posted September 21, 2011 06:38 PM            

That night, I had horrible nightmares. A head vampire was after me, and had turned everyone around me (including Mom and Dad) into vampire slaves. I could fly, but that only helped some. Even Mom and Dad were clawing at me from the ground as I flew away. Then I thought I would wake up, but I wasn't. The guy who chased me was outside my room, trying to get in, and I would go and hold the door shut screaming for Mom and Dad until I woke up from actually screaming. I'd dream that over and over again.

What was even weirder was for the next couple of weeks or so I was surrounded by poltergeist effects, like a small globe flew off the top of the fridge, a bunch of dishes slid over the counter and fell on the floor though not broke, and my binder flew off my desk at school and just as I thought of the papers falling out I heard the binder rings click and my papers flew out everywhere, which freaked the boy out beside me who saw it. Anything electrical seemed prone to short out (at least momentarily) whenever I got real close to it, too (like when I'd walk down school hallways the lights above me would flicker as I went under them). I continued to have vampire nightmares, too. This all faded in like late November. (*Since posting this an expert in poltergeists told me it was common for a young girl afflicted with this phenomenon to experience an attack as I did and claimed the figure was actually a nightmare--perhaps one of the bogeymen from one of my dark fairy tales after little girls that I liked to write about back then--given temporary quasi-existence, though despite not being real, at least not in the conventional sense, he said they'd been known to harm the girls when they caught them so it was good I escaped. How many are actually killed by such manifestations isn't something he likes to even think about and isn't something that can really be known.)

The next October the nightmares came back and I had trouble sleeping putting me in a bad mood. A boy at school started goosing me over & over while we were going up the stairs and I turned and kicked him in the face (he was a few steps below me when I did it from a landing halfway to the 2nd floor) and then kept going up the stairs. I got called into the office in short order of course. What was bad was a psychologist there was getting bounties for kids he got sent to a mental hospital and he managed to talk my parents into sending me. I wasn't that against it because he told me it would be a "fun vacation" from school. But it was terrible as I was about the youngest one there with most kids around age 16 and they picked on me bad...and the adults there were even worse.

Then I saw an orderly there (who bragged of being a former marine, and he was huge) said a girl molested by her uncle enjoyed it until she freaked and had to be restrained while he laughed. I was so mad that I tried to stir up the girls side in revolt (we had some violent kids there so I thought it might work) but they weren't interested. Righteous wrath still urging me on I ran back and attacked the orderly. I actually managed to hit him a couple of times because I totally surprised him, but he knocked me down fast and I was put into a pink "quiet room." I'd also called him a fag because he liked calling boys (especially those who'd been sexually abused) that (I was only vaguely aware of what it meant and I was just trying to hurt him like I saw him hurt boys with his words). I was put back into my room that night but found my 16-year-old roomie was conked out (in retrospect I believe she'd been drugged) and the orderly came in saying he wasn't a faggot and was gonna prove it by making me perform oral sex on him. I tried pushing him back but only succeeded in pushing myself back (he was far too big & strong) but when my back hit the wall I brought my legs up and kicked out. All I knew was I'd suddenly been let go and I zoomed past him and ran to the desk for help. Instead they helped him (who was coughing in a panic, apparently I'd kicked him in the throat) and put me in plastic cuffs--when I resisted another punched me so hard in the stomach that I couldn't breath for awhile. I was carted off to a place called ICU which stood for something like "Isolations Corrections Unit" (I can't recall exactly) where I was stripped naked and placed in a locked room with a cold floor.

ICU mostly held adults (there was one 14-year-old boy in there who was in there for about the same reason as me but he left pretty soon) and luckily the adult inmates, while unpredictable, took umbrage that a child was locked up with them and gave me some support. But that didn't stop some horrendous psychological abuse that happened there (don't ask because I can't talk about it without breaking out in sweats, crying, going into rage fits--but I can say from experience that it was worse than rape and death because I experienced one and faced down the other when I was 16 and refused to get help for fear of being placed back there). I was also put on some heavy drugs that made my dreams go away and messed me up enough that food would fall out of my mouth when I ate. A very evil doctor tried to brainwash me into thinking I'd attacked the orderly for no reason. What I hated the most (in general, ignoring specific incidents) was how she'd have me strapped to a bed and injected with drugs that made me feel sick and I was scared I'd throw up & drown on my own puke.

Then one day she didn't show up for awhile (though I was so drugged I couldn't feel any relief, or anything else) and I was surprised when I was given my clothes (which no one was allowed to wear in ICU, we all had to wear inmate garb) and told to come with a man I'd never seen before. He led me to another building and when I went in I saw Mom. Even through the drugs I felt such shuddering relief and pathetic gratitude that I ran to her sobbing which just confused her. As it turned out the evil doctor was on vacation and meanwhile my Dad's insurance had run out so their computer sent a form letter saying I was all better (it was a scam and they'd get shut down later when insurance companies sued them and that was when the school psychologist who sent me was busted for accepting bounties to get kids with insurance there--btw, there was also at least one girl who got pregnant there by staff and didn't know which one was the father and another with permanent STDs, so maybe it was good I successfully fought back, though I faced worse than sexual assault in ICU). Because of the drugs I was incoherent and when Mom said maybe she should try to get me to stay longer I instantly shut up terrified of being returned. I also found out that she and Dad had started a divorce and she had a restraining order against Dad who no longer lived at home and that just stunned & overwhelmed me.

Over the next few weeks I had terrible nightmares (typically of being back in ICU, or like one where I ran into Mom's room to find that evil doctor in Mom's bed instead of Mom which made me wake up screaming). In retrospect I understand that some psyche meds suppress REM sleep and when coming off them suddenly there are often terrible nightmares (and I had no dreams at all while on those meds, whatever they were), in addition to the trauma of it all. In addition Dad violated the restraining order in drunken rages and I'm certain it was him who sabotaged the brakes that nearly killed me & Mom. Mom was fed up with my nightmares (where I'd wake up screaming) in addition to everything else (plus money was hard for her as she had no job and no child support yet) so she sent me back to Granny.

posted September 21, 2011 06:52 PM            

Being the Bible Belt Granny took me to one of the larger Baptist churches hoping I'd make friends (church life is VERY important there socially) but I didn't mix well with the preacher. He was a "brimstone and hellfire" preacher and liked to stare at new members (as I'd learn). To me it was my first time, I was even in a pretty dress, and I couldn't figure out why he stared at me so mean while he ranted from the pulpit about sin. So, being 13, I decided I'd just grab some gummi worms from Granny's purse, chew them up, and stick my tongue out with the chewed up worms on them and he'd be so disgusted that he'd stare at someone else instead. It didn't work out as I planned. He about had a stroke and people in the pews in front of us were turning to see what upset him so and then POW, I felt Granny's hand slap my leg hard and I put my tongue back in my mouth and swallowed the gummi worms. After service he quickly intercepted my Granny (who just tried to get us out there as fast as possible) and asked about me. Upon learning I'd moved in with her while my 'rents were divorcing in Houston he started giving me a speech about how big city kids weren't welcome there and I wouldn't be allowed to corrupt the town until I finally asked, "Do you know how boring you are?" As he started to have another stroke Granny pulled me away and that time we got away. She scolded me hard on the way home though at one point she did say, "You're 13, he's an adult, what's HIS excuse. Man of God my ass." The last made me smile and I quickly turned away before Granny could see it as she was pretty mad.

Insane rumors flew around town about me but this actually made me seem cool to some. It's complicated and I'm getting kinda tired of sharing, but I'll say that the town did more to corrupt me than the other way around: I smoked pot for the first time, went to my first keg party (and it was a dry county--that means no alcohol sales are allowed--and the party got raided by deputies but as it was outside on a farm many of us, me and my cousin included, got away into the woods and escaped), saw porn for the first time, shot a gun for the first time (without adult supervision--I had a finger too close to the ejection port and cut my finger pretty bad which scared the boy who'd snuck his dad's .22 pistol out so he could teach me to shoot but it was no big deal), and even did shrooms once that was a mystical experience for me and apparently allowed me to read minds (including of a sober guy who spread I had demons in me that allowed me to read minds) and had a small flashback in class which was an uncontrollable giggle fit to the confusion of my teacher.

Of course I did much more normal things, too, like horseback riding, gathering berries in the woods that Granny would put into pies (as Granny was always trying to get me to gain weight as I was under doctor's orders who said I had delayed puberty because I didn't have enough body fat), skinny dipping in a pond on our land, and playing with some of the animals. My cousin Zack also stayed with Granny and he and I got real close though he was very mischievous. He once put a stick of homemade dynamite in my hand with a burning fuse and I screamed & threw it just in time, and then beat him senseless as was only possible because of my adrenaline and that he was laughing too hard to defend himself. I was also real small because I didn't have enough body fat to enter puberty, though I'd stopped growing taller (possibly this was because of the drugs in ICU, and likely because I ate very little while in ICU and with Mom after and then was VERY active living with Granny). Though I endured **** rumors I also had to endure girls tormenting me over my lack of development in the locker room as well.

On my 14th birthday Granny got me a skateboard (remember, I'd wanted one ever since I saw The Crow) and I'd ride it down a hill (a very rough road with a lot of potholes) a lot...and I fell A LOT and once careened down the hill and into a ditch full of bull nettles. It started a new hobby for me and I skateboarded for many years after, well into adulthood. I still skateboard a little (using a longboard to get around) to this day.

Eventually Mom and Dad got to the part of child support and both tried to convince me to stay with them (if I lived with Dad he wouldn't have to pay it, if I lived with Mom then she got it), both even trying to bribe me. They accused each other of sending me to that mental hospital and what was strange is that I'd repressed the memories and almost never remembered it when I was living with Granny but the memories hit me like a sledgehammer and I hated them both for making me remember...and trying to make me move where I'd be near that hellish hospital.

I insisted that I wanted to stay with Granny but my so-called "court advocate" wouldn't let me speak in court and lied that I wanted to live with Mom, so I was handed over to her. Mom used the child support primarily to support her alcohol & tobacco addictions. I was absolutely miserable to be back in Houston. But I made friends (including in getting back with my best friend I made when I was 10) and sometimes stole some of Mom's brandy (reasoning that it was MY brandy since she got it with child support) and gave it to friends in exchange for food and a place to stay at times. (I'd have done the same with her smokes but the few who smoked couldn't stand Virginia Slims, Mom's brand of choice.)

My best friend had an abusive dad and went to the school counselor for help when her face was battered and she was missing some hair. The counselor was an idiot and tried calling her dad but luckily her dad hadn't paid the phone bill so he got her grandparents instead who told her that she had a close call--if her dad had gotten the call she might not be alive long after. Later she realized she was going to flunk (she drank and did drugs a lot) and decided to run away. I hated being where I was and loved her so I went with her and we became runaways living in the Montrose-Westheimer area of Houston. We ended up joining a krew of other runaway kids and had different ways of surviving. While I experimented in different things I settled on panhandling (small girls were best for this), a shoplifting scheme, and conning pizza from a pizza parlor (we'd arrange for a huge order which was never picked up and they'd throw most to all the pizzas, still warm and in their boxes, in the dumpster out back, which we had to share with a homeless guy who claimed their dumpster as his own and after we had our fill we took what was left to the other runaways). We also got sack lunches from the C-House (Covenant House) van but had to be careful what we told them because they'd sometimes report our squats and other resources to the authorities.

My best friend died and I became suicidal. At this time I was lacking in sleep & nutrition so in addition to the trauma (and drugs lingering in my system) I had a strange mystical vision where I "woke up" to find myself flying in a giant forest and came to a giant tree that took me to Freya who told me I needed to be strong for coming Ragnarok, and basically it reaffirmed my belief that while I couldn't trust adults I could trust myself and the vision had a strong affect on me. (It was weird, like how no one talked, but we all sang wordlessly but I could understand what was being said.)

A LOT of other things also went on out there, but I don't want to keep going on about it. Eventually a cop became obsessed with having sex with me and this scared me into going back home shortly after I'd turned 16 and found Mom hadn't reported me missing for fear of losing her child support.

School put me through a bunch of tests and placed me in ABC (Adaptive Behavior Class) which was segregated from the rest of the school, but I got along really well with my classmates/inmates. At one point we were all assigned to write what the founding fathers would think of the USA today and I instead made a story of how me and my classmates decided to interview them with a Ouija board at the home of one boy in class with insane pentecostal parents (who inflicted exorcisms on her kids with the help of her church) and her church busted us and attacked, and in the brawl the Ouija board (with the spirits of the founding fathers in them) was busted over the head of one of the fundies and the ghosts possessed the fundies and began to tell us what they thought of America today. I did real research for this story and put in footnotes. But they hated the USA and decided to hold another revolution and we went with them for extra credit and it got even sillier and was obviously inspired by The Matrix which I'd just seen. At the end of my story I had it turn out that our principal was possessed by Adolf Hitler (thus explaining his obsession about trying to impose school uniforms--and I gave a footnote from a school library book on how Nazi schools had uniforms which the principal later found infuriating) and shopping for a younger body to possess (which is why he was a principal), but we got saved by a motorcycle gang possessed by Celtic spirits (this was also based on history books I'd read and there were more footnotes, btw) and the principal escaped in a helicopter expelling us all as he got away so we all continued with the 2nd American Revolution as it was better than playing video games. My classmates loved it. The 2 teachers did not, gave me an F, and gave it to the principal who gave me in school suspension over it.

But one boy had a computer and liked to make zines and had me help him rewrite the story though he made it more violent, and at the end he had himself in the story gun down the principal AND our 2 teachers (added in by him) as they tried to escape in the helicopter. (I also added a poem.) That zine was really popular and many loved the story.

And then the Columbine massacre happened. There was an assembly which even we in ABC had to go to and the principal urged us all to turn in anyone who might be angry enough to do something similar (as a classmate said, "Dude, that's everyone I know!"). Later that day one of our teachers grabbed me and clawed my arm leaving bruises and I shoved her into the wall and I saw real fear and hate in her face. She said I had to get to the office and there inside was Mom, the counselor, and the principal and on the Principal's desk was a copy of the zine with our story in it of the principal and 2 ABC teachers getting shot in the helicopter. It did not go well. And then the counselor said I should be placed back in the mental hospital that had traumatized me before (they'd been shut down and reopened by then but I knew from ABC classmates that they were just as abusive as before). They wanted to send me right away but I threatened to move in with Dad so Mom refused to agree to it.

posted September 21, 2011 07:39 PM            

i am going to print this out and read it all slowly; it is how i connect better.

i have read up to the part where you were in the mental 'hospital'. i can't tell you how much reading about what happened to you has angered me. things like this should never happen to anyone, especially never to a child.

posted September 21, 2011 08:11 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
At one point we were all assigned to write what the founding fathers would think of the USA today and I instead made a story of how me and my classmates decided to interview them with a Ouija board at the home of one boy in class with insane pentecostal parents (who inflicted exorcisms on her kids with the help of her church) and her church busted us and attacked, and in the brawl the Ouija board (with the spirits of the founding fathers in them) was busted over the head of one of the fundies and the ghosts possessed the fundies and began to tell us what they thought of America today. I did real research for this story and put in footnotes. But they hated the USA and decided to hold another revolution and we went with them for extra credit and it got even sillier and was obviously inspired by The Matrix which I'd just seen. At the end of my story I had it turn out that our principal was possessed by Adolf Hitler (thus explaining his obsession about trying to impose school uniforms--and I gave a footnote from a school library book on how Nazi schools had uniforms which the principal later found infuriating) and shopping for a younger body to possess (which is why he was a principal), but we got saved by a motorcycle gang possessed by Celtic spirits (this was also based on history books I'd read and there were more footnotes, btw) and the principal escaped in a helicopter expelling us all as he got away so we all continued with the 2nd American Revolution as it was better than playing video games. My classmates loved it. The 2 teachers did not, gave me an F, and gave it to the principal who gave me in school suspension over it.

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haha this is great!

posted September 21, 2011 08:27 PM            

i just have to say, everything you have said sounds like what i would have done in your place...so your life is very fascinating to me. though i can relate to the having to fight against the heartless control of others (sadly, mostly from parents, who should be there to HELP you) and to the weird 'psychic' stuff, i have to say my own life has been nowhere near this hard. now i understand what you said about 'making yourself' and how you wouldn't be who you are, still have your 'self' (because the intuition and all that comes with that package right) if you had let others make you.

posted September 22, 2011 10:05 PM            

I got into Wicca for a short while before becoming a more general neopagan. I joined a group of unschoolers and homeschoolers who met at the library and made some close friends there. Because I didn't have access to a TV I joined some role players and played games like D&D (I had played the LARP Vampire: The Masquerade with some ABC classmates before and read some D&D novels so it wasn't too strange for me). I also met all kinds of people on the fringe, from aging hippies who never abandoned the lifestyle to armed survivalists preparing for Y2K. I volunteered at the library and was the only volunteer who showed up (out of about 20) to help with the children's summer reading program (so I, along with 2 librarians, had to deal with a score of children, some as young as 4, including in taking them across the highway to the beach, keeping them together, and bringing them back) which got me a smoking hot reference for working with children. I got to do a lot of travelling in the area and all the way to Portland, OR where I made more friends. I learned A LOT, developed survival skills and learned self-defense, got on the internet for the first time, had all kinds of interesting experiences, and with regular food I finally fully entered puberty without anymore stopping. I lost my fear of adults and more and more started acting like one myself and even got a job. Once again, life was good.

But then one night (dressed as a neohippie) a guy tried to sexually assault me and I found the self-defense I'd learned more than sufficient to deal with him. But his sister heard his screaming and attacked me. I knocked her to the ground and ran as others were coming and made my way to safety. It wouldn't have been a big deal, and I was happy to see that I could take care of myself, but some local gossips happen to know who they were and egged them on saying I was gonna get a gun and shoot them (and trying to get me to believe the same about them) and it was turning ugly (dangerous for me, I was offended at being manipulated for the bloody entertainment of others, and I also didn't want police scrutiny to fall on those who had helped me as a runaway though I was 18 by this time) so I accepted the offer of a friend to move into an apartment in San Francisco.

San Francisco didn't work out well, I found the city unpleasant (though I liked Golden Gate Park) and my roomies were drug addicts who kept taking my share of the money to blow on drugs and then demanding more for the rent. In desperation I moved into a flophouse in Oakland until I saved enough money to move to Venice where I tried to ply various trades on the Boardwalk. I had some hard times but I was creative and found various ways to make money, often as an independent contractor. I found a niche in that big biz ignored special sized women and I'd been sewing since I was a little girl and this ignored market paid A LOT to have clothes made, refitted, and mended for them. I also made dolls that sold for a lot, too.

Eventually a Russian American I'd formed a bond with in Portland called me and asked if I'd be willing to move so her great granddaughter could be my roomie, and as that worked for me as well I moved south and had to get set back up. I also did some housesitting and managed to get my own computer through barter and got that guy who gave me an old computer he didn't use anymore to pay for internet service for a few months as he wanted me to do real estate research for him while he was in Mexico. Then one family I housesit for wanted me to babysit and I expanded what I did for money and also arranged to work with a small biz that threw birthday parties for girls and with that reference from the library and people I babysat for I was able to arrange a biz arrangement with them that provided more income for a job I often found fun. (Later, when the Hannah Montana movie came out, I made HUNDREDS of extra dollars per week by taking girls to see it so that their parents & grandparents didn't have to.) With the help of library books I expanded what I was able to make & sew and made arrangements with a thrift store that was also profitable. Then I'd take color catalogs and bleed them with lacquer thinner onto freezer paper and sell it as gift wrap. Then I greatly increased how many color catalogs I got by creating a "mail proxy biz" where I'd receive people's orders and subscriptions for them in my name (which got my name into all kinds of mailing lists who sent me a lot of color catalogs for me to use in making gift wrap). I was always looking out for new opportunities (like the Hannah Montana movie I just mentioned) and found some amazing job offers (like once I was hired to play the Snow Maiden with a guy playing Grandfather Frost at a Russian American Christmas party and several drunken men gave me multiple bills, some of them hundreds, for about 3 hours of work (no sex, btw, which is why I was amazed at my good luck--though I did have to wear a very revealing outfit, flirt, and accept some groping hands & crude sexual innuendo of the same drunken men, but nothing too bad).

Meanwhile, I had a lot of fun at free parties (others say I was an awesome liquid dancer) and mixed with so many interesting people and even joined some Discordians for enlightening pranks. I continued martial arts training and got good at shooting & archery. Once in Venice I got heavily into surfing and came to prefer that to skateboarding. I enjoyed camping & hiking and also took up flower gardening. I also went back to Texas shortly before I turned 22 for a quick visit with Mom and Dad and a longer one with Granny and other relatives on the farm. While I had a very eclectic appearance at first I became much more feminine and often professional looking (at my time at a fitness center also helped me to stop looking like a kid and more like a woman). I successfully overcame my "October nightmares" and grew in confidence. I got into a very serious relationship that lasted for years but devastated me when I found I was being cheated on. I ended up living alone and then the landlord decided to sell the house out from under me (after I'd made enough improvements that he thought he could sell it to fund his own excesses) and found myself in trouble as I'd be hard pressed to afford rent in most other places unless I moved somewhere really bad.

But a girl I'd babysat before and taken to the Hannah movie called me and said her mom was really sick (swine flu) and I took care of her and the kids, cleaned up her house, and I arranged for the girl's Hannah-theme birthday party which got the boy to ask me to do a Transformers-theme birthday party the next month. Their mom and I got along, saw movies together and formed a close bond and she was wanting to leave where she was (but couldn't afford it with 2 kids to support) and we ended up moving together to a much nicer place. There were problems but we recently moved again to where we are now and I've made arrangements to keep making money the way I have been while I build up new arrangements & clients.

posted September 22, 2011 10:24 PM            

After the insurance companies got involved several were fired and a few months later they reopened with new staff. Presumably they no longer scammed insurance companies but resumed abuses as often happens whenever an abusive hospital is shut down and reopenned.

posted September 25, 2011 11:37 PM            

I saw Mom again last summer but she was pretty quiet and stuck mostly to herself and a guy she lets live with her. The one time we bonded was when I took over some rice krispie treats made with ganja butter that a cousin gave me (mainly as I wanted to enjoy her AC since Granny's house only has fans and it was VERY HOT) and we split that plus some peach brandy she had. We got along very well but we avoided talking about my childhood as that would've just ruined our good time.

posted September 26, 2011 01:16 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
Dad was angry when he found out I ranaway because he'd paid all that child support, but as I told him if he'd cared at all about me enough to check on me then he'd have known, and I was in no way obligated to tell him I was running away just so he could cancel the child support (and if he stopped paying then Mom WOULD'VE reported me missing to try and get me, er, her child support, back--and that wouldn't have helped me get away). I didn't go into details on why I ran because neither seemed that interested. Despite this I'd send the rare Christmas present to both from time to time.

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wow, i don't think they deserved the pleasure of your company ever again. i'm sorry, i just don't really go with the whole 'respect your parents' idea when said parents clearly had little respect for their own children.

i understand though, why you went back to see them, i guess. because no matter what there is always a part of us that seeks their approval, and it's always trying to get our attention, no matter how damaged it is. sometimes it makes us believe it is something else, but it is still the voice of an innocent little child seeking love.

it's hard when we have to learn to give that part of ourselves love-ourselves feels like it's never quite full, you just give it pacifying doses

posted September 26, 2011 04:54 PM            

But at the same time I've forgiven them and pity them as deeply flawed human beings. This doesn't mean I've forgotten and I don't put any real expectations on them to act like decent human beings.

posted October 01, 2011 03:57 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by pixelpixie:
Amazing story!

You should write it down, embellish it, add more dialogue, and sell it! It's seriously a good read.... your insight and intellect warring against the forces that would put you down. It's a hero story!

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i was going to say that also the other day, that you should write a book, but then my computer froze. it's true though, it makes for a fascinating life story, and it would be great to know the details.

(as someone who writes fiction i know firsthand the difficulties that come with writing though...and i feel disinclined for some reason to write about my own life because i feel so emotionally attached to it still...)