posted December 25, 2008 05:46 PM         

My pregnancy put a strain on our newlywed marriage, with me being so emotional and hormonal all the time, and my husband started going out more and more, coming back drunk, or smelling like perfume. Of course we would get into huge screaming fights, which I'm sure is not very healthy for a pregnant woman. I was in a constant state of stress, depression, and sadness at what was happening in my marriage.
I should have known it would have an effect on my child.

Looking back on it now, I am so ashamed for ever having those feelings. I wish I could have been one of those glowing, happy, pregnant woman who are so loving, and grateful towards the life growing inside them. I should have swallowed my own selfish pain, so that I wouldn't pass on the pain and emotional burdens to my child.

I am so grateful for my daughter. I never thought I could love another human being this much. I can't undo the damage I've done, so the only thing i can hope for, is to give her as much love as I possibly can to make up for the lack of it, in the womb. I am always so scared I'm going to screw up, and end up messing her up, or ruining her life. Sometimes I wonder if it's possible NOT to hurt your kids in one way or another. I feel like you hurt them when you try to do what's best for them, AND hurt them if you don't try to do what's best for them. Parenting is so hard! haha.

Before you mentioned it afflictedvenus, I hadn't even thought twice about the whole emotional turmoil I went through during the pregnancy. They actually say there is a chemical in the brain that makes women forget the bad stuff that happened during pregnancy and the birth, so that they will be willing to have more children. It's nature's way of making sure the human race survives and women keep having kids, by giving them amnesia to the bad parts. Kind of sick, but effective I guess! haha.

posted December 26, 2008 05:30 AM           

no I don't believe my mother did hurt me deliberately,she's been on tranquilisers for many years and just isn't connected to reality,she was a victim herself and chose not to look deeply or go thru the healing process,I still don't have a good relationship with her,I've had a good amount of therapy though and stopped waiting for her to realise the damage she caused and during the summer she came for a couple of days and whilst I was washing up I actually realised that I wasn't angry at her anymore,I don't know when I stopped being hostile to the very thought of her so it was a strange moment,I see that she is very lonely and still damaged even in her 60's yet I'm happy and surrounded by love,

I've got 6 kids,4 eldest all have tight moon chiron squares,I breast fed them all,they were always made to feel wanted yet I know deep down that they've seen me living my wound and come through the other side,as you say .. we can't undo anything all we can do is keep moving forward

I know some top astrologers that say chiron isn't as such a personal planet it's more about a collective wound that gets carried,like it's no ones fault really,yes we are all ultimately responsible for our actions but it goes back much further than you or I especially when the 12th is implicated

I have good relationships with my kids (eldest now 18) it is hard work being a mum and you're constantly adapting to them growing up,they do know when you try though and they do forgive you for getting it wrong now and again,chiron knows more than anyone than perfection is not possible in human form.

posted December 28, 2008 06:22 PM         

I'm sorry to hear that your mother was the victim of her own personal wounds, and couldn't really help or heal herself, even now. It's quite toxic to be around people like that when you're a child. At least you do not carry any more anger in your heart, and are surrounded by your own loving family and children. I hope someday she can look inside, and look to your life for some direction, and heal herself of her wounds. She needs a lot of love.

Your children are very lucky to have you as a mom! Maybe one day you can share your secret to balancing it all! I'm still having trouble with that! haha.