posted August 29, 2010 09:42 PM            

Punctuality of each Sign

Aries: You are either 30 minutes early, raring to go, and incandescent that everyone else is late, or you turn up four days later at a different venue and are outraged that the expedition went without you.

Taurus: You are never late; you have never been late; you will never be late. People in Switzerland set their clocks by you, train companies call you for advice. Strangely, everyone else is always late meeting you.

Gemini: You're rarely late (you'd hate to miss any good pickings), but never stay long since you are usually on your way to somewhere else that you think might be more interesting, or stuffed with classier celebs.

Cancer: You are never on time for anything; who'd want to see you? Who'd even notice you weren't there? Plus, it's a classic way to control the event without appearing to— passive-agressive or what?

Leo: There must be some mistake. Of course you are never late. How could you be? No event would ever start until you and your entourage arrive, surely? If it did, you'd flounce off right away and have it canceled.

Virgo: You are never, ever late; or early, for that matter. You are always exactly on time—it's not difficult. If only they'd let you run the world, you'd make sure that DBL (Deliberately Being Late) was a federal offense.

Libra: You're always late because you take so long to decide what to wear (and to tear yourself away from the mirror), but look so gorgeous, and are so limpidly, charmingly abject when you do show, that you are forgiven.

Scorpio: Scorpios are never late. It's tactically unsound. You like to get there a bit early so that you can observe your victim arrive; then you calculate an angle of approach that ensures the sun shines directly into their eyes.

Sagittarius: Never knowingly on time; you are either four hours late, and covered in scorch marks, two days late because you fought the law and the law won, or you don't show up at all because you are nude bob-sleighing.

Capricorn: You always arrive 30 minutes early, to impress important people and make underlings feel insecure, unless the inner goat has seized control, when you won't turn up at all because you are busy corrupting innocents.

Aquarius: You refuse to follow anyone else's agenda, so never turn up on time, or even on day. People blame it on your legendary but suspect absentmindedness, but you know it's your way of controlling the situation.

posted August 29, 2010 09:46 PM            

Aries: C+
Think about it, b*tching demands subtlety & finessse, neither of which your Bad Fairy Godmother left in your cradle. If you want to say something nasty about someone, you don't sneak around; you just open your mouth and blast away. Refreshing, in a strange way.

Taurus: C+
Others think this is because you are naturally kind and charitable, but they are wrong; it's not that you don't want to b*tch, you're just too slow-witted to really make an impact. When you do try, you make dull, painful remarks about other people's lack of fashion sense or money.

Gemini: A++
We bow to the zodiac's B*tch Queen. Your lightning rapier zigzags with such sparkling wit and style that many b*tches don't notice they've been slashed for at least three weeks; and your apologies are always so transparently heartfelt and sincere.

Cancer: B+
For someone who likes to present as the caring queen, you are a mistress of the snappy put-down (you sit at home in your shell, practicing). You usually spoil the effect by muttering your pearls of acid wit under your breath as the b*tchee departs, and then groveling immediately.

Leo: B++
Why b*tch? You are the king. You know that magnanimous praise—she does so well with what little she's got—can inflict just as much collateral damage as upfront abuse; but of course when you do condescend to go in for catty remarks, they are always big catty remarks.

Virgo: A+
Not quite in Gemini's class, but a worthy silver medallist. Premier cru spite is let down by lumpy delivery; even slow b*tchees can't fail to get the point and are liable to deck you, especially if they are Aries; the trick is to slash and run, but you always stick around to make sure the finer points have been rammed home.

Libra: A+ or D
Depends on where you're standing, really. You'd never dream of saying anything nasty to anyone's face (they might slap you and leave an ugly mark). Instead, you whisper poisonous remarks behind your fan or victim's back, about their bad hair or unsightly shoes.

Scorpio: A+
People are so frightened of you that you don't have to bother much, but what's the point of a sting in the tail if you don't use it? You study the psychology of the individual, can pinpoint all those tectonic weaknesses where reality meets ego and self-loathing runs near the surface; that's where you make your surgical strikes.

Sagittarius: D-
But it's difficult: you don't b*tch within the meaning of the term, but what you lack in subtlety and finesse you make up for in crudity and bluntness, blurting out jaw-dropping rude remarks "without thinking" (oh yeah?), so the end result is still someone sobbing in the restroom.

Capricorn: B++
You don't really have the spontaneity to b*tch, since it is undignified, but you write excoriating emails and sharply worded letters to the more respected newspapers when you feel your status is being impugned. Your inner goat has no such scruples, however, especially after a few cups of black wine.

Aquarius: A--
Theoretically a high-ranker, but you don't bother much because, for a smart one-liner king like you, it's just shooting fish in a very small barrel; but if you find a worthy foe, and there is an appreciative audience on hand, you come on like Cyrano de Bergerac and pulp their ego to mush with vicious sarcasm.

posted August 29, 2010 09:57 PM            

quote:

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Scorpio: Scorpios are never late. It's tactically unsound. You like to get there a bit early so that you can observe your victim arrive; then you calculate an angle of approach that ensures the sun shines directly into their eyes.

Sagittarius: Never knowingly on time; you are either four hours late, and covered in scorch marks, two days late because you fought the law and the law won, or you don't show up at all because you are nude bob-sleighing.

Aquarius: You refuse to follow anyone else's agenda, so never turn up on time, or even on day. People blame it on your legendary but suspect absentmindedness, but you know it's your way of controlling the situation.

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posted August 29, 2010 10:34 PM            

It's really true

quote:

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Think about it, b*tching demands subtlety & finessse, neither of which your Bad Fairy Godmother left in your cradle.

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I'm so proud of this lol! She's the best fairy

quote:

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If you want to say something nasty about someone, you don't sneak around; you just open your mouth and blast away. Refreshing, in a strange way.

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posted August 30, 2010 06:45 AM            

quote:

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or you turn up four days later at a different venue and are outraged that the expedition went without you.

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posted August 30, 2010 08:50 AM            

My DSC is Aries, Dy-na, so I understand lol.

Amowls! Me too, I bought this book at the beginning of the year, along with "The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need" by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, my mind was blown lol, all I knew about was Sun signs before.

posted June 12, 2011 02:35 AM            

Virgo: You are never, ever late; or early, for that matter. You are always exactly on time—it's not difficult. If only they'd let you run the world, you'd make sure that DBL (Deliberately Being Late) was a federal offense.

Gemini: You're rarely late (you'd hate to miss any good pickings), but never stay long since you are usually on your way to somewhere else that you think might be more interesting, or stuffed with classier celebs.

Cancer: You are never on time for anything; who'd want to see you? Who'd even notice you weren't there? Plus, it's a classic way to control the event without appearing to— passive-agressive or what?

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Scorpio sun
Virgo moon
Gemini 29'

These are funny.

Though, they're all wrong.

I'm always late, even when I try to be on time.

I figure that maybe my ascendant being at 29' gemini gives me some strong cancer rising traits. (???) or maybe my Pisces MC???