posted December 06, 2005 12:18 PM         

As I got older, I suffered from depression and low self-esteem. I decided to fill the void with sex. I felt that at least someone would love me a little.

I was very lucky not to have contracted any diseases or get pregnant in highschool. I had to have my friend take me to clinic for birthcontrol, as this was something I NEVER would have been able to talk to my mother about. I don't remember her having a talk with me.

When I reached college, I found a nice boyfriend. We ended up getting pregnant, he got scared and left. I decided that there was no way I was ready to be a parent. At that time Abortion was not an option for me as I hadn't really looked into my spirituality for myself. I had just swallowed the line of rhetoric. I decided that an adoption was the way to go because at least that way people who REALLY wanted a child would be able to have one. As I said in my other post, when it got to be 40 weeks the OB said "you haven't dropped yet, we need to schedule a Csection" As I wasn't really sure about dates this makes no sense. But as pregnancy is looked at like a ticking time bomb, prevention is the KEY you know?

So I was 19 didn't know anything about myself and had a mother who was a nurse and well if the doctors say it;s for the best we will do it.

I had major abdominal surgery and everything went swimmingly. Christopher Gabriel was born on 12/30/94. 6 days after my 20th birthday. His circumscision was "a tricky one, but we got it done." So the Dr. told me. On Jan 4, I left him at the hospital. I cried for 2 days straight. And for many many days afterward. It was the hardest thing I will ever have done in my life. I would rather have someone rip my arm off than go through that again.

Fast forward to 1998, I met my husband. This pregnancy, I started out with an OB, as we went along, closer to the due date, he told me that he "might" let me have a trial labor, but I should be prepared for the possibility of another section. That didn't sit quite right with me. SOmething in my being told me that wasn't how it was supposed to be, and how are you supposed to care for a newborn, after having had surgery properly? A lady I worked with suggested I try her midwife.

So I called her. Right from the start this Woman, empowered me, supported me, was willing to fight for ME. Because she knew that women are able to give birth without all the fear based extras that the Medical Industry adds on.

Well I got to 42 weeks and she never said a thing about inducing me, as I was again unsure of conception date, she felt that "if the fruit doesn't fall from the tree, then it's not ripe yet." We did have 2 sessions of accupunture to get labor going, and she started me on herbs to help along. It was on tuesday june 15 that contractions were started. Went to the midwife, and I never started dialating, or having contractions that went anywhere. I had more accupuncture, and herbs. On Friday we came home, I was unable to sleep all night. Saturday the 19th around 5 pm, I KNEW it was time. So we packed back up to the midwife. From that time until 7 am Sunday morning, I had unrelenting contractions. At 7 am the midwife said she thought it was time to go to the hospital since breaking my water hadn't gotten any further along, and she felt that pitocin might help, and she didn't want me to get too tired. We went to the hospital. The OB we got stuck through the emergency room, saw that my water was broken(it had been an hour) and immediately ordered ampicillin, without looking at my chart to see that I was alergic to penicillins. If I hadn't had a midwife who prevented the nurse from "just hooking this up for ya." I would probably be dead along with my daughter.

I was on pitocin drip for 5 hours. Instead of having contractions like ocean waves, gentle rhythmic, I had sledgehammer unrelenting pounding searing contractions. If I had been alone, with no one to help me, like my husband, or doula, midwife, I don't know that I wouldn't have asked for pain medication.

At Noon, the Dr. decided that all this nonsense had gone on long enough, and I was going to get a section. They prepped me and were about to roll me down to anestetia, when I was informed that someone had just gone in to get their appendix removed and it was going to be another hour.

Around 1 pm the Anestesiologist was on his way, when I HAD to push. This was no doubt This baby is coming now, I can't wait anymore. Well the nurse got on the phone, and was telling us to "just wait until the doctor gets here please"

Well my midwife caught Morgen just as the DR. came into the room. He looked like someone had just stolen his best toy. He proceeded to push the midwife out of the way, and grab Morgen away from her. Lucky he didn't drop her.

Then they tried to prevent me from leaving the same day. TOld me I was better off staying Just in Case something would happen. I knew I wasn't going to be able to bond and properly learn to breastfeed until I got out of there, so we signed out AMA.

I got involved with La Leche League. Found a whole bunch of nurturing, caring, gentle mothers, who just wanted to do what was best for their babies and to be supported in that. This was one of the turning poitns. I found so many good role models for myself. I knew that these were the kind of mothers I wanted to be like. About the same time, another friend told me about Mothering Magazine, and The Complete Mother, and The path of Parenting by Vimala McClure.

I just intuitively knew, that if I was going to be a mother, I was going to NOT be like mine. I did alot of reading, and I spent time with LLL mothers. I had SUPPORT. I cannot stress enough how Important SUPPORT is for mothers. I could call LLL leaders anytime of day or night and they would talk to me and help me, some even came to visit me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Going to post more later. My hands are tired

Love,

Goatgirl