscience... and yet she did and feels justified and nothing happens to her. She's been a horrible person for years now, but things just get better and better for her. It doesn't make sense.

I guess my question to you all is not about myself, or the email or even this "friend"... My question is... how can someone be so awful, and yet consistently recieve so many blessings. It seems like the more awful she gets, the better her life gets.

I'm not a vengeful or vindictive person, but after her twisting everything bad thats happened in my life into this little tale of me being this twisted, vile, weak, pathetic, "wretched" soul, and saying repeatedly that I deserve everything I get... Well, it begs the question... when is she going to get hers?

It doesn't make sense to me.

I'm hoping someone who is a bigger person than I am can help me see the light, and at least help me overcome my bitterness about it.

I pride myself in my non-vengeful, high-minded, not-wishing-bad-things-on-people... and I've forgiven this witch twice before for HUGE transgressions... this is the very last time. I can't believe after all she has done to me in my life, she still turns it into me being the vile human being.

I cannot believe someone would say that about me and wish such horrible things upon me. That I'm a wretched person who brings everything onto herself and I deserve every bad thing that happens to me because I am a miserable person who is never happy for anyone. I'm still reeling.

posted August 18, 2004 10:33 AM         

Love,

posted August 18, 2004 08:15 PM         

Clearly this relationship shouldn't be. It's causing you too much grief. I say, let it go. Forget about her. Don't give it anymore energy.

female relationships can be so catty

posted August 18, 2004 11:15 PM         

By forgiving yourself and remembering the positive lessons of this event, you will be doing one of the best things possible for yourself.

You've taken the higher road (except maybe your brief transgression into snooping!), learned a few things and now need to move on in a positive direction.

What goes aroung does come around. It always does. If you're like me, a little part of you would really like to see it when it comes around for someone like that supposed friend, but chances are you won't. And that's OK.

Keep on putting positive things out in the world and you will be better for it.

If you need to say something out loud for yourself, you may want to try this: "I fully and completely release you in love and light; you are happy and I am happy."

Many times when I would use this phrase, I would say it insincerely the first few times (sometimes through clenched teeth!), but as I continued, it would come easier and easier. Ask for God's pure love to propel you to the state of peace in releasing this person -- and for the events surrounding this upset.

Best of luck to you.

posted August 19, 2004 11:03 AM         

OK... Let me try again. I was just saying that her email was so hurtful because I have just saved my marriage from divorce after a 3 month separation (hands down the hardest time in my life) and there was a lot of vitriol in her email about that, twisting things she knew into this pathetic little tale... and I'm still raw about a lot of the things I went through too. Not only that, but she tore my family in Australia to shreds, my family who has never been anything but nice to her, welcoming and sweet. She's been coming over since she was 8. So it was very hard not to get really angry about that. And after all this I'm sitting in my chair, reeling. And in fact, she was horrible to me <i>during</i> my separation, which is why I stopped talking to her. With friends like that, who needs enemies? We're both 25 now... I stopped talking to her for 2 years after high school and then again when we were 22 for about 6 months. The only reason I started talking to her again was because I heard about her father's death. I felt badly for her and called to offer my condolences (big mistake!).

quote:

---

Many times when I would use this phrase, I would say it insincerely the first few times (sometimes through clenched teeth!), but as I continued, it would come easier and easier.

---

That really made me laugh Awaiku11, because that is totally me Yesterday, I said it (and wrote it in my email to her letting her know I saw what she wrote) and it was through clenched teeth and fists... but today I really mean it. I don't care anymore. Good luck to her *shrug*

You know what scares me though? Her aunt is a mystic of sorts and she had told her before that my "friend", her sister, myself and my mutual friend (the one who's email I snooped in) have been together before in many lifetimes... and Good God! I do not want to see her again! *skin crawling* I am done! Well, at least I want to be done with her. Can you forgive someone and yet choose not to have them in your life anymore? Is that truly forgiveness? I have never been one to seek revenge, I can (and have) let this go, like I did with her in times past. The first time I forgave because I put it down to immature high school bullcrap, the second time I only talked to her because of her father, but then when she was so nice I decided that she was such a sh@t to me because of all the drugs we were experimenting with at the time... I've never sought revenge. I always tried to see the goodness in her and make excuses for her behaviour. Is forgiveness the only key to releasing (realising? i kept typing that word for some reason, wonder what that means if anything) someone from your life and karmic circle? I want to be free of her for eternity. Who wants to go through this crap all over again. Not me. I say good luck to her, see you never, have many nice lives as far away from me as possible!

Spiritually, I do know that I do in fact deserve everything that happens to me... It just galls me to hear judgement being passed upon me by this hollow, empty shell of a person, someone so shallow and superficial, how dare she pass judgement on me and behave as though she is a superior person or knows or practices any remotely spiritual principle in her daily life? It just galls me. I couldn't believe it.

posted August 19, 2004 01:31 PM         

I've had old frineds totally screw me over. I was dumbfounded and hurt...and wanted to know why.

I really really really think you're giving this WAY too much energy. Save your energy up to argue with me in GU

On another note, I also have complete empathy for you in your marriage. I was separated from my husband for a short period of time, and we got back together. That was one of the hardest times in my life too. I was in tears most of the time. Things are going wonderfully now.

Decent people don't talk that way to others about people's personal relationships.

posted August 19, 2004 06:37 PM         

There are so many great people here, and a lot of good advice. I just have a couple of things to point out about the larger questions hinted at in your post.

I was going to talk about the book of Job… I was going to tell you “There’s no sense in crying over split blood.” But, that is not an intellectual matter, and, although (or perhaps because) it is your emotions that demand justice, I will appeal instead to your intellect.

Imagine a person who has committed all manner of atrocities in their life - raping and bludgeoning children, for instance. Now, imagine that this person has never suffered a day in their life, and, then, on their deathbed, they suddenly come to realize their crimes. But, not only does this realization not fill them with revulsion and self-loathing, but, they are graced with an overwhelming feeling of bliss and love for themself and all beings. In the blink of an eye, repentance, confession, penitence, and salvation are instantaneous.

Is this unjust?

This is the story of the prodigal son. The older son feels gypped because he has spent a lifetime being good, while the younger has wasted a lifetime on self-indulgences. But, was the older son good only to be rewarded, or to escape punishment? Is that true goodness? And what of the younger? He has realized his wrong – should he still suffer for the man that he once was? Should Paul die for the crimes of Saul?

Okay, but, you’re saying, what if this person never comes to their senses. Where is justice?

I could quote scripture here, but its probably better if I use my own words. First, I don’t see a difference between justice and mercy. Suffering will never be just – no matter who is made to suffer. Having said that, there is still much good that can come from a seeming evil. Often, the best teachers are those who show us what we ought not to do. Rather than echo this person’s vindictive sentiments, or respond in kind, you could see this as an opportunity to recognize the injustice such feelings represent. Justice isn’t about who receives pleasure and who receives pain; pleasure and pain are not identical to reward and punishment; for one thing, the latter two are illusions.

(That is not how karma works. All karma is, is the strain or ease you will experience in any given situation, due to your present stage of evolution.)

Justice is about everyone receiving love, unconditionally. Rather than identifying with yourself alone, and becoming self-righteous, its possible for you to find empathy for those who suffer as you do. What must be realized is not the injustice of your particular suffering, but, the injustice of all suffering everywhere.

Yes, you could forgive this girl for your own sake, but you could also forgive her because it is an act of love in response to an act of hatred. Looking for reasons is, after all, a doomed endeavor. Love is its own reason, no?

Take Care,
H.S.C.

posted August 19, 2004 10:24 PM         

I hope you are feeling better by the time I post, I don't get around much here anymore. I didn't read all the replies and I didn't read your second reply.
Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know a couple things.

1. Everything people say and do is a reflection of their S-Elf.

2. People are mirrors. We are mirror reflections of one another and what each person sends out, will eventually reflect back to them.

3. The Universe takes care of things in it's own time. This may be in this life, or the next. Everyone must pay their debts, at some point in time.

posted August 21, 2004 11:32 AM         

Sesame, I do understand what you're saying and I do try to tell myself that I have hurt her in a past life in the same way. I'm trying to accept that and move on. Actually, from all three of my friends and my whole life... I just have this sense that in my past life (or lives) I have probably been very privileged and very selfish, and my whole life I've felt a certain intangible resentment from others that couldn't be based on any present circumstances. People always tell me I have a very strong presence and sense of dignity and refinement, and everybody I tell you, everybody thinks they know my face or have seen me before somewhere... sometimes people will even argue with me about it when I tell them they couldn't have. I really have this sense that in this life I need to learn to be humble, that I haven't been very humble in my past lives and further, I've been very selfish and granted all sorts of privilige. I have a keen sense especially, that in my circle of friends that maybe I have had a better lot that they have in our past lives and they still resent me for it and like to punish me in various ways because of that. With the three of them I feel it's more personal than with the rest of the world in general, and further... I feel that R (mutual friend who's email I snooped in) and L (sister of venomous friend) are more allies, where-as my relationship with V (for venomous friend) it's always been much more twisted friendship based in competition and mutual jelousies... Which is why she is relishing in my misfortunes even now.

I have never done a single thing to her (in this life), yet she finds ways to keep hurting me. So falling in line with my beliefs, I must assume I have hurt her in past incarnations then.

You know, I've never, ever verbalised or written out those theories I have about my past lives and I don't even know that it's true, I might just be crazy or delusional or something. But it's a feeling I've had for many years now as I go through my journey in this world. It's just a feeling. I might be totally off.

My Aunt suggested that she is simply someone that doesn't deal well with rejection and that if she didn't care, she wouldn't be having such a strong reaction. Regardless of who is right and wrong, my Aunt says she is obviously very hurt. Apparently R says she can't stop spewing venom about me even in IM conversations to this day (the orginial email I found is dated July 25th) and if R tries to defend me V goes ballistic at her. R says that she literally feels sick to her stomach during these IM conversations because (in her words) the things V is saying about me are so awful, R thinks it's evil. But she is in a tough position not only because she is our mutual friend, but V had her wedding in the US earlier this year and paid for R's ticket from Australia to the US... so R feels understandably financially indebted to her.

quote:

---

This is the story of the prodigal son. The older son feels gypped because he has spent a lifetime being good, while the younger has wasted a lifetime on self-indulgences. But, was the older son good only to be rewarded, or to escape punishment? Is that true goodness? And what of the younger? He has realized his wrong – should he still suffer for the man that he once was? Should Paul die for the crimes of Saul?

---

Wow, lots of things to think about in that paragraph Heart-Shaped-Cross. It made me wonder why I try to do the good that I do... and yes... a lot of it may be selfish motivation to be rewarded... but I know I do it because it's in line with my intrinsic nature... I have tried to dish back the dirt I get in the past and I've found it draining and unsatisfying. It felt like I was going against everything that I am. I don't know, I don't have the answers, but I have been praying to God to help me forgive her for forgiveness sake. I think just this act of asking for help is helping me do it and really mean it.

But yes... I do feel much better, especially since until yesterday, I wasn't even sure if R was still talking to me since I snooped in her email (actually she laughed that I could possibly think she would not talk to me because of that and admitted it was funny that I snooped in her email because she was attempting to figure out her ex-husband's email password for the better part of the same night! lol)... and in general, everyday I feel better and I'm letting the poison go.

posted August 24, 2004 07:12 AM         

And AquaGirl for that matter, welcome

I think I had too much caffeine today

posted August 24, 2004 06:40 PM         

Great observation! Yes, learning can be hard, but I gues its worth it...

It seems this thread is attracting all the souls that have gone around to come around

Dean.

posted August 25, 2004 05:43 PM         

I know you can do it. She hates herself enough without extra help from anybody else!

Chin up.