posted June 20, 2005 10:31 PM         

(Prologue)

Open up! I’ve something to tell you.
No, go away, I’m not here.
But I’ve something to teach you, open up, let me in.
I’ve nothing to learn. Nothing else to learn.
But there’s always something to learn. Open up. Let me in. Let me teach you.
No, now shoo. I’m busy.
But you must open the door. You must let me in. I’m here, to help. You must let me in. I must teach you, I must! I must!
(Silently, the door opened.)

(small part of what I've already written)

Grandfather was dying. His skin sagged, and the left side of his body was paralyzed. His eyes were dull. He needed help to relieve himself. I couldn’t speak well, his words were slurred with painkiller. Now, this is the grandfather who loved to play word games, loved to use his sharp wit in an argument.
He was the grandfather who picked me up after I fell, who could have slung me over his shoulder easily if he had wanted. He never laid a hand on me. Oh no, I was his favorite. Even after I bit my cousin on the butt, and accidentally broke the family vase, he never hit me. He wrote music, he played music. He wrote books, read books. He painted, brought paintings. He used his hands, his head, his mind, for almost anything he could use them for.
And here he was, helpless. He couldn’t write a word, couldn’t remember how.
And that was where I met hopelessness. Helplessness. And that was where I vowed that I would never let it happen. Not to me, not to my friends, my boyfriend (if I ever have one) to my sisters, my parents, my cousins. Not to strangers either, if I could help it.
But then you must understand my predicament. I am still young, have only a few years of this lifetime on earth. I am hardly capable enough of teaching you wise old ones of how things should be run. What would I know of the world? I’ve barely left the nest, eh?
Well, I am still young. I like to pride myself on being a child at heart, and a wise one in mind. See, I am still young, and I still love, and I still hope. And that is what I want to get across through this book, and help you wise ones to love again, to hope again. See?
And I can only hope that this bookling could give the message across, and help you get past those helpless moments.

posted June 21, 2005 08:15 AM         

So, recently I was talking to my wife about (as always) God and life. She was annoyed at a person at work and I related how annoying people can be, but then I went off. Basically, if God doesn't exist then what are we? We are people walking an Earth living our lives. All things we experience are personal. Not two experiences or thoughts alike, so really how do we relate to people? Very loosely. Really, we relate with ourselves. Someone comes along and says something, and we go "Wow, I wonder how I would feel in that situation". You might have similar experiences, but ultimately, they are relating their lives. Now here is where I gave great praise for listeners. They're awesome. To listen without contribution! To not need to relate. To just be a sponge that absorbs what you're saying without turning it around to how they feel. Sometimes that just annoys me, but I don't know why. I just think you have your life, I have mine, so why compare? Hence, a lot of my conversations can be disjointed. How do you converse with someone that doesn't reply? One-sided conversations are OK by yourself, but a little difficult with others. In fact, I often wonder about writing my own two sided thread in LL, but I don't really have the guts. Why not? I don't know. I want to, but then I don't. You get the drift. I guess the reason I don't is because I love people deep down. I want people to respond and see what they say. Life isn't just me. And yet, my life is. I mean, you can't fool yourself and say you live for your relatives or friends, because in the end, you are you.

Now, back to what I was saying. If God didn't exist, we would exist for existing's sake. I don't mean we need something to worship, or even some entity that we can all relate to as human beings, but I mean, God IS EVERYTHING. Well, that's the other half of this argument. The first is whether God existed, and undoubtedly she does, because we don't exist for the sake of existance. We exist for an extremely complex purpose, and yet, infinitely simple.

If God is everything, then we are everything. It is in our best interests to prolong life and this world. Does hope exist? Well, yes, but I really don't think it's useful. You do what you do. If you hope, then you hope. If you are, then you are. Here's the quandary (and I'm sure explained in many books, CWGs a good primar ) that we find it difficult to Know anything. We are always second guessing ourselves. Constantly. Is it because other people make us feel inferior? Do other people put us down and make us doubt ourselves, and hence, everything? Can we blame other people if we chose to exist in this dimension at this time? Well, yes to everything, and I'm sure a little no here and there. My point is that it's almost impossible to be who you really are. You have to ignore everything! Hence the buddhist monks and tibetans etc. Preists, nuns, rabbis. It's like they shun the din of humanity to listen to their own hearts. Must we ignore the world to hear our own soul?

In closing, their is hope, but there should be more certainty. Know that God is everything. Faith is great for Knowing that you are travelling your path. Why does right and wrong exist? As I asked that question, I realised completely that it is for ancient reasons. As cave men we had choices. Survive or kill. To other cave men or animals, that was the question. Right was survival. Wrong is death. Now we Know that death isn't wrong and yet we fear that. Why? I think it all stems back to cave men. We have evolved to know that all is love. That death is a mere distraction to life. That living is experiencing. That all is God.