posted December 26, 2004 10:21 AM         

I always had powerful dreams and I chased them like mad... Iīve been always so goal-orientated... But now nothing matters anymore... I donīt really want anything, all trace of illusion is gone...

My life is just boring... I always wanted to do something especial with it... And I feel somehow betrayed... This life never felt mine anyway... But now itīs worse because I donīt have any energy left to change it. I have invested too much in people that wasnīt worth the effort. I feel drained like never before.

I knew I was getting to this point... I have known that my energy was running out for years. But I trusted my future, I wanted to believe that something would happen, something would change and save me from this... But it didnīt.

Iīm not suffering anymore, not the way I have done before... I donīt cry anymore... I feel numb, I just breathe. Days go by and I donīt feel better... For the first time in my time Iīm not going anywhere... Iīm just existing...

I feel that I have failed. Whatever I should have done, I havenīt. All this time has been a waste. I came here to find someone... And I may have lost him without even having a chance to try. I came here to learn a lesson but the only thing Iīve done is losing the men I loved and having to let them go because there wasnīt anything else to do. I feel, more than nothing, powerless...

posted December 26, 2004 01:03 PM         

You are slowly realising that although its always wonderful to have people in your life, they do not define who you are. You can enrich yourself with their love and all they have to give, but essentially you are your own best friend.

You are strong, you are powerful, you are profound. You are the biggest source of happiness and meaning for yourself. Its just time for you to reach deep inside yourself and rediscover all you have lost touch with, places and interests you havent had time for, paths you havent explored for a while now.

posted December 26, 2004 02:27 PM         

We all experience what you described at some point of time. I didn't have anyone to tell me what to do, when I experienced it. I didn't even had a guru or was looking for one, then. I will share with you my thoughts so that when you read it you will have peace. Forgive me if I would hurt your feelings with what I have to say.

We are all bound by laws of Cause and Effect. Theres no time for us to grieve for dead loved ones or Lost lovers. We must continue to work, till our last breath. Do not hope for the fruits. Sometimes we are lucky enough to get rewards of our work soon. Example reward for work done in morning by evening. Other times we are not that lucky.

I personally believe, that a great fire that would last a few seconds will arrive. Everyone would feel it. To some it would be cool as ice. To others it would bring pain and destruction.

You don't want to be caught in disillusion, stress, laziness, indulgence when that moment arrives.

Lets encourage other, be there for each other and share the burden.

posted December 26, 2004 03:04 PM         

I can't say this for sure, but I think you've reached a major spiritual point right now. You said you used to chase after dreams like crazy and you were very dependant on loved ones (most of us are ) but that now you see the illusion of it all. I believe you were given dreams and missions for this earth, but you now recognize that the dreams you clung to before for a sense of purpose and identity aren't as real as you thought. This world and its physical rewards are an illusion and I think by having them stripped from you, your starting to get that they were never your identity to begin with. Now is a time for soul searching my friend, finding whats to Love on the inside and to learn to become happy from within, then you can spread that to others. Maybe just maybe if you gave so much meaning to your missions and other people, you have been looking over someone very important this whole time..Yourself

I know its impossible for me to make you feel whole again without knowing everything, but I do believe that now is a great time to shed the baggage and discover all that Love inside you thats there for you whenever you need it. Just listen. Like Maya said, be your own best friend right now, don't give up on yourself sweets..I think you'll be back on your feet before you know it Remember we're all here for you if theres anything else you need to talk about okay.

Lots of Love and Light

posted December 26, 2004 04:14 PM         

Iīve run out...

Maybe youīre right, Monica, and I have reached a major spiritual point now. Yes, I feel so alone, all those illusions that were my life are gone... After a year of sadness, after many soul tests of dissapointments, lost love, forgiveness and hope, now everything is gone. It feels like being dead... nothing hurts you, nothing makes you happy...

Other people are like voices in the background, they canīt reach me anymore.

I knew I would reach this point. I always knew I would be stripped from hope and dreams. This is my test... I just hoped I was wrong...

Iīve been hurt before and dissapointed. Iīve lost. Iīve grown. Ups and downs, like everyone else... But this time is different. Iīve reached the bottom. Everything is quiet and completely dark around me. But Iīm not frightened... My life (or life as I used to know it) is over... This is it, I got where I was meant to get...

And now I donīt know where to go or what to do... It doesnīt matter... And I donīt have the energy anyway.

Yes, Maya, I know the biggest source of love is within yourself. Thanks for your advice J Thatīs the way I overcame pain in the past... But as I said, this time is different. Itīs time for silence and retrospection.

Donīt ask me why, but I know someone will come... The same as I knew I would reach this point. I canīt get up this time as I did before. Iīm dead inside. Thereīs nothing else I can do...

IAmThat... What do you mean when you talk about that instant fire?
I just wanted to clarify this is not laziness or self-indulgence... Iīve never been that way. Iīm sorry if I gave you that impression. Iīve been a fighter all my life... But this time itīs different. Nobody can share my burden. That doesnīt help.

posted December 26, 2004 04:34 PM         

Dreams, I think, are a realisation of self. They lead the way. A dream can be a friend, an angel, a hope, a feeling, a deeper love, and light in the darkness. No ambition is worth it's salt, without first the dream.
No one fails. We falter, stumble and repeat ourselves, but the great cosmos being so full of the life force granted it, wants us all to find our way, and gives us chance after chance. It doesn't matter when we stop the illusions and make the dreams real, I guess it only matters that we do.

posted December 26, 2004 06:43 PM         

Those were my viewpoint and my realization after knowing myself better. I may be wrong. But so what I tried

Well to continue my blabber

Each one is a spark of the divine. Each one can attain self-realization, and be eventually liberated from this miserable world. Which even Mary, Jesus's mom hated it when she entered it.

Everyone has a key to that door of the kingdom. Each action of ours deciphers the cryptic key with which we can unlock the door. For the purest in heart, the unlocking is faster. Look not to your left or right or above or below. This kingdom is in the seat of your heart. Waiting to be unlocked. I haven't opened it myself within. I need more purity and self-control. But when its opened, you would find God and you will marvel. The past, present and future would be ......
Well find out for yourself

When a wrong is done. Only the person who does it could correct it. Do not complain or condemn. You would take steps backward rather than forward if you do.

No one can hurt you if you don't let them.
You may lose millions of dollars in the courts of Earth. Or feel cheated by fellow beings. These don't count up there. Keep the faith. Remember they have hurt the divinity within you and the courts of justice above knows of it.

Well am going to a movie now... would love to hear about your dreams if its ok in LL.

Cheer up and Peace...

posted December 27, 2004 05:04 PM         

quote:

---

Donīt ask me why, but I know someone will come

---

Then you're not really so very empty inside, are you?

Whether someone comes or not, the power and choice are still yours. There are many things that you can do to help yourself...you have only to nurture your desire. And yes, you do have desire. I see it in your posts. You wouldn't even post, if you had no desire. Posting is cathartic; the sharing of your thoughts and sadness helps to relieve the pain.

With no disrespect to the beliefs of anyone who believes differently...I am not a big fan of the "this world is an illusion" theory. Illusion is a trick, with a known reality. There may be other realities past this here-and-now, but here-and-now still seems pretty damn real to me. Love is real, pain is real, and living the spectrum between those two polarities...is life. Here and Now.

steelrose...you still have the coals burning inside of you. How you stoke them is up to you, but you have begun to do so. Allow yourself a little self-indulgence, then begin the process of renewal. If this seems insurmountable, there are organic ways to begin healing in your body and your soul.

posted December 27, 2004 08:08 PM         

IAmThat, you are so right... Only the person who did the wrong can correct it, thereīs nothing else I can do after forgiving... But it does hurt even when you do your best not to let them hurt you... I hope someone does see what happens down here, even if itīs only my Higher Self, or the one that controls my karma...

That story about the fire is beautiful...All in the Universe is ruled by equilibrium... Equilibrium is symbolised by the scales, justice... Fire is a metaphore for justice... Burning like truth... When you say a great fire will come, you mean our souls will be purified, stripped from all that is worthless, put to the test of fire to be reborn, donīt you? Is that what you mean, that this process is preparing me to be reborn or awaken, as Monad said?

Monad, I hope I will find him... I hope I will... Some kind of certainty tells me that I will, like a tiny whispering voice at the back of my head, but I canīt believe it... Iīm too tired and sometimes even faith is hard work...

Hi Yin! Glad to meet you again... No, Iīm not a Sag... My chart ruler is Jupiter, so my Ascendant is Sagittarius. I say that Jupiter is very strong in my chart because apart from being my chart ruler, my Moon and Neptune are in Sagittarius in conjunction with my Ascendant. Jupiter is also in mutual reception with the Moon (because both are in each other signs – Moon in Sagittarius, Jupiter in Cancer). I also have Venus, Mercury and Saturn in the 9th house (the house of Saggitarius). I suppose this makes me a bit of a Sag! Now that you ask, Iīm 27.

Trillian, maybe you are right... But more than desire, what I have is angish because I know Iīm drowning... Yes, you could say I have desire to live, but I canīt move, just shout... I suppose thatīs what Iīm doing with these posts, shouting...

posted December 28, 2004 06:27 AM         

As my dear friend Proxieme once said:
Every day has blessings...if you look for them.

posted December 28, 2004 09:53 AM         

Thinking about what you all said, a sparkle of understanding came to my mind...

If this is a rebirth, a transformation of my soul, a getting-rid-of-all-garbage from my previous life, wonīt it be anything to do with Pluto?

It feels like a Pluto kind of experience... The darkness, being numb and somehow dead, the loses... The silence, the retrieval... Doesnīt it?

I wonder what Pluto is doing in my chart...

BINGO!!!

Pluto is now in 22š Sagittarius... That is in the 1st house in conjuntion with my Ascendant (the way I appear to the outside world), my natal Neptune (dreams)and my natal Moon (emotions).

To make things worse itīs square my natal Sun (what I need to be happy, my life force).

My chart ruler (Jupiter) is the ruler of the house Pluto is in and is currently in conjunction with Pluto.

What a combo!!! Could it have anything to do with it?

posted December 28, 2004 12:01 PM         

But astrological energy is potential.

Sometimes, the moments of our greatest pain lead us to our greatest epiphanies. Astrological energy indicates, it does not compel. There are things in your life that you cannot control; what you can control is your reaction to them.

What I'm saying is that yes, the process of regeneration of your life/your self under the transits of Pluto can bring difficult situations. But we have the power to do with them what we will.

For example, we mourn death, the passing of a loved one, with our hearts. But our minds know that nothing ever dies; energy re-manifests itself into something else. The dichotomy is sometimes difficult.

We mourn death, while still knowing and believing that another world awaits for those who have passed, a world where there may be no pain and much serenity.

These are just examples of the dichotomy of perceived negative energy. What we do with the energies presented to us, still remains up to us.

Life must and will balance itself.

Every day has blessings...if you look for them.

posted January 13, 2005 12:05 PM         

Iīm still here, still very lost, still waiting, trying to grow spiritually...

Thatīs what I think I need to do now... This process canīt be hassled around, itīll take its time...

But life goes on... Time doesnīt wait for you... I canīt carry on living like this, as if I was dead even when it is exactly what I need...

Itīs good to have you all out there... To talk to you, to hold on to this life Iīm not so much interested in anymore... To hope there is light at the end of the tunnel, to stay waiting in the cold...

posted January 13, 2005 03:57 PM         

You are simply giving all of you away. It's no wonder you feel drained. Think of the past as a learning curve to understand more fully why you are in this place now. It's a wonderful tool to propel you forward. You have not lost your illusions at all, you have simply gained negative futile lessons that need to be transmuted. You are given the tools to move forward. Take small steps and they'll lead to giant leaps. You are either thinking too big or too small. Think about one step at a time. Take heart. Stop chasing like mad and think of yourself as a work in progress. To have goals is great. Try a goal at a time though. Think of how one builds a house. It's brick by brick and before you know it Rome was built.

posted January 13, 2005 06:24 PM         

Sometimes I feel like what steelrose is desccribing, but things have been pretty good for me lately. I'm a sag... does this mean I've been involved in a tranformational (is that a word?!) phase since '95? If so, that would explain a lot.

Hang in there, steelrose. I just turned 28 and I wonder if any of it has to do with this age? I have found the 20's to be almost a second adolescence in regard to emotion and identity. Kind of like you do so much to express yourself in the teens and early 20's, then as the decade progresses you find that in some ways you're something different from what you thought you were altogether. I've found this to be true with many of my peers. Has anyone else experienced this?

posted January 14, 2005 10:22 AM         

I know I need to invest more in myself and less in others... But I feel so bad trying to do that... I feel so selfish... Itīs like doing to others what they did to me... If all invested more in others, if all cared more about how others feel, the world would be a better place... The problem is when you give more than you receive because then you end up drained.

Maybe they didnīt want or ask what I gave them because they never intended to give it back but took it because it was there... I have observed that they all have a chosen person, normally their partner, who get it all... But I havenīt found Mr Right yet... I keep trying, I keep giving, to people who doesnīt deserve all they get...

Sometimes I have felt so full of things I need to give because Iīm draining in them... And I donīt have the right person to give it to... So I have ended up just giving them to almost anyone, to the closest soul... or just keeping them... Now I just feel empty... And I feel awful because I canīt give anything... There is nothing left.

I donīt know if Iīm thinking too big as a Sag or too small as a Virgo... Both extremes pull in different directions... And Iīm stuck in the middle. Absolutely confused...

Thanks, Future_uncertain, itīs nice to find people who is living the same transformation phase... How are you coping with the Pluto transit? In your case it will be your natal Sun conjuncting Pluto... Transformation in your life force, the way you are, your priorities... I have it square, which adds tension and pain to the transformation process... Has it been painful and draining for you?

Yes... Actually, my twenties are being harder than my teens regarding emotion and identity... You couldnīt have put it in a better way...

posted January 16, 2005 07:06 PM         

But I can feel when I relax, when I donīt demand too much from myself, when I accept this is just an spiritual death I will outlive, suffering softens up... I just need to wait to be reborn...

In the past I used to talk to the Moon as you suggested, when I was younger, before I lost my faith in the Universe... Maybe itīs time to recover that faith, to start believing again that everything will be fine...

Iīm trying to look at this process from a different perspective... And you all are helping me a lot... Maybe this is a blessing... I didnīt like my life, as I said it never felt mine... Maybe the Universe is giving me a chance to change it... Maybe Pluto is just helping me out after all, to become who I always wanted to be...