posted May 27, 2010 03:24 PM         

I just ended a relationship I'd begun with an old ex of mine. I ended it because I finally acknowledged the niggling doubts that had bugged me about it. My 'pattern' has always been to blunder from relationship to relationship, as though I was on some kind of conveyer belt. I have hardly ever been single in my life and have always gone from one to the next, each time hoping this would be 'the one.' No more. Suddenly I couldn't lie to myself anymore. Whilst I do love this man I just don't love him enough to blunder into yet another relationship that I have reservations about - reservations which in the past (in the grip of my 'pattern') I would have buried and ignored as best I could because he said beautiful things and made me feel loved. Well I want him to feel loved too and I don't want to lie. So I've done what I truly hope is the right thing and ended it.

In doing so I feel sad it's true (hence the sad face I chose for the post) because I don't think there can be a friendship between us and I know he'll be deeply hurt. But I also feel free and I feel like it's perhaps my turn not to have to apologise for seeking that freedom.