posted February 16, 2005 08:34 AM         

Mock him subtly.

posted February 19, 2005 01:06 AM         

1. WHAT? Write down the problem. And analyse it.

2. WHY? Why it begin in the first place? Am I responsible for it?

3. HOW? How canI deal with it? What can I do to improve the present situation? What are all the possible ways of doing it?

4. WHEN? (THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE) When am I going to implement what I have just thought upon? The answer I get from mys-elf is often- NOW. Act upon the situation as soon as possible. Do not delay.

This WWHW has helped me in a lot of difficult time. I hope it is of some help to you also.

R

posted February 20, 2005 10:44 AM         

Ruman, I will do your WWHW too. As I remember I read somewhere that don't waste too much energy on such things just anaylse and let it go.
I wanted too, even my HR changed my boss too last to last week. But stil he is not ready to relive me from under him and he will keep reporting bad mouth for me. My HR too got fed up that why don't he leaves you if you are so bad. I want to work but everyday morning he will start calling me and start giving me work. If I refuse that I work for somebody else, he will start creating scene that I refuse work and this work is so important that I am trying to give loss to Company. Neither he let me work for my present boss nor he even let me finish what he gives me. I am tired of his lies.

posted February 25, 2005 01:47 PM         

You mentioned that he lies to keep you working under him. Is he your boss or just a co-worker?It's difficult working with someone who is insecure about their position and security with this employer. It's my experience that they will do anything to make themselves shine and will feel threatened by anyone or anything that rocks their security boat. yes this "person" will appear in different bodies AT ALL THE JOBS YOU HAVE THROUGHOUT YOUR LIFE. It's not just a lesson for only you to learn; we all deal with this. The only way to deal with it is to strengthen yourself. I'm 41 and I still have to deal with this. The ego is always present.

Can you give us some specific example of a particular incident - I'm pretty good at telling different ways of handling an incident. What do you think would happen if when he belittled you again, you said "Are you trying to knock me down again?" I've noticed that on frequent occasions your comments to me tend to be negative."When you do this I feel ____" Then state a possibility for the future. (important to tell how you want things to change that would benefit both of you. If you don't do this then you are simply belittling him and cutting off communication and massive trouble will result.) I wish that when we'd speak that we spoke of more productive and optomistic topics. Maybe you can tell me about ...Can you see that as being something that can be achieved?"
Remember you are in control if you get the skills and confident to do so. Showing your afaid, analyzing,complaining to others, all would not benefit you. Life skills of assertiveness and positive communication would be a tremendous benefit. Actually, they are spiritually beneficial as well. Just come from a place of love in which you are lovingly telling him how this is affecting you and how you percieve the future to be with both of you.

posted February 25, 2005 03:51 PM         

That I lack in dealing with the dynamics of what's going on. I need to improve.

Whatever I talked about is my boss and he got one group of his own nationality. They are not from America. They speak their native language in office which I don't understand. They feel comfortable in their own group and working with themselves so they can keep management in control and like a threat to organization too. Though I have respect for their knowledge but the way they treat me is no more like a stray dog. I think they might want to appoint another person of their own nationality.

You know you picked up everything what is going in my heart. I talked yesterday too to my VP and he told me just hang on everything will be allright. Again I complained it and I hate myself for it.

few examples
like when we get our work. If I am very good in one thing(I am a software Engineer), he won't give me anything related to it, he will assign me something like test, hardware related(which is totally not my area). Then if I say I don't know then he will start saying that I refuse for work.
Now if I get some work that also after lot of struggle and he will come to me and would ask me estimate that how much time I would take like I said 4-6 weeks. And he would say in front of me that okay take your time, no hurry.
Then after 2-3 days, I will get email which is already cc to VP and other directors too that I am delaying this project and he asked me to finish in 1 week which is impossible.
Now even if I work morning 8am till 9pm, it's impossible. Then everyday in the morning he would be standing in my office and saying that take your time and emails I would be receiving are totally contrary to his statements.
Okay I finished it what he asked in 1 week(that means my estimate was wrong) though I worked from 8am till 9pm and weekends too(without paid for it) and he will get credit that he got it done. But the moment I reach to end, he will put one of his person into my work. Though that person will not even approach me for any help, nothing, but his name will come as prominent like he did it. But when I will say that he did not, then they will say you were busy in your office and can not even stand from seat to approach him for consultation. When I go and talk to them, they behave like they will eat me raw. So I keep doing my work in my office silently.

Now, he will say, no I was thinking that you are doing this way. So this is not what he was expecting.
Oh my God, they don't leave me from any corner. I feel like either he is behaving like my step mom or mother-in-law. Just keep on finding faults.

posted March 02, 2005 06:17 PM         

Reading your story, it seems that perhaps you did choose the appropriate amount of time to complete the project --if you didn't do the massive overtime. Maybe next time you could write down the time itemized (formally)and present this paper to this individual. Approach him pleasantly and mention that you fully looked over realistically how much time it would take to complete this project and your concerned that it may take additional time to finish. Be prepared with solutions to the issue (very important) Perhaps you could delegate parts of the work to other individuals? Get an extention of time. Find out the minimum which is required by that time. and so on... If this person does not respond to you in a positive manner which is working with you to get this job done, then he is not work your precious time. Start looking elsewhere, but don't quit.It's easier to find a job while your still employed.
Keep in mind that you were the one that agreed to work weekends and long hours, now it is expected of you and it will be tough to break this cycle. With gaining skills it will be easier for you to start doing. (I'll be trying to make this change the same as you, Fortunately I love my bosses.)I come to realize I need to start improving my personal life and maybe I won't focus on filling this void with overwork.

I am concerned that you are not doing what you were trained to do. Again you agreed to do this whether you realize it or not. Who could you productively express this need to?

Is there any challenge - new learning to your job (other than the people)?

I once had a superior that gave me all the boring work and would save the good stuff for himself. Another person would only give me partial information and would train me as if I was less knowledgeable. In both cases, I have learned that they have acted on their personal insecuries to keep themselves in a superior position of me. If I was allowed information that would lead to higher learning or more creative projects, I would have outshined them and if layoff time would come around I would be less dispensable than they would. So keep in mind most people act from ego, keeping themselves superior and indispensible. Allowing you to rise might also mean an increase in pay which they might not want to give you. I have learned to have empathy for these people. They lack true confidence and are threatened if they seem less than what they are trying to portray.

Go ahead and try new skills as you learn them. If they are not receptive, ask yourself if you could have improved on the approach and try again some other time. I'm not sure of your age or how long you have been at your job, but an eventual change may be needed if you are to grow. I would try being more assertive before you go elsewhere because you will need to start at square one at the new place. I would start getting a resume together anyway. Sometimes reflecting on our skill leads to improved self-esteem which is needed to be assertive.