posted May 13, 2005 11:21 PM         

I mean, yesterday, I accidentally rolled my eyes, and talked back a little, and he's still ****** about it. Another time, he got mad when my mom cut the sausage in half. No seriously, that was it. She just cut it in half, and he got so mad! (Now ...you guys get the idea, right?)

And now he's up there, talking about me (soo much like a little gossip spiteful girl) saying how utterly screwed up I was, how spoiled I was, how stupid, how I do this and that. And making fun of me, how I talk, yadda yad! And now he's mocking my mom!

posted May 13, 2005 11:33 PM         

He's just unhappy, thats it. And he's taking it out on us. Mostly me, and when I run to my room, my mother. Thats what I freaking cna't take! My mum has been everything, without her, the three of us would never have survived. She deserve someone so much better, and I've said so before (damn, that was not pretty)

But why is a father so important to a child, and yet they can be the most harrying? Why can a father cut you so deeply, or fathers, in my case. I don't know what to do, I don't wnat a replay of the last four years. Please, I don't want it, I want to move on, I want him to be nicer, normal.

I know he's pretty good compare to most, but he's so...so easily angered, at the tone of a word, or a quick look, and when he's mad, he would talk about you, about how worthless, how stupid, how messed up, how disrespectful, how nuts, how crazy.

In my name is the word scar. I don't want to be scarred anymore. I want all of this to end. Please help! Please. I really want all of these to end.

posted May 14, 2005 12:03 AM         

your mother needs to recognize this and get you and herself out of this relationship, and subsequent similar relationships as soon as possible. please tell her about verbal abuse and the damage it wreaks on people.

please take a look, and have your mother look, at the following website...they have loads of information and they can offer some very real help and guidance.

Verbal Abuse.Com

love to you Christina, and don't for a minute stop believing that you can make a difference here...do it for yourself, your sister and your mom...you're all too valuable to be destroyed by men like this.

posted May 14, 2005 01:16 AM         

This is the worse part, I don't know what I want things to do. WE cannot leave, because my mom really do need him, and even the three of us need him sometimes. I do not wish him harm, so there's no way for me to have a solution. And if i don't know how to solve this, I don't know how to go about it.

I just don't know why it still makes me cry! I'm crying now as I write it! I should be used to it! I should! I've had years of this, why aren't I used to it? I thought I was. I really really did. Ugh...need a tissue.

We've seen--acutally I've seen (I'm the one who needs help in the family. Really, that's what they said. I'm the problem) social workers, and they haven't helped any. And the thing is, he doesn't do much of anything to my younger sisters. Frankly, they're not as outspoken, or as stubborn or brave (or foolish, whichever)as I am. So many times he's called me a liar...but that was all in the past! I thought it was...it hadn't happened recently! Why did it start now? Mostly, he picks on me, but only when he's ****** about something (which we never know what, and when mom asks, he'd just say how she did this and she did that, like, how she gave him a look ...none of us saw teh look..)

I just realized something--when he's ****** , he picks on me (or when he's not ****** , I somehow makes him ****** ) then I would TRY not to say anything, try to stare at my food or whatever (but I have such a bad temper! And I'm very self riteous, and I always stand up when I know I'm being wronged...)so I would say something, and usually I wont. Then he would complain about me to my mom, even when I was right there, and then after I was gone (but within ear shot...they just don't know) he'd still be complaining. Saying how I was fat, I was worthelss, I always have crap with me, I'm always making a mess, how I myself am messed up (I woke up from a nap hearing that) how spoiled I was, and I don't even know what else he says when I can't hear. And then my mom would ask him why he was angry, and he'd be like "its ur fault, you did this, or Christina did this, and you didn't yell at her. I think its disrespectful, how dare she talk to me this way" and on and on...and also, he would twist horrid reasonings and make them seem reasonable.

For example (and thank you so much for letting me vent..I couldn't sleep, and this will help) once, I had my bead set out, and I was making a bead bracelet with Pao, and then Veronica (whose three) came over and knocked it over. And then he blamed me, saying how I shouldn't have taken it out, how I knew she was this and that. See...that gets my so confused. Was I right in thinking it wasn't my fault she knocked it over?

And they have this huge bedroom, where they bought a nice new big screen tv. And everyone, my stepdad, and my sisters (my mom was working) were watching, so I came in, and sat on the bed on my mom's side and watched with them. And then Veronnica came over, trying to sit next to me, and she knocked over the computer,and then he told me to leave the room. Me. He said that hwere ever I go I bring trouble, how everything was soo peaceful until I got there and how I ruined everything.

So many times he'd make me so confused with his reasoning. His reasonings are so twisted, that no one would make a connection, but he does, and somehow makes it seem like it was my fault, with ...do you understand what I mean?

sometimes I wonder if its my fault. He always tells me that he and mom has fights about me, but never about my sisters.

Why does he hate me?

Oh, and TP, I did once. He just called me a ***** and told me to get otta the house. That was...unpleasant.

Thank you saffron. It's really really...I don't know how to explain it. But when you're sad, and you read something so beautiful (you too TP) it...makes everything seem better. I'm sure everything will be better. I just gotta give him some time, stay otta his way so he won't get extra ****** (except..I wasn't even in his way today...he came downstairs, saw me, and got angry...) but whatever. I'll leave the house, go see a show, do my homework. Then after...I suppose I must apologize...I really don't want to. I hate humbling myself when I'm in the right.

Is there a reason why these things happen? Did I subconsioucnly choose to have such rotten luck in fathers, and my mother choose to have such horrid fortunes in lovers? Was I born to my mom for a reason?

Speaking of my mom...he doesn't work! My mom works 24/7, and he doesn't! He's got no job...I don't think, I mean, mostly he works in the backyard, or go to the gym to work out.

Either way, I seem to be the only one effected, and mom--I don't know, I've told her before, face to face (and even in front of him...yeah, I'd go with foolishness) that she deserve someone better, that he isn't worth it (ouch...that one earned me lovely hell for a few months)and she just said I was the problem, and not him.

I don't think she's effected by it often. Mostly, she's too busy with work..

Hey, I feel better! Thanks you guys. Spilling your guts do work!

posted May 16, 2005 01:38 AM         

I agree completely with Linda. I don't know what advice could be helpful, but I'll say a couple of things.

Yes, avoidance is the first step. I would treat him like an unpredictable animal. Stay away and if threatened treat with utmost respect until he goes away. Know that there is no safe place except outside. Try to spend as much time as possible with friends at the park, or wherever, but try to stay clear of him.

However, there will be situations where conflict will be unavoidable, so analyse everything he says from different angles. Is he really yelling at himself? What is he really saying - ie is there anything you could do to help, or is he just stark raving mad.

Know that this is temporary. That no matter how bad it gets, you will soon be free and will grow from all encounters - whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger eh? Also, you might be set up for future endeavours where you can really help people with your advice etc (no I wasn't abused, I just like giving advice ). I mean, there's always a silver lining right? But I don't want you to play the victim, I just want you to self preserve. Survival is the name. Seek help if there is any around and if you think it won't result in worse situations, but I would stay silent and keep my distance.

posted May 16, 2005 10:19 PM         

I grew up with a stepdad whom I never got along with either. My mother and I lived with him from the time I was 12 until I was 20! He was also very insensitive with the comments he made to me and he always put his material possessions before me or my feelings. He would constantly degrade me and even when we were supposedly on good terms (for like a day), he would jokingly make fun of me. Also when I was around 12 he touched me inappropriately, so I never let my guard down when I was around him from then on. It was awful!! For the first few years I did what you did, I talked back and tried to stand up for myself until I saw how scary his temper could be. As I got older I learned to try not to be in the same room with him if possible to avoid getting stressed out and hurt. Its funny because I had always seen my mother as really strong and independent before he came along, so it still shocks me when I think about the fact that she stayed with a man that made me feel so uncomfortable in my own home. Like others have said, it is hard for some women to leave, so don't blame your mother..unfortunately she probably feels she doing you all a favor by providing you with a father figure. What they don't understand is no father/husband is a lot better than an abusive one.
Well now I'm living in Cali on the other side of the country from my stepdad (in VA) and I feel so much freer and happier and SAFE, most importantly. You too will have this before you know it. I know I didnt say much you haven't already heard but I just wanted share my story with you to let you know I can relate and I Survived!! You will too sweety hang in there!