|
Author
|
Topic: advice needed
|
Kat
Knowflake Posts: 294
From: Cleveland, Ohio
Registered: Jan 2003
|
posted January 31, 2005 07:35 PM
 
OK knowflakes I'm in this situation where I can't do anything about it until next Sunday and I'm getting upset about how I should handle it or if I shouldn't even get concerned about it.
I think everyone has been in a situation where they've been irritated and complained to someone especially about people in authority. You may or may not have meant everything you've said, but what you said may have had a different intention than what came out of your mouth.
Lately stuff has been bothering me, my life direction, my overwork at work, and even stuff that goes on in my church.
One day at church about a month ago, I was talking to someone who I feel is a confidential and wise person. He is a professional negotiator/mediator attorney. I realize that no church is perfect but stuff came out of my mouth regarding our minister being ill, attendance at church being low when she's gone, and stuff that he brought up regarding finances, and other disorganization problems. A severe problem occured to my minister when she was vacationing in Hawaii and the doctor wouldn't sign permission for her to fly home so she was stuck there. She also spent time at home recooperating. Actually, I have the same heart condition (SVT) and I take a pill a day, avoid caffeine, make sure I get enough sleep, etc. I've had two episodes when I needed to go the emergency room for them to inject me to stop my heart and return it to a normal rate. I guess her case she needed to have an invasive procedure and has lung complications as well. A much worse condition obviously.Anyways, hearing what's going on with her has created fear in me since I'm concerned that this could potentially happen to me.
To go back to the conversation. A person who filled in for her missing that week gave avery dry sermon and I was a bit irritated.I mentioned/complained to Bob the negotiator-- that what is really going on with the minister. Is she really that sick, is she spending extra time pampering herself taking it easy having a vacation? Afterall, she does take alot of vacations (which is OK) and pampers herself alot when ill.(In the back of my mind I guess I wanted him to say yes she's taking it easy vacationing... because then maybe this condition I have will always be easy to manage -hopefully you get my view.) But of course someone hearing this could assume I'm bashing the minister.I also mentioned that when she's gone attendance drops and in any other business situation this wouldn't fly. He was tackful and pointed what I said about attendance being low when she's gone is a concern because church should be able to stand on it's own when the minister is gone. He pointed out that he feel the church is a not a democracy and I he'd like to change that and negotiate a better way. He brought up poor record keeping, the building fund being used for the mortgage,about disorganization, what if she continues to be ill, getting an assistant minister,Basically, we talked about a lot of stuff that if anyone hearing it the boat would be rocked severly. I thought it was a productive conversation. My eyes wer wide open about some of the stuff going on that I never realized. Anyway, I returned to church for an afternoon event yesterday and someone asked me where I I've been. Lately, I've been sick, have been getting extra sleep, or just didn't want to go out into the cold to drive. I told her that sometimes even though I like this place, stuff about it bothers me. (I'm usually there every week.) She told me that the latest is about some conversation that the minister takes too much vacation and someone was questioning whether she was really sick or just vacationing and alot of stuff was said about the building remodeling fund being used to pay the 12K mortgage. She said can you imagine that someone had the audacity to say she takes too many vacations? I can understand why someone could think it though but to say she wasn't really sick and just vacationing. My God she was recooperating? I didn't put two and two together at that point in time since the conversation was confidential and over a month ago. I said that kind of stuff usually get going through the gossip and she said she has no idea who said it or how. Later driving home I realized what's what. Evidently the boyfriend of the church's executive director was eavesdropping and must have said something to her and she then said it to others and it then got to this women I was speaking. I was pretty aware he was sitting there and figured he wouldn't be listening to a private conversation. I was obviously wrong.
So here's my question, my guess is this is all over the church with a select few knowing who said what. I bet there was something said in the sermon as a blanket statement. I've been in situations where people have told me something and I've kept my mouth shut. I realize the grapevine is a destructive thing that if someone perpetuates gossip without clarifying a viewpoint.
What do you think I should do?
Punch the eavesdropper?
Clarify if Bob the negotiator said something (not his style and highly unlikely)
Let it slide, since someone else could have said something like this and maybe it's not about me? Afterall, this is a situation where someone eavesdropped and gossiped without giving the person the benefit of the doubt.
Thanks for your suggestions! IP: Logged |
sesame
Moderator Posts: 697
From: Brisbane, QLD, Oz
Registered: Nov 2003
|
posted February 01, 2005 02:08 AM
Well, I say 100 percent to let it slide. To me, this has taught many lessons:1. when not to talk about things
2. that everyone perceives what they hear in their own way
3. that innocent questions may always be distorted
4. that you got to see a cycle in its entirity which is truly awesome - now you understand what to do if you overheard someone else. These things happen. I think it's great to see things like this in action, sounds like you learnt a lot about the cogs of life in a relatively short time frame. Just sit back and see where it goes. If you were to intervene again, I think things will get worse. Accusations might fly etc. I was in a similar situation where I made a stupid comment about a person that recently died. I was very young and said: "Well, since God has a plan and controls everything, then maybe He controlled this persons life, and hence he died for a reason. He must've deserved to die or God wouldn't make it so." Well, this got twisted around to how people thought I thought he deserved to die - not taking my meaning about God's plan at all, which is quite understandable. So the next day I got hit and thought I'd get hit everyday after, but the day after everyone forgot the thing completely. Life's just like that. Heaps of Love,
Dean. IP: Logged |
26taurus
Moderator Posts: 5135
From: the stars
Registered: Jun 2004
|
posted February 01, 2005 05:52 AM
Great advice Dean.  I dont have much to add except to try not to judge others. Everyone is going through their own things and we shouldnt let this bother us. When we do find that there is a person or situation that is bothersome to us, we need to step back and figure out why that is - what it is within our own selves. We have no right to say if what others are doing is wrong or right. And all of our perceptions of things are so different and usually distorted that you cant make judgements about the wrong or rightness of other people actions or choices. You are going to see things only from your viewpoint and not from the other persons actual life and circumstances. So it's best not to get angry at what you see are bad decisions on other peoples parts. I wish you the best of luck with this situation. Learn all the lessons it has to teach you and move on. Release it.  ------------------
"You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.".,*`~.+,*~`.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche IP: Logged |
miss_apples
Knowflake Posts: 434
From: white bear lake, MN, USA
Registered: Oct 2004
|
posted February 01, 2005 11:22 AM
Kat, you know that you did not ask those questions because you thought bad of your minister for taking vacations. As long as you know that in your heart, thats all you need to do. Just let the situation go and take it as it comes. If anyone says anything to you just politly clarify why you asked the questions and thats it. IP: Logged |
LeoSweetHeart
Knowflake Posts: 245
From: California, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
|
posted February 01, 2005 04:29 PM
Hi Kat, yea I agree you didn't have bad intentions so you don't need to be carrying so much guilt. Thats just the nature of rumors, they're bred out of half truths. You know how when you play telephone and by the end the message is so mixed up. I bet most people don't know where it came from and those who do, well its their fault for eaves dropping. I don't think this will last long..people tend to be more focused on themselves then others, so it won't be long before that rumor gets old. I'm learning that in psychology..we think people are more concerned with us then they actually are. I know though in tight knit groups, people do tend to be more gossipy, but still everyone knows you there and know your a good person. You have better things to then get wrapped in a gossip circle. Its a complete waste of energy and all is usually put right in the end, its only a matter of time. Don't worry sweety 
IP: Logged |
iAmThat
Knowflake Posts: 546
From: Edison, NJ, USA
Registered: Sep 2004
|
posted February 01, 2005 06:51 PM
Dear Kat, We are ourselves in the same situation as you sometimes. The good thing is the rumor does not have a header that says "said by Kat". So you are fine. I guess even the church folks are anxious about the state of the church. My only advice to you is that, if I was you, I would start saying good things and rectify the mistakes. The part about the woman you must just let it go. I dont believe anyone who knows you would ever believe that you said those. Confrontation isn't necessary except when you want the other person you love to know the truth.
As regards to other parts of the conversation, its interesting how anything operates in real life. I would relate you my suggesstion. May you did include it in the conversation. But if I was you, I would make more good suggestions and thereby show my good intentions. Constructive suggestion must always be welcome by any organization. If they don't its not a great place to be in.
1. I do not know how your church operates, but, having another good minister must be considered because of long absences.
( People remember 20 percent of what they hear and if the speaker does not have good things to say, the attention is lost.)
2. In our church the decan only gives sermon 1 out of 4 sunday. He simply reads from the paper. I always want the priest to give the homily. More attendance mean more collections.
3. Doesn't the church have a network? Sometimes it helps to invite leaders from other churches (same denomination I suppose).
IP: Logged |
Kat
Knowflake Posts: 294
From: Cleveland, Ohio
Registered: Jan 2003
|
posted February 02, 2005 07:19 PM
Thanks all - big hugs,
I talked with a friend and she basically said the same thing. It's really great to ask people's advice when a blunder like this occurs. I tend to be a worrier and my imagination goes wild, so having clear minds to sort through this is a blessing.
I had this conversation a month ago, so evidently some of the stuff discussed hit some people hard.
Yes, Iamthat, an assistant minister is needed. We frequently, invite guest ministers from other churches and have had a fair share of them this year - the assistant seems like a good option. IP: Logged | |
Lindaland
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! 
