posted November 07, 2011 02:11 AM            

The thing is, I am deeply appreciative towards anyone that pours their heart out to me- of course it has to be someone I care for - but, I feel ashamed and later on beat myself up afterwards because I think about how I acted/behaved in that given moment. I'm not really good at *showing* things I guess.. I take a long time and I usually put a lot of thought and effort into doing things for people that I deem sentimental.

I got into astrology because I was at a time in my life where I needed some kind of motivation of indication towards myself and my inner self I was tired of being detached from everything all the time. I am still learning... but this stuff and relationships is something I continue to have trouble with. I always mess things up... I have a lot of feelings, a lot of depth there but it's not accessible to me. Not on the spot especially. So when I'm in these situations I tend to f*ck it up because of this reason. I'm beginning to think something is wrong with me. Do you guys think I have some kind of mental illness or something? Maybe that just makes me really terrible and unable to relate to others on the spot? Anything looking at my chart.? I want to change so bad ... but I can't help it.. wtf are you supposed to say to anyone that comes at you with all these heavy feelings? Seriously anything in my chart, aspergers maybe (lol my doc never mentioned a spectrum disorder but I'm just wondering here..) I don't feel comfortable expressing myself "emotionally" when my boyfriend does it, I am in awe at the same time annoyed, I think "Why can he do and say things but not me?" I honestly feel like he's more feminine then me.. I try to show people I care about that I care by being there or doing things for them. But it doesn't seem/feel like its enough. Anyway do I have aspergers serious question here's my chart

Very frustrating. People get the wrong idea of me and think that I don't like them or something when it's the exact opposite. How can I change entirely an learn to express myself and feel safe about it?

posted November 07, 2011 04:12 AM            

Anyway, I don't think you have Aspergers because it's a syndrome that is usually quite obvious from early on, and just because you are not very comfortable with emotions doesn't mean something is "wrong" with you. I think this is just the way you are, everyone is different and just because people around you seem to have no problem expressing their affection/feelings, doesn't mean you are weird, it means you have your own way of showing people your love.

Try to talk about this with the people you care for, tell them you have a hard time expressing your feelings even though you do care about them, so that way they don't get hurt or offended by your "unusual" behavior.

posted November 07, 2011 10:34 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by amowls**:
Aspies have trouble reading facial expressions.

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posted November 07, 2011 11:59 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by anongrl10:
I think, regardless of whether you have Asperger's or not (and Asperger's is not a "mental illness"), I would say you seem to have a lot of issues about accepting your self.
That could be a good topic to bring up to a counselor/psychologist. Even the "weirdest" person won't have such a hard time with themselves and others if they have an attitude of "I am who I am and I like myself". The minute you second-guess yourself, you lose credibility in the eyes of your own self (which equals to low esteem-esteem).
Of course when you are "different" perhaps people will have problems to relate to you, but again you are in charge of this process. If you come from a place of self-acceptance, you can say "sorry, I have a difficulty to express how I feel; it doesn't mean that I don't have feelings though and this is who I am, it is not personal" and own the "weirdeness" and resolve to accept for friends only those who are able to accept you as you are. Warts and all.
From where I sit, I see a very sensitive and vulnerable Moon and Venus in Pisces. All you you need is to learn to be YOU. Growing up a bit will help with this. I've told you before that you have a very strong chart. You need to take it easy and let your personality develop. I feel you are not all you can be right now and this second-guessing business is not helping you move forward.
Try to find someone to talk. Counselling is a fantastic tool for self-development.

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I do think something is wrong with me. I read a lot about the sign Pisces and try to attribute it to my Moon and Venus placement, the only accurate claim is the imagination, dreaming etc. i do that. a lot. What doesn't apply to me is the sensitvity but yes I do have a lot of feelings but I don't feel most of it i know its there but generally don't feel much I just imagined someone especially with a moon AND venus in pisces would be open with theiir feelings and all that stuff.. but Im not. Most of the time I don't even know it's there. I think I mentioned this somewhere I even tell this to my therapist all the time all this detachment. I dont understand where it really comes from or if thats just who I am. I dont feel like a Pisces moon or venus. At all. And I feel guilty sometimes because I sense there is a lot more depth to me "emotionally", but it never comes out and I can't understand why. It's like I am a robot it effects my friendships and relationships people don't understand where I come from and it all points back to the same conclusion of them genuinely believing I don't care about them so then i am often made to feel very alienated.

I dont understand what is really going on. I try hard to tap into my emotional reserve but nothing works it just slips away is the best way to describe it and than up comes my feelings of nothingness, Its not excitement its nothing extreme, its just simpleness, contentment/indifference. i dont think that is normal. and I feel like such a darn robot around people I genuinely care about but I am not able to express myself because I just was never taught how.

I know I should care about a lot. But i don't "feel" it.
I know should empathize like most people but I really don't im still learning to be empathetic its not easy to because most of the time it doesn't register.

posted November 07, 2011 12:02 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by mercuranian:
Lindisfarne, your concerns remind me very much of my own. I could have written verbatim what you wrote above myself. I also really identified with your post about laughing at inappropriate times. I always attributed it to my cap moon, and uranus aspects to moon and mercury, but lately have really been reading into my saturn conjunct ascendant. I think this aspect has alot to do with these issues (and especially feeling like you're an alien and something being wrong with you).
I was going to comment on one of your earlier posts and ask you if you had this aspect. Turns out you do. I can totally relate. Don't worry, I guess this aspect gets easier after 40.

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posted November 07, 2011 12:41 PM            

quote:

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The cognitive ability of children with AS often allows them to articulate social norms in a laboratory context,[3] where they may be able to show a theoretical understanding of other people's emotions; however, they typically have difficulty acting on this knowledge in fluid, real-life situations.[7]

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From Wikipedia. Of course you can teach yourself to recognize certain cues from other people (such as a smile) but it doesn't come as naturally to people with Aspergers.

posted November 07, 2011 12:41 PM            

quote:

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Do you see where I am going with this? I dont know if something is very wrong with me or this is just how I am built. I look around and i don't feel like I am like everyone else, thats the problem.

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What does your therapist says when you explain this to her? If I were your therapist I would have referred you to someone who can test you. I still don't think there's anything wrong with you (yes, I think it is how you are built, precisely), but you DO have a low self-esteem and need to get over yourself (meaning, stop beating yourself up and stop looking from outside in all the time; it can drive anyone nuts).
Also, you sound like you have some form of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). There's a lot of anxiety here and it makes me wnoder what has happened to you. You seem to be screaming "help!" in every second post of yours. Why? What happened to you? Have you been brought up with the belief that you are not "as you should be"? Was there abuse in the family?
You have a therapist. If she's not helping, please ask her to refer you to someone else who can approach your problem in a different angle. Different therapists are good for different kinds of people.

hugs,
Anongrl10

posted November 07, 2011 02:33 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
They do? I have fully medically diagnosed Aspergers. I read facial expressions.

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i have a friend, he can read facial expressions too, but he seems to not interpret it. and on top of that, no one even notices he's an aspie, only very close friends. most people think he's a bit weird.

quote:

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Originally posted by amowls**:
Another clue is long winded one sided converstations. My ex with Aspergers (which was undiagnosed at the time) used to give monologues on electro music or 80s hair metal. I would sit and just listen because he didn't really notice that the conversation was somewhat boring for me.[/B]

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sounds like this friend... but it's not meant negatively. i pick up bits and pieces of interesting parts out of it, because he's literally like a walking encyclopaedia. that's actually a bit entertaining.

posted November 07, 2011 03:25 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by anongrl10:
What does your therapist says when you explain this to her? If I were your therapist I would have referred you to someone who can test you. I still don't think there's anything wrong with you (yes, I think it is how you are built, precisely), but you DO have a low self-esteem and need to get over yourself (meaning, stop beating yourself up and stop looking from outside in all the time; it can drive anyone nuts).
Also, you sound like you have some form of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). There's a lot of anxiety here and it makes me wnoder what has happened to you. You seem to be screaming "help!" in every second post of yours. Why? What happened to you? Have you been brought up with the belief that you are not "as you should be"? Was there abuse in the family?
You have a therapist. If she's not helping, please ask her to refer you to someone else who can approach your problem in a different angle. Different therapists are good for different kinds of people.

hugs,
Anongrl10

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I don't believe I have low self-esteem not anymore.
I don't think I suffer from PTSD, not anymore.. hm I dont know. I went through a lot of traumatic experiences in my childhood I don't think it will be best to discuss what happened, but a general synopsis would be abuse that is the primary theme of trauma that went on, I was never physically abused but I did witness it for a great length of time. They say often when children witness abuse its as if they are the ones being directly abused just by how they internalize things. My therapist described it to me and than she asked me if I could describe my anxiety. I only experience anxiety (sweaty hands, loss of appetite, faster heart rate, that vicious stomach ache it feels like my stomach is dropping like butterflies but worse) I mostly experience that when I have my moments of fearing abandonment I think I got that in Check though.. my abandonment issues.. I also experienced sexual abuse in my childhood, witnessed sexual harassment for proper terms, abandonment etc. Basically the way I grew up I learned that the people I was supposed to trust and thought cared about me did not and I could not trust anyone so in order to cope I had to turn inward, I wasn't allowed to express myself if at all.. especially with emotions, I had to shut them off and even till this day I still experience "shutting down" it's beyond my control. I was especially neglected emotionally had to also endure psychological abuse from my Aries mother, was also attacked in early teen years, add that i also suffered from an eating disorder because i wanted my mother to love me and be nice to me that obviously didnt work, had to help myself again everything that has happened goes back to the self- i had to be self sufficient i had to help myself becuae i couldnt trust anyone now with how i grew up and the experiences i saw and went through

but I think I'm over all of that. That's basically what it was. I don't know exacty why I see a therapist still. It just helps me because I cannot speak to anyone else about this, I'm also there to discover more about myself and my childhood abuse I have a hard time opening up about it, I don't experience discomfort.. I just shut down entirely and refuse to talk about it, that's why I'm there, IT also helps me realize my behavior and connections to my subconscious, Im also there because I know I've hidden a lot of things that for some reason I can't uncover alone. it's preventing me from progressing as a person.. I don't know what these "skeletons" are but they must be awful because I know it's there I just don't know what it is, I also experience brief flashbacks of even more trauma in my early years Im in therapy to confront it because it also is affecting my life I don't get close to people and I make sure I don't... everyone is reachable on a surface level (except my bf but I even hide things from him too sometimes)

but I don't think I have self esteem issues.. maybe a little but not as much as before I just never grew up being praised at all so ya I'm working on that as well!

posted November 07, 2011 03:36 PM            

The first house stands for the way in which an individual projects personal energies onto others. This house is fundamental in defining an individual's personality and Saturn's presence here is particularly significant. Saturn in the first house people might have a stern exterior. People may comment, "You look so different when you smile!" When you smile the stern exterior drops. Saturn's presence in the first house can make you more aware than others of right or wrong in a societal way. Responsibility will be a major concern in your actions. Demands from people around you will dominate your consciousness. You will probably find it extraordinarily difficult to place yourself ahead of others. Guilt and anxiety might haunt you over issues that others, without this influence, might not consider significant. This misplaced guilt and anxiety may create false sentimentality and attachment to surroundings to the point of neurosis. You are hard on yourself. Self-assertion at work and home might be stressful. Develop awareness about your guilt and anxiety attacks. Fight the guilt by thinking things through by yourself or with someone you feel comfortable with. To avoid the guilt and anxiety your best bet is to lay low and first let people around you articulate and take what they want and need. Then take what you want. It's rather important for Saturn first house people to have spouses and partners who understand their self-assertion issue. An understanding spouse or partner will go a long way towards making life pleasant.

posted November 07, 2011 03:42 PM            

But ya I'm not understanding how therapy works it'll be 3 years now I'm with a new therapist. I just have to be patient... I know all my experiences are not my fault and it takes a long time to "heal" which again annoys me cause I just wanna get it over with haha. I don't mean to make a joke out of this but yeah. The self-criticism.. I don't go saying stuff like "oh I am so stupid/ugly" I don't have that type of negative talk I just mainly doubt myself a lot, doubt my talents, abilities, all that stuff. Someone always has to point it out to me "You are really smart" or "Wow you're really great at this and that and this" and I often don't understand compliments like that at all, someone just always has to point these things out to me in order for me to notice. Maybe that's a self esteem issue? And with my abandonment issues I find it a lot more comforting to keep one foot in and one foot out in regards to relationships. I never give myself entirely to the person or I will have some type of severe panic attack tied around my past. So I always need to be gaurded not entirely but somewhat. Even in my relationship.. right now I'm still guarding myself while opening up a little I do not think I will allow myself to be entirely vulnerable as he has with me. Just to protect myself and all,I have the emotional intelligence of a 8 year old I truly believe my progression stopped there and I know that, so I do my best to mask it by never allowing myself to go there or never allowing anyone to provoke that 8 year old self out of me. When I say 8 year old I mean, think of a child that needs a lot of nurturing and tending too, egocentrism, always needing reassurance stuff like that, naivety, I keep that side hidden. My bf also mirrors certain behaviors that relate to the 8 year old self of me so I feel very safe it's like I'm "letting go" but instead he's doing it for me lol if that makes sense.

Sorry for babbling..... :/ But that's exactly why I also got into astrology to help me find myself and uncover many other secrects about myself all I want to do is grow..

posted November 07, 2011 03:44 PM            

here they are

posted November 07, 2011 03:48 PM            

Different is good more often than not. IDK, I value diversity and uniqueness.

posted November 07, 2011 04:04 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by amelia28:
Asperger's is one of those labels I wish didn't exist. Is in the spectrum of autism right but you read the description and seems like asperger's is super mild autism which means that person with this condition is a functional member of society so why even place a label on it. I would say that having Asperger's means you are unique, not that you have a condition. I am studying psychology and labels are helpful but I also feel that there are too many labels out there and there should be a lot less. Why do we have a need to label anything different?

Different is good more often than not. IDK, I value diversity and uniqueness.

Hon you are 18 years old. You have plenty of time to hone those interpersonal skills, you will be fine!

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I am sorry about the labelling, a lot of people actually ask me if I have aspergers.... so.. yah lol!