posted July 14, 2011 11:07 PM            

Aries – breathing is a huge turn on. Movement is not necessary, but considered a bonus. The ability to speak is a 50/50: Laughs at jokes and supports the Aries's opinion/Yes; Talks about boring stuff and reacts sensitively to roughhousing/No.

Taurus – Be pretty and willing to do whatever the Taurus wants. If the Taurus asks you what you want to do, respond with 1 of the 5 things you know they enjoy. They will appreciate how well the two of you get along as well as your company's complement to their filet mignon.

Gemini – Every time the Gemini stops to breathe say “Why?”, “What made you think that?”, or “I never thought of it like that”. Occasionally adding, “That B***h !” when appropriate, gains you bonus points. Do not miss their calls, texts, tweets, facebook messages, punch lines, or witty comments for longer than 3 seconds (or anything that could indicate you are ignoring them). Too many lost communications could result in you being labeled as “Boring”. Also do not act too invested or involved, there is nothing more annoying than clingy people.

Cancer – Be observant. If they are talking about their favorite teddy bear and a sad song comes on the radio, be ready to grab the tissue you stuffed in your pocket before coming over. If the bartender serves them an appletini instead of a cran-appletini, noticeably mention, “Didn't you order a CRAN-appletini?”. The Cancer will praise you for paying attention, not knowing you did it to avoid an evening of appletini induced anger.

Leo – Complement complement complement. Comment on how long it's been since you had such a great <fill in the blank>! Every month ask them what cute thing they did to their hair (even if they didn't change it). Remind them how super cute their accessories are with their new shirt. And for Leo women... well a bit similar, but with more alcohol involved.

Virgo – Walk up to them, look in the direction of someone else and say, “What is She wearing?”. You will become fast friends. PS: Never ask them what they are wearing. After you have been friends for a while you are welcome to lean in and point out a spec of lint on their pants, they will be appreciative of your support in helping them maintain a fastidious lifestyle.

Libra – Smile at them, they will feel included and interested. Once they talk prepare to nod, smile, nod; nod, smile, nod in that order. Your effort to respond to whatever the hell they are going on about (their new band, their connections in the art world, their new job as a back up dancer for Morrissey) will leave them satisfied with your friendship.

Scorpio – Be observent for your own safety. If they are scowling or brooding, you are okay; if they are smiling, get the hell out fast! Your best bet for friendship is to bring alcohol. They will respect your interest in fermented things as well as your obvious desire to get them liquored up. Never question their reality and if a conversation ends with them saying, “That's fine”, move to another state and assume a new identity.

Sagittarius – When you first meet them, ask them if they want to go somewhere with you, then take them to the first random place you can think of (outside, the other side of the room, etc...). After you have changed locations say, “You seemed interesting, tell me about you”. After the ice has broken there is only one thing to remember, Laugh. If they tell you their latest joke, laugh. If they tell you about their latest political or philosophical theory, laugh. If they tell you their grandpa died, laugh. It's the appropriate response to outside stimuli, and it's what they would do if you told them your grandpa was dead. If you get bored, you can always dare them to do something stupid. You will get some entertainment, and they are sure to call you once they get out of the hospital.

Capricorn – Talk shop. Find out what they do and ask them to tell you all about it. By the end of the night you will have a certification in user manual design. If you go out, bring your own money and try not to have too many personal problems. Fiscal responsibility and a safe personality are indicators that if you fell in a ditch, you could find your way out (and they would still be able to make their 5:00 appointment).

Aquarius – Talk about the shared evolutionary ancestor of the unicorn and the narwhal. Talk about fringe science. Refrain from emotionally charged conversation, or conversation about horribly mundane topics, or conversations about anything that has realistic value. Pretend all past experiences never happened, especially ones that ended negatively. This shows you know how to move on and that you have no interest in watching the Aquarius suffer a complete psychotic episode...Enjoy!

Pisces – Be in a good mood. Don't bring negativity around a Pisces or they will eat it and convince their self they are absolving you of your sins. No matter what they do, don't leave. They were there for you when you told them about the tampon machine not working in the ladies bathroom. How dare you abandon them for another bathroom break, especially in the middle of their two hour rant about their cat's widdow nosie? Also, when they start attempting to manipulate you, go along with it and pretend the universe must be pulling you in the direction they are pointing. This indicates you are both in agreement that they are God. If they go away on their own, you are expected to follow. Now is a great opportunity to slip out for a “cigarette” and drive home.

posted July 15, 2011 12:21 AM            

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Leo – Complement complement complement. Comment on how long it's been since you had such a great <fill in the blank>! Every month ask them what cute thing they did to their hair (even if they didn't change it). Remind them how super cute their accessories are with their new shirt. And for Leo women... well a bit similar, but with more alcohol involved.

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posted July 15, 2011 12:22 AM            

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Here's mine:

Aries - Do something completely nuts that wows everyone in the room.

Taurus - This can take some time. Start with saying 'hello' every day for 2 weeks.. then move on to something like "hello.. how are you?".

Gemini - Exist! Breathe! (continue..)

Cancer - Go slower than you did with Taurus. Try to be around Cancer's general area for months, so that they get used to you and you seem familiar. If they ever look upset.. offer chocolate!

Leo -
Worship them and you will be a - friend.
Get more people to worship them - and you will be a very 'good' friend.

If all else fails, pretend you do not notice them and be a complete bit*ch - Leo will propose!
(warning: this only works with good looking women. If you are a man, he will punch you.)

Virgo - Talk about politics, the economy, the stock market and everything else you've read in the morning newspaper.
If you don't read the morning newspaper - start now.

Libra - Look pretty and shiny and pink. Smile. Wave. Tell Libra how beautiful they are today.

Scorpio - Stare. Never look away.

Sagittarius - Pretend you have tourette syndrome and start swearing at random people. Make it funny, not cruel!
By the end of the night - you won't just have one Sag friend. You'll have an entire gathering.

Capricorn - Make sure you are dressed nicely, you smell good, you have NO food stuck in your teeth and that you are in a nut shell - presentable. Then watch a video re: "meeting the queen of england" and follow the protocol.

Aquarius - If you don't already have enough Aquarius friends.. there is something wrong with you and you should consider therapy for whatever anti-social affliction you are riddled with.

posted July 15, 2011 12:29 AM            

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Pisces - Mimic the movements of a fish in a bowl.. First you stare at Pisces.. When Pisces "taps on your bowl".. you immediately run away to the furthest point of the room.
This convinces Pisces that it is safe to be friends with you, because you are even more paranoid than they are.

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posted July 15, 2011 12:40 AM            

AstroMan - Was that for Leo or for Scorpio?

posted July 16, 2011 01:00 AM            

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Aquarius – Talk about the shared evolutionary ancestor of the unicorn and the narwhal.[/B]

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posted July 16, 2011 01:39 AM            

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Aquarius – Talk about the shared evolutionary ancestor of the unicorn and the narwhal.[/B]

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posted July 16, 2011 05:22 AM            

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Originally posted by freebrainstorms:
I'm an Aquarius and you had me at the first line...

I have SOOO had that discussion.

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posted July 16, 2011 03:00 PM            

Here's my take:

Aries- be happy often, always be ready for action, and make lots of jokes.

Taurus - I agree, be pretty. Be strong, show that you are a good person above all, and encourage them often.

Gemini - just show as much enthusiasm for life as they do, but be strong and independent, and more engaging and personable than they are. Also, show passion and lots of energy, and avoid disharmony and arrogance. Also be a thinker and be smart!

Cancer - show that you think really carefully about life and are really big on self-improvement. Always be willing to make any moment more special, fun, and exciting than the one before it. And u have to love breaking people out of their shells, cancers love that.

Leo - treat them like a king or queen, show lots of loyalty, but never ever ever ever EVER! Criticize them. And never state your needs, or have a different opinion, that's seen as being demanding and childish.

Virgo - they think about life deeply so, do that as well. I honestly dont know what the hell virgos want. Dont really get them.

Libra - be sweet, and make clever jokes, be fun and happy, be as dedicated to the friendship as they are, but above all be smart, educated, sophisticated, and brainy. They are extremely self-conscious about social proprieties, and about your level of intelligence.

Scorpio - show that u think deeply about things and arent superficial. Dont just blurt out whatever because they are sensitive though they definitely dont seem that way, dont believe that they are easygoing ever. They are overanalyzing everything in their head all the time. They can be kinda selfish so watch out. Be honest above all, they hate liars. Dont be an attention-***** , be a loner.

Sag - sags are usually on a quest for bigger and better things so, showing good social skills and caring about ur image is important. An ability to laugh at life and be spontaneous is also very important. Sag wants to feel free and uninhibited, so being shy and hard to get to know is probably a no-no.

Cap - well, caps will try to like you for who you are. Dont force them too much to talk about their emotions. Keep things light and frivolous but show that u think deeply about things at the same time. Caps are usually depressed so they need someone who lightens them up. Be parental...talk about how things should be and the right way to do things. Be conservative, also. Be soft and like putty in their hands: they are drawn to people who will soften their rough earth.