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Author
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Topic: Unconscious partner picking
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Aya_and_baby
Knowflake Posts: 623
From: Space (and sometimes Antwerp)
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted May 25, 2011 05:21 PM
  
This might have been discussed before, in which case my apologies... Also my apologies for the cryptic title, so let me explain:Today I was discussing my love life with a good friend. I came to the conclusion that a lot of people fall for the same type of person and do this very unconsciously, to confirm the stereotype of the opposite sex as they have learned it, but also to enable certain behaviour or state of mind within themselves. So my question to all of you is: what type of person do you find yourself falling for time and time again, what are the specific characteristics of the type and what kind of behaviour does that enable in yourself? Last, but not least, how do you percieve your "partner picking" in your chart and does it add up with what happens in real life?
As an example to my friend, I had him imagine a woman who has a low self-esteem. She finds herself always attracted to macho men who bring her self-esteem down even more. Those relationships might not last because, for example, the man calls it of. And she is left with a low self-esteem and the idea that, because every man she has dated thusfar was a macho, that no doubt all men must be like that.
In my case I tend to go for mentally unstable men. Often you don't even notice it at first but once you get to know them, you start realising just how unstable they are. Very masochistic of myself, because in reality I cannot deal with someone who is mentally unstable and pretty much changes his mind every 24 seconds. Of course, those relationships often don't last too long either - the longest having a record of 4 years of which I already regretted 3.5...
Now, long story short, it got me thinking of exactly how that kind of "game" (because it is in essence a "game" that partners play, albeit unconsciously) would be shown in the natal's chart.
For a woman there's the traditional mars-7th house-juno combination, and often venus to show what a woman can be like in a relationship. But, even though the examples I gave (even my own) are kind of general and vague, they contain some specific information which would lead me to think of other places in the chart too. For example, my situation is always that I seem to exhibit some sort of Florence Nightingale-syndrome. I feel sorry for the man (even when I'm far from realising the extent of his mental instability) and take it on me to nurse him to "health" (inasfar that can be done with chronical mental diseases, of course... ). So picking a mentally unstable man pretty much enables me to become someone's nurse. That screams 6th house to me, yet there is no connection between mars, 7th house, its inhabiting planets and my 6th house ruler. However, I have moon in the 7th conjunct chiron. Chiron there does suggest that I would have a partner who could be disabled - it being in Gemini could suggest mental "disability", perhaps? (Not those mentally disabled!  ) Or its conjunct to moon could suggest emotional disability? Anyway, I could go on and on trying to decode my partner picking habits in my chart, it all comes down to one thing: the type of man that I always seem to fall for, is not the type of man that is described through my Capricorn Mars in 2nd house! So let's hear yours! 
(I hope I haven't confused too many people, I tend to do that when I start thinking about theories like these)
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lunatic
Knowflake Posts: 236
From:
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted May 25, 2011 08:01 PM
Aya baby, you would love me! See my name?  I think pisces in a chart would give that also, like if your venus is in pisces you 'd love to rescue someone who looks like a victim to you.
Anyway, it seems like I am attracted to people that challenge me a nd I cannot have a peaceful easygoing relationship 
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Aya_and_baby
Knowflake Posts: 623
From: Space (and sometimes Antwerp)
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted May 26, 2011 05:48 AM
LOL! I do tend to stay away from people who admit being unstable from the start most of the men I fell for, only showed their extent of instability after a few months, when it was too late for me to say "no thank you"  I would think pisces in a chart linked to romance would enable someone to be the victim rather than to nurse one, but I haven't looked into it in practice. I know my own chart but it has hardly any pisces in it that is significant and the only piscean influence that I have is neptune conjunct venus and sun in 12th... It would be interesting to look into that Challenge... Sounds typically Aries to me, am I right? ------------------
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RunAroundScreaming
Knowflake Posts: 770
From: USA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted May 26, 2011 11:39 AM
I personally feel all this stuff that psychologists spit out is a buncha hooey. Astrology says that we pick people according to our descendent. My DC is in aries, being as how I'm a libra ASC, so that means I look for people (in both friendship and love) who are charming and assertive go-getters because that kind of attitude will rub off on passive old me.If you only find out later that this person is so-called "mentally unstable" which I don't even know what that means...does that mean they're evil and/or slightly schizophrenic? Pwaha. I dunno. Shrugs. but, What I'm saying is, if you find out later that they're cuckoo, then it's not your fault. There's no way to tell if someone is crazy or not...a lot of people are not what they seem. If you find yourself trying to help them it just means you are trying to be a good friend and not desert that person when they're down. I don't believe that baloney that most people have low self-esteem so they keep choosing certain partners. The only pattern I've noticed is what astrology says about our descendent. Oh, and that I tend to fall for people who I gave sun conjunct jupiter, sun conjunct or opp venus, or sun square pluto with in the composite. But these people have been very different. always nice guys and sweethearts, but different all accross the board. Some very shy, some very outgoing. Though I was much HaPpier around the ones with strong aries traits like fun-loving and high energy and liking the outdoors. Overall, I think we choose people who enhance us. People need to stop spreading this stuff that we do stuff that isn't good for us. It's quite the opposite. It's not that dramatic. If you're living a superficial unhealthy lifestyle such as one with promiscuity, drugs, and college dropouts, you're gonna be around people who don't have the greatest habits to begin with. I think that it's quite the opposite. Almost everyone is trying to do the best they can and everyone is looking for love and happiness, and will choose people who are good for them in some way. If later they find out that person was not how they seemed, is that really their fault? No one is a mind reader. IP: Logged |
Aya_and_baby
Knowflake Posts: 623
From: Space (and sometimes Antwerp)
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted May 26, 2011 07:22 PM
Well, you do pick up on behaviour subconsciously, which can influence your decision to start a relationship. I think that is what I pick up on.I wish I could elaborate further but will have to do that on the computer (I'm on phone now) so I can re-read your reply, RunAround. It's very interesting Will get back to it tomorrow, I promise! I can tell you this though: the man I'm currently "seeing" (which is a big word since we're supposed to be just friends, but he pretty much started me thinking about this) is mentally unstable in the sense that he can react very erratic and emotional, he is prone to depression and has psychotic breaks due to chronic cannabis abuse. My ex is an alcohol abuser and he exhibited typical symptoms of bi-polar disorder, including psychotic breaks. Sometimes I even thought he was schizophrenic, but that could have been the drink. This seems to be a recurring theme since the man I was seeing before him seemed to have psychoses as well and was blatantly paranoid - I expect, again due to chronic drug abuse. Also the fact that all three were addicts to something, an addiction often suggests a deeper underlying issue or disorder. Before them, most of the guys I met were pretty normal - never really serious and when it did get serious I sabotaged the relationship myself (I'm commitment phobic). I have been with the occasional insanely jealous wife beater but in retrospect, that ex wasn't mentally unstable. He just couldn't deal with the fact that I'm flirty by nature. Some people just can't deal with that - funnily enough, that man had half his chart including his sun in Sagittarius and boy was he posessive! Of course his Taurus rising and overflowing 8th house probably didn't help! And then there's this one situation with an ex where it felt like I was going insane, but that is an entirely different story. Has something to do with ghosts and predictive dreams, so nothing of interest for this thread ------------------
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RunAroundScreaming
Knowflake Posts: 770
From: USA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted May 27, 2011 06:26 AM
Thank you for writing back such a long reply and for saying what I had to say was interesting This is an interesting topic I feel like there are just some people you connect really well with, and if they happened to turn out to be alcohol or drug abusers, well lesson learned. You now know that in the future these people will be a little cuckoo and now you probably avoid drug abusers like the plague. No big deal, right? Lesson learned. I feel that the reason why you picked these two guys does not have to do with the fact that they were mentally unstable, but rather for a good reason, since like I said, everyone wants love for themselves. You probably thought they were very good people for one reason or another. I doubt it was ONLY because you felt bad and wanted to help them. They had to have some big redeeming quality in your eyes, you know? The abuser guy....sounds like you're kind of excusing his behavior lol. No, the regular guy will not hit you, no matter how much you flirt. Instead, they'll just break up with you and walk away . But it's normal for you to think that way, since you feel guilty about your behavior and with anyone whose been beaten, raped, been a victim somehow, let somebody else die when they feel they couldve saved them somehow in some way, -------most people react the same way to this: they blame themselves and feel like they caused it or deserved it in some way. So, see, you don't have low self-esteem. I think people lower their self-esteem by listening to these crazy self-help books that tellthem they need to fix themselves because they have low self-esteem and thus need to buy their book so they can become this perfect human being. Dont you see? IP: Logged |
RunAroundScreaming
Knowflake Posts: 770
From: USA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted May 27, 2011 06:31 AM
You probably also had a good reason for being commitment phobic to those guys. You desrcibe them as pretty normal, right? Well, if i think about it, anyone who i might describe that way from my past ...I actually think is really boring. No one wants people to be "normal" around them. They want someone who has inspired them.
When people are "normal" they're not being themselves, because everyone is a little quirky deep down, and people are happiest when being allowed to express these quirks.Maybe that's not at all what you meant though. Either way
hope i made some sense lol. Who wants someone who is so normal that they don't have some quality that makes them a true individual, you know? Something they do that says "**** you, i'm being myself today." you know? Lol. and inspires other people to be a little truer to themselves as well. Just what i think IP: Logged |
Aya_and_baby
Knowflake Posts: 623
From: Space (and sometimes Antwerp)
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted May 27, 2011 08:36 AM
Hah! I'm on the PC now!  Anyway, what I wanted to say about your post, if you don't mind me saying that is (since you seem to not be very trusting of psychological babble ) that it sounds like your choice for picking Aries-like men (assertive go-getters) exactly because you're more passive. I think it has more to do with you being more passive than with your Aries DC, to be honest... I don't only look at the DC, but also at the planets in 7th, the DC ruler (to an extent), the houses which are ruled by the planets in 7th house, and Venus, Mars and Juno. It does give more insight than just my DC because, true enough, my Gemini DC suggests I want an intellectual partner who is social and *not* quiet, but there is also so much more that I want from a partner which can't be explained by the DC alone. Or, like I mentioned above, types of partners that I'm attracted to... although "mentally unstable" could be a Gemini-topic
As for my exes: the alcoholic I know for a fact that I was really just looking for someone to be with, and I had to choose between him and the drug addict (which was the worst choice due to his habits and the fact that he wasn't the most faithful of people) so I picked the lesser evil. I also really started off with the idea that I could help him get off his addiction. I never really saw much good in him to be honest. Right now, I can't see anything good in him, but that's probably more thanks to what he did to me over the years. From that relationship I definitely learned that starting a relationship with addicts with underlying issues, only so you wouldn't be alone, is a big no-no...
I also believe that you learn lessons from every relationship you find yourself getting into. I don't spend much time crying over an ended relationship, rather more time figuring out what went wrong so I don't repeat it anymore by going out with a man similar in behaviour or when it's my fault, not to do it again. That being said I can't change my flirty attitude, so I'm probably better off looking for a man who doesn't get insanely jealous and thinks I'd go off with every man I flirt with, because I just can't change that attitude. I've tried. I was actually making excuses for the violent ex, because he is generally a good guy. He does have anger management issues though. Or had them, at least. Anyway, I've traced back the reason why I am a commitment phobe. For years it was a mystery to me and I thought it was my 1st house Uranus, until I realised that my brother has the same problem and he has nothing in his chart that says: "you're very independent and probably commitment phobic". Eventually I found out that my parents often dropped us off with family for days on end because they "had to work" (I've got my own opinion about that, because it's not that hard to combine work and children, especially at the evening times, I think my mother, often being alone at night, just couldn't cope with raising two children) which caused my brother and myself never to be able to bond with our mother, which often causes fear of commitment in people in their later life, because they have never learned how to bond with someone and the thought alone terrifies them. I must admit, that fear is worse in me than it is in my brother. ------------------
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RunAroundScreaming
Knowflake Posts: 770
From: USA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted May 27, 2011 05:55 PM
Well, there you go then. If you were just looking for someone to be with, yeah you're gonna get hurt eventually even if he is an alcoholic or not. Just my opinion. Yeah, of course That's what I was saying, I have the most fun with aries-like people because they have so much to teach me since I am so passive, I do think that libra risers are passive, though. Even if some may not appear to be passive, they are much too accomodating sometimes. Too much for our own good. So we learn a lot from these go-getter people about how to be more clear in our identity and in the boundaries we set for others.I actually want to be a psychologist myself. I think psychologists think they know everything, so don't worry these are just my opinions and i'll probably change them eventually as i usually do lol. I'm just giving food for thought I'm just saying there's no reason to label urself as someone with low self-esteem. That just makes u feel bad about urself. Most people are more normal than they perceive themselves to be. All I'm really saying. IP: Logged |
Aya_and_baby
Knowflake Posts: 623
From: Space (and sometimes Antwerp)
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted May 27, 2011 06:09 PM
Well I do have a low self-esteem (Saturn conjunct Sun, a true blessing  ) but I have noticed that I don't tend to bring that into relationships, as I'm usually the "carer" there and have to at least seem strong.The self-esteem thing was really just a general example It just so happens that I do suffer from it a bit, but I usually don't see it as a very prominent part of my personality... And you're right, quite a few psychologists think they know everything. I've been misdiagnosed a few times that way. But psychology is still an interesting subject  ------------------
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RunAroundScreaming
Knowflake Posts: 770
From: USA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted May 28, 2011 04:13 AM
Lol I like the sarcasm "Quite a blessing." haha. I have sun opposite Saturn and a Cancer sun, Leo moon and libra rising. That means I'm pretty sensitive. But I like myself . So I guess I don't have low self-esteem. I dunno some days I feel I do and others I don't lol.About the psychologists knowing everything thing---exactly! That's why they misdiagnose ppl so much...grrrr. Lol. I guess it's inevitable, though. I'm sure as a psychologist I will misdiagnose my share of ppl too lol. But I hate the whole "let's look at root cause in your childhood of your problem today" thing they do. The thing is that even if you know what in your childhood makes youact that way today, it doesn't fix it. Now you know why, but you still can't change it. In my experience, solutions to things rarely involved things that developed in my childhood. Rather, they involved things I could change today, as an independent adult, with my own way of thinking that is separate from that of my parents. IP: Logged |
tenny22
Newflake Posts: 7
From:
Registered: May 2011
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posted May 28, 2011 10:42 AM
I used to gravitate towards very lively and outgoing people, and they turned out to be very deceitful, etc. Then I tried a totally different type of person... that didn't fare well either. Blindfold off and feelers off, I'm just meeting people now and taking my time to decide - yea me!IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 10079
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted May 28, 2011 10:44 AM
I think we pick someone based on our past. If you had a bad past,you are in trouble cuz you are gonna relive in in your partners.
What to do?
I really don't know  ------------------
"Enlightenment doesn't result from sitting around visualizing images of light, but from integrating the darker aspects of the self into the conscious personality
Jung
He who controls his Spirit is greater than he who controls a city
Proverbs IP: Logged |
RunAroundScreaming
Knowflake Posts: 770
From: USA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted May 28, 2011 11:36 AM
Tenny ---- I love your post! IP: Logged |
foxyvilla
Knowflake Posts: 39
From:
Registered: Jan 2010
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posted May 28, 2011 12:12 PM
l seem to attract needy people. Venus in pisces. My last boyfriend depended on me for everything. l hope l don't make the same mistake twice.IP: Logged |
lunatic
Knowflake Posts: 236
From:
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted May 30, 2011 12:50 AM
quote:
Originally posted by foxyvilla:
l seem to attract needy people. Venus in pisces. My last boyfriend depended on me for everything. l hope l don't make the same mistake twice.
I am attracted to this girl who has Venus in Pisces and I am needy, but I have Moon in Virgo and I love to take care of someone who needs me. IP: Logged |
RunAroundScreaming
Knowflake Posts: 770
From: USA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted May 30, 2011 04:06 AM
I would say I'm needy. I love being taken care of. And then just giving unconditional love in return. I think that's the way Cancer rolls, yo.Homie G slice (i think i said that wrong. Haha) but anywhoz MAYBE that's why I'm attracted to virgo mooners so much! Sheesh. Finally an answerrrr IP: Logged |
RunAroundScreaming
Knowflake Posts: 770
From: USA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted May 30, 2011 04:06 AM
I would say I'm needy. I love being taken care of. And then just giving unconditional love in return. I think that's the way Cancer rolls, yo.Homie G slice (i think i said that wrong. Haha) but anywhoz MAYBE that's why I'm attracted to virgo mooners so much! Sheesh. Finally an answerrrr IP: Logged |
kama
Knowflake Posts: 51
From:
Registered: Jul 2010
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posted May 30, 2011 09:21 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Aya_and_baby:
Well I do have a low self-esteem (Saturn conjunct Sun, a true blessing ) but I have noticed that I don't tend to bring that into relationships, as I'm usually the "carer" there and have to at least seem strong.The self-esteem thing was really just a general example It just so happens that I do suffer from it a bit, but I usually don't see it as a very prominent part of my personality... And you're right, quite a few psychologists think they know everything. I've been misdiagnosed a few times that way. But psychology is still an interesting subject
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kama
Knowflake Posts: 51
From:
Registered: Jul 2010
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posted May 30, 2011 09:26 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Aya_and_baby:
Well I do have a low self-esteem (Saturn conjunct Sun, a true blessing ) but I have noticed that I don't tend to bring that into relationships, as I'm usually the "carer" there and have to at least seem strong.The self-esteem thing was really just a general example It just so happens that I do suffer from it a bit, but I usually don't see it as a very prominent part of my personality... And you're right, quite a few psychologists think they know everything. I've been misdiagnosed a few times that way. But psychology is still an interesting subject
Dear Aya,
I think you are giving yourself the answer: maybe the reason for codependent partners lies in your low self esteem - with them you feel in power, as an authority (sun/saturn).
If you could work on that issue, the quality of your partners will change: you will be able to commit on a level of equality without fear of getting oppressed by somebody who is not weaker than you.
All the best
kama IP: Logged |
kama
Knowflake Posts: 51
From:
Registered: Jul 2010
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posted May 30, 2011 09:30 AM
quote:
Originally posted by foxyvilla:
l seem to attract needy people. Venus in pisces. My last boyfriend depended on me for everything. l hope l don't make the same mistake twice.
Dear foxyvilla,
attracting needy people means that you are in charge - and in a position of power.
Of course that is not rewarding since your partner is not in an equal position (libra/venus!)
IN gaining more maturity and secutity you will attract other people: musicians, painters, doctosr, healers, beautiful people etc (venus pisces)
all the best
kama IP: Logged |
sand
Knowflake Posts: 31
From:
Registered: May 2011
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posted May 30, 2011 02:52 PM
i like radiance in a partner. i know it sounds vague or something shiseido would carry lol! but it's true. IP: Logged |
Aya_and_baby
Knowflake Posts: 623
From: Space (and sometimes Antwerp)
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted May 30, 2011 02:56 PM
Thank you kama, that was very sweet of you to say (sounds weird, but I find it sweet that you take your time to tell me this )
I wasn't expecting such answers to come out of this thread, but it's always nice that they do! 
@Sand: LOL!!! I can just imagine it: "I like this shiseido product on my partner" *blinding smile, showing off eye shadow*
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SunCrab
Newflake Posts: 14
From:
Registered: Feb 2011
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posted May 30, 2011 07:09 PM
Time and time again, I attract Sun Aquas into my life. I have no idea why. We are supposed to be one of the most astrologically incompatible matches for love-relationships. Because of this and the way this pattern has repeated in my life, I have learned to be very careful with the way I handle these. I don't let myself become too emotionally attached to these Aquas.Me: Cancer Sun, Capricorn Rising.
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SunCrab
Newflake Posts: 14
From:
Registered: Feb 2011
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posted May 30, 2011 07:11 PM
Time and time again, I attract Sun Aquas into my life. I have no idea why. We are supposed to be one of the most astrologically incompatible matches for love-relationships. Because of this and the way this pattern has repeated in my life, I have learned to be very careful with the way I handle these. I don't let myself become too emotionally attached to these Aquas.Me: Cancer Sun, Capricorn Rising.
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