posted July 02, 2009 09:31 PM         

What am I supposed to do, as an extremely jealous person, to cope with urges that I hate myself for having???

I have a triple natal conjunction of the Moon (emotions), Saturn (fear), and Pluto (intensity) in the sign of relationships, Libra. Thus, these three placements are disposited by my Venus, which is in it's detriment of obsessive Scorpio.

I'm not the controlling-type because I've always understood the self-defeating consequences of such behavior. If my Capricorn Mars has given me *any* saving grace, it's always been the ability to censor my actions.

But how am I supposed to feel?!?! I can't help my fear. I bottle it as tightly as possible and I suffer tremendously. I want love so badly, but love is hell.

Jealousy is fear. I'm incredibly afraid of my intimate relationships. Why is this considered unnatural?

posted July 02, 2009 09:35 PM         

Bottling it up is not good. Then it will control you. You have to own it. Again, easier said than done.

posted July 02, 2009 09:44 PM         

Again, my behavior isn't the issue.

posted July 02, 2009 09:48 PM         

I know how you feel. I normally am not an extremely jealous person but if someone betrays me in the slightest, miniscule way, (or even if i suspect they did but have no evidence for it) my Pluto in Scorpio really comes out. And you're right, it is very difficult to trust people because there are so many cruel men and women out there! The sad thing is, there are more cruel people like that than there are good people!

I have been cheated on before and I know what it's like. It's extremely painful. My heart goes out to you.

Are you in a relationship right now? What is making you feel this way? Is it mostly a response to a partner's secretive actions? Do you feel that the relationship is on rocky ground or are you just generally afraid of losing that person even though everything's going great and they did not do anything to lead you to believe that they could be sneaking around??

posted July 02, 2009 10:18 PM         

i think the first step to try to better yourself is that it's great you're being honest about it.

based on the little background information you have provided, sounds like coupled with your venus in scorpio which i believe tends towards jealousy in relationships, you have had past encounters that left you not being able to trust people or that has wrecked your ideals about love (perhaps what it ought to be).

the best way to cope is to first try to let go of the fact that you can't control anyone but yourself. you can't control another's feeling but your own. i had to learn that too because i tend towards jealousy as well. not overt and not to an extreme. i'll go with medium mode. though...i think i'm like you in that i can hide it very well.

but i can get insecure and i hate the idea of competition or anyone stealing my sunshine away. whether it be with my parents or my best friend or a guy...i don't like to be made unimportant in the least bit.

whenever i get those bad feelings, i just remind myself okay, what are the actual facts of the situation here? i can think this or that, but what is the reality of the situation?

i also try to make light of the situation. like laugh at it, make jokes...just be like okay get a grip...you've done all that you could do on your end. who knows about what they're thinking or doing. i also just do other numbing things like watching funny movies or listening to music from a time when i didn't care about this love and romance stuff.

as for saying is this considered unnatural for being afraid of your intimate relationships, i don't think it is. i think it's natural. i fear it myself. i fear just like you about being hurt...placing your childhood idealistic views on the line with the possibility of it being crushed. that sucks the most.

but like...sometimes you just gotta learn to let yourself go and let your seriousness about love and life go. it's like, you can only control yourself. you can only do what you can on your end. just hope that being honest and genuine in your intentions that that person will honor you and do the same.

you only hurt yourself in the end if you keep it all locked down. just know that everyone fears this too. just try to relax, be honest, and start from there.

posted July 02, 2009 10:37 PM         

sorry just speculating... trust does take a while... very few people ever gain my trust so I can understand how it can be difficult... but it's like what stopandstare said... you can only control your own feelings... the right person won't disrespect your relationship with infidelity... and eventually you'll learn that you can trust them...

posted July 02, 2009 10:37 PM         

It's good you have effective coping mechanisms, but nothing works for me other than the distraction and rhythm of really long walks, and it's only temporary... as soon as I get home, sit down, and try to relax, my worries hit me like a ton of bricks.

quote:

---

learn to let yourself go and let your seriousness about love and life go

---

posted July 02, 2009 10:48 PM         

ATTACHMENT is hell--wanting to control a situation, clinging to the past or the future or ideas about how things should be instead of really embracing the moment and opening you heart to how things are--that is not love.

My suggestions for dealing with jealousy/related issues:

-practice lovingkindness meditation and study the Four Immeasurables

-expand your notion of love and explore (probably not romantic) love connections where obsession/attachment aren't part of the scenario for you--deepening platonic friendships, doing volunteer work where you open your heart and give to others unconditionally

posted July 02, 2009 11:01 PM         

I don't agree with the general population who all seem to want to tell you that you should just control yourself and your emotions and hide in a corner. That is self-destructive and you will deteriorate.

I think a start would be to do some self-searching and try to understand the fear that you call jealousy. If you understand it, misunderstandings are less likely to happen. When we cling to others, it's like a reflection of us clinging to ourselves. We see others as an extension of our self that we don't want to lose. So at the very root of that, a fear of letting go (losing control) might be the issue.

If you're ever afraid of things falling apart, do yourself a favor and let them fall apart. I think the answer you're looking for will occur after.

I hope you understand what I mean.

From:
Libra Sun
Scorpio Merc
Scorpio Venus-Pluto conjunction square Saturn

posted July 03, 2009 01:06 AM         

oh, i'm definitely not saying that these coping mechanisms help to erase away those feelings. okay one day. next day ahhh!!! i mean i go through the same thing. maybe perhaps with not the same intensity level, but the feelings of jealousy or what have you, definitely they creep back in.

i also find as i mentioned previously, recognize the facts of the situation. like pretend you're in court or writing an essay, show some proof of what exactly is going on that is causing you to feel this way.

i find writing out how i feel and then writing out the facts so i can see objectively what's really going on helps puts things in perspective.

as well, consider okay what exactly would help alleviate these feelings? what has to be changed or done in the situation for these feelings to dissipate? it may not happen in reality but like yeah, try to discover what exactly is causing these feelings. okay if option A won't work, what about option B. is it just a matter of you needing things to be more transparent. more communication. what is it?

on being described as being high strung: okay, baby steps towards letting go, my friend. i'm not saying let go with abandon in one day or that you have to be the total opposite in how you are as a person. lots of people are serious and high strung. that's fine. if that's who you are, be who you are.

i used to be totally like that. but i gradually, slowly, through time and taking cues from how the great people around me behaved like, just learned that hey man life's tough enough already, school's stressful enough already, now work is hard enough already...just chill a bit.

for me, i found being more easy going about what living life means and how i perceive true love should be like and all that...i found i'm less jealous feeling when i encounter things like that. however it doesn't erase away my tendency to feel jealous or insecure. as you say you get those feelings back. well they come back for me too, i just know how to put myself in check now. when i feel it now, i say to myself ah well, that's the way life goes. i did what i could on my end.

i'm not saying you gotta be goofy in general, but in terms of loosening up the serious grip on life in general. sorry if this isn't clear...but yeah don't change who you are. if you are a serious kind of person, stick with that. however, you don't have to take things, like love, so so so seriously because for me when i do that, that exasperates the feelings of jealousy that i know i will always have. i may have it, but it won't reach extremes because i can knock it down.

this is a slow process and you may never be rid of it but you can tone it down to safe levels.

posted July 03, 2009 01:24 AM         

quote:

---

Women (and men) are cruel, and the way women have treated me, coupled with my naively idealistic expections (Sun combust Jupiter), have left me with a huge trust gap. Why does it seem the majority of the population wants to shun me for the resulting jealousy?

---

We've all been heartbroken. A quick glance at this board, and you see a lot of posts about the very subject. It's all about how YOU (not anyone else) deal with circumstances. You can acknowledge a quality within yourself and try to overcome it. It's good you've acknowledged your jealousy issues, that's the first step in overcoming them.

posted July 03, 2009 04:38 AM         

But i have to say one more thing - fear and love are mutually exclusive - print that and stick in on your mirror - fear blocks us from allowing the flow of love thru and within us and is a NO NO for any serious realtionship.

You are not sick for fearing vulnerability - most of us fear that state of love wherein you have no guard against total heartbreak - but that is also a pre-requisite if you want to experience transcendental intimacy.

All or nothing.

If your current fear,control and jealousy stem from past hurt , i recommend an exercise i have posted in Soul unions - its very liberating.

ahhh, control - you'd never think a double cancerian would be controlling , but self-preservation can turn into an obsession.

It takes a LOT of self-discipline to let go of past hurt and let go of control when one is so used to its safety that control becomes a defense mechansim so deep, it feels like it a part of you and eventually you think it IS YOU.

IT IS NOT.

Fear,Control,manipulation from a trinity that are antithetical to Love,Trust and Intimacy.

posted July 03, 2009 06:01 AM         

Either way I can see why that might not have been the best place for you to talk about how you feel.

People have to accept you for what you are - you can't have a personality transplant and anyway, why should you? The only subject under discussion is that when you start behaving like an arsehole they have a right to complain.

This is where astrology comes in - Mars Apex T-Square? You have a potential temper problem. That energy needs channelling. But you aren't going to wake up one morning and be a sweet and gentle person who rarely gets upset over anything. That T-Square is on my chart - it's fair to say I get worked up over things other people wouldn't - that's my emotional reaction to the world. The thing I can change is the amount of control I put on it, this helps limit the amount of damage that my anger can do in the world and can do to me and my relationships.

Then we both have that Moon/Pluto thing, how can we help being persons of strong feeling?

posted July 03, 2009 06:54 AM         

Look at the Mate Sign of Scorpio: Aries. You need to start identifying with Aries. You need to delete the Saturn Fear and embrace Pluto in Aries. Pluto in Aries maketh a man happy all the time. Aries enjoys the chase than holding on to the girls.
Why hold on to one who shall be desperate to hold on to the new you. [Cling on shall we say ? ]

------------------
Soul Mate Love Calculator

posted July 06, 2009 11:11 PM         

I would recommend being exactly how you are.. and feeling exactly how you feel.. the only way you will achieve balance is by letting yourself react exactly how you want to react..

let it be anger, jealousy, etc etc.. the same negative traits lead into a lot of positive traits..

anger -> mars -> great sex
jealousy -> pluto/moon -> security

the list will go on.. it is really both sides of coin that your Libra moon would like you to see and achieve balance..

so my view is.. anytime you feel emotions then feel them exactly as they come..

let others go if they don't understand you or try to label/hurt you..

posted July 06, 2009 11:39 PM         

However, as far as 'coping' mechanisms, all I know is that there's no way to make the feeling go away entirely... I know because I have tried and grappled with the demon my entire life. I don't 'show' my jealousy at all, I hide it (because most of the time I can tell if it's just me being me)... and I channel it artistically.
However, I also look at jealousy in terms of emotional survival: If the twinges of jealousy are going completely out of control internally, that means there's something else going on.
Every single time I've vocalized something I am jealous about, I have been right.
Not just as in he thinks she's hot.
But as in, he wants to screw her.
Or did.
I can smell it.

So I would just feel whatever you need to feel, and learn to differentiate between your jealousies and learn them very, very well. Passion has its ups and downs, 2 sides of the same coin.

posted July 08, 2009 01:36 AM         

For my part, I learned to understand his insecurity and to help him overcome it. He didn't view it as a sickness, but it was definitely an ugly emotion that he didn't have any desire to feel. So - knowing that his insecurity was rooted in mistrust from bad past experiences, I took steps to reassure him and eventually earn his trust. I made sure to communicate my feelings for him and be very open about where I was going, who I was with, etc. This doesn't mean that I stopped hanging around men - on the contrary, I showed my ex that there was no threat and that I am trustworthy.

So maybe you could ask your next partner to do things that would earn your trust?

posted July 08, 2009 03:33 AM         

quote:

---

Be you. Do what you do. I think that's all you can do.

---

???

but it's not him, its FEAR and it's hurting him and makes him extremely unhappy I can't help my fear. I bottle it as tightly as possible and I suffer tremendously. I want love so badly, but love is hell.

I dont think SW asked people to tell him whether he is right or wrong for what he feels, he asked for insights and help and it is obvious he wants to change something about it and become a happier person.

btw, I just re-read my post and realized it sounds paranoid, I was talking about extreme cases of jealousy when the person becomes verbally and physically abusive, so please disregard my post SW, I did not mean to imply you are abusive or psycho. The topic just hit the nerve here.

posted July 08, 2009 03:45 AM         

Maybe you're looking for a security in love that someone just can't give you.

I mean, I don't think that makes you any different to most people. I'd say most people want to walk into a relationship and be loved fully and love that person fully and open themselves up completely and unguarded, without any fear of being hurt at any time.

I don't think the security of not getting hurt is available or possible for anyone. And as you feel afraid of being hurt, who is to say that the person of your affections isn't feeling the same way - and maybe expressing it differently.

I think the jealousy/fear is a symptom. If you felt secure you wouldn't feel it. If you're strong enough inside your self to not let it make you controlling, that says a great deal about you and your strength and awareness of yourself.

There are people with cruel intentions out there, but I think they are few. I really believe most people want love and to be loved.