posted July 21, 2009 09:56 AM         

When I was 18 I was so relieved to leave home and go to university but campus life was difficult too. But maybe I brought it upon myself. I was always complaining to the girls I shared my dorm with about their noise. Then when I shared a house with two different sets of girls I fell out with both of them. The first set never cleaned and the second set never wanted to put on the heater, so I lived in a dirty house that turned into a freezing house. When I left university and moved in with another set of girls, I fell out with them but this time I was the unclean one! They were very pedantic and would go mad if a grain of rice fell onto the carpet.

Now that I’ve been living alone for the past nine years I’ve encountered other problems beyond my control that have threatened my security. In the first house I rented I would have men urinating on my wall and dogs fouling in front of my gate. I can’t tell you how much sh*t I had to clean up! I also had a landlord (who was actually a priest – another story) who would allow workmen to enter my flat without informing me first. I felt so violated. The stress contributed to me developing OCD. Then I moved, and guess what, more sh*t! This time a cat doing its business in the flowerbeds in front of my home. My neighbour this time was an aggressive lonely middle aged man who didn’t want me to touch the flowerbeds (he preferred the sh*t to remain) and refused to communicate with me whenever I tried to reason with him. I moved again and in the home I’ve been living in for the past three years I’ve had to tolerate passing male drunks urinating on my wall. I try to stay happy and to some extent I am settled, but sometimes it’s hard. There are times I daren’t open my windows, which isn’t good because my flat suffers from condensation. But I’m too poor and too scared I’ll make another bad choice to move on.

To me this sounds like a karmic cycle and not just a series of bad choices I’ve made in my life. And the fourth house has a lot to do with it. Natally I’ve got mars, venus, the sun, mercury and uranus there. What do reckon the universe is trying to tell me? When I moved into the first house I lived alone in, I found that my three initials were carved into the stone pavement…very freaky. Coincidence or God?

Do you think I’ll ever find a home I’ll feel happy in or was a troubled home life simply my destiny? Certainly from the moment I landed on this earth, it does seem home was not meant to be where the heart is. I’m a cancer moon and with so many planets in my fourth house when my home is disrupted it turns my world upside down.

And if anyone can shed an astrological light on why I’m always having to tolerate other people/animal’s urine and sh*t and grumpy middle aged men I’d be very grateful. And for some reason, an unconscious one, most of the flats I've lived in, my bedroom faces the street and not the back.

My chart: http://www.astro.com/cgi/showgif.cgi?lang=e&gif=astro_245gw_01_me_2009722.44348.22494.gif&res=100&va=&cid=hfkfilebTPH55-u1213270259

DOB: 22/10/78, London, England, 12:30am

posted July 21, 2009 10:49 AM         

Sorry to learn about your distress and the pain and anxiety you have gone through...

I'd like to study your chart a bit better on that matter, but so far, there are two things that stand out to my eyes:

1) Your huge emphasis on 4th house need for security, "safe harbor" and belonging (personal planets there and cancer moon) is disrupted by Uranus, which as you know, can bring anxiety and restlessness when it's negative side is at stake.

2) You have a cross in your chart involving Mercury/Uranus/AC/DC/Jupiter (expansion) and chiron (wound). Seems like every time you expanded into a new "home", a wound of both safety and respect for your individuality (uranus) was recreated and sometimes, difficulties of ideas and communication (mercury) were at stake.

I think life is trying to create difficult situations in your home/hearth life, in order to try to make you build and unconditional sense of home inside yourself. One which is not dependent upon outside factors. I don't think God brings us these things, because to me, God is Love and Love can help us build what we lack inside if we so wish.

I say search for all things and memories that make you feel anxious (OCD is a need to control one's inner chaos, through outside actions) and try to work them through.

posted July 21, 2009 12:02 PM         

Might I suggest you looking into Feng Sui? I may be spelling that wrong, but it is the chinese art of placement.
If your interested, I can tell you more and give you some cures on how to arrange things in spaces that you cannot structurally change. I have had a modest amount of success with it.

If you do think you are suffering from O.C.D., you may want to look into a therapist or group, because there are some very effective forms of cognitive/behaviour therapy for that condition, and they have a very high success rate.

Anyway, I wish you much luck on your quest, and sincerely hope you can find a way to make peace with your surroundings. Our outer surroundings are sometimes a mirror for our inner thoughts and feelings, so maybe also you could try some excercises with creative visualization.

posted July 22, 2009 09:00 AM         

maybe a completely absurd idea, feel free to dismiss me if you find it inappropriate.

what if you move to a really dirty and lousy city? cities where people are more laid back and you can't walk 10 meters without stepping into dog poo? if you can get used to that, because it's not just to you that these things are happening, and because everyone is so used to it, you will come to not let them bother you as much anymore.

posted July 22, 2009 10:30 AM         

And no, I don't feel safe inside myself. It's tough. This world terrifies me and just reading my future transits makes me want to hide myself in my bedroom until it's safe to come out - pluto square moon, uranus square moon, saturn conjunct uranus - Jeesh! I hope I'll be storng enough to cope. I am currently seeing a counsellor and my safety thing and phobias, which are connected, is stuff we're working on.

posted July 22, 2009 12:03 PM         

but yea, i think it is a good thing that you are talking with a counsellor. things like the initials is freaky, but it may also be a good thing to start feeling secure about your world within, so that you can just shrug at those "signs". being in tune with the psychic realm is important, but also if you let it dictate it, it's not to your advantage.

posted July 22, 2009 01:00 PM         

Your Saturn in the second house of Virgo seems fitting for all this fastidiousness and obsessive compulsive behavior in regards to your property. It squares Neptune in Sag, with Jupiter squaring nearly all your planets in the 4th from the 12th house... no wonder you feel like God has a strong ethereal presence in your home life.

I'd be wary of pointing any fingers at the divine because it sounds almost like your looking for a scapegoat. That is what Saturn tends to do as fear takes hold, point fingers at something else to handle the burden, when really you have the power to take on that responsibility for yourself and own the sh*t (or, lack of sh*t ) out of that Virgo/2nd house Saturn. The issue may not be bad decisions, but your attitude about your decisions.

posted July 23, 2009 02:02 PM         

I was always drawn to Tibet and when I click on the lines there it confirmed what I hope to gain from going to Tibet -- "Personal studies give you a more profound understanding of life...Along this axis, you will find inner peace and quiet."

So I hope this would work for you, moving to an area that corresponds harmoniously with your natals.

posted July 23, 2009 02:37 PM         

your home is an extremely important place for you, and you recognise it, that is one great thing.

you have uranus as part of te stellia mix ~ maybe it shows alot of moving, alot of unsettlement, and weird incidents in your abode.

you need a beautiful home (venus) for a peace of mind (mercury), to rest your spirit (sun) and obtain emotional solace, balance and tranquility (moon). You may also like unconventional types of homes (uranus); but you must specify what type of unusualness. If you dont specify, for instance, adding weird paintings, bohemian setups, you may unconsciously be attracted to external weird happenings. Prob what's happened.

for someone who has experienced what you have, i.e. roomates, bad homes and such, I do know how important a good home is..

I am lucky my neighbourhood now is peaceful; I used to have loud rumblings, roomate not locking the door, bringing strangers in and etc. It's hard to live with others not in sync with our own rhythm.

My best bet, to break the pattern, is to find a diferent type of house you are used to living in. Find one - do your research, in a peaceful neighbourhood, with no one to disturb. If you dont like animals, I suggest a higher rise floor, with a balcony garden.