posted December 18, 2011 05:34 PM            

I'll try to keep the background short (I am notoriously long winded and detailed). I remember when I was little I was told I had an aspect in my chart that said drugs were a bad thing for me, but I don't remember what it is. All through high school, I never did anything. No drinking, no smoking, no nothing. I simply "knew better" and was not about to test it because I will not take uncalculated risks. Around 15 though when I became interested in organic chemistry (I'm a chemist by trade), I looked into hallucinogens and began reading storied about experiences and what not about them. I became absolutely amazed by them. There was just something so mystical and drawing about them. I wanted to experience it myself, but I knew I never would (oh how little did I know).

Fast forward to college. Long story short, a combination of growing up, gaining confidence in myself, being more certain, and losing a lot of fear, I tried drinking, then smoking pot. I can't drink very often, because even though I find being drunk very fun, I get wicked hangovers and it's a major deterrent because I have a very low physical pain tollarence. Pot... is very interesting. In short, it makes me physically feel sounds (completely), and music becomes an incredibly overpowering experience. Which makes sense as I am so auditory based. It's so intense and overwhelming that I can be incapacitated on the floor unable to moved because I am so overwhelmed with sensation and input. While I experience it, I almost want to cry it's so intense and want it to end. In hindsight though, it's just... so cool, and I want to do it again. Seemingly forgetting the negatives. Thorough college I have had various stints with pot, and at one point, I preformed an experiment on myself (ever the scientist that I am), where I subjected myself to various exact amounts of pot to figure out what experiences it caused. In the end though, I had an epiphany where I realized that pot is no good to me, and was causing some sort of intangible harm to myself. The epiphany itself was that I realised I was trying to use the physical sensations of drugs (and a drive to find harder ones) to subsitute the physical sensations of positive emotions that one received in a romatic relationship that I did not have. Seeing as I was not in a relationship and wanted one more then I thought (there's A LOT more to it). Anyway, I cut cold turkey. One thing I am thankful for, is I can cut addictions from my life quite easily if I can justify it.

What this brings me to now, is magic mushrooms. When I was 18 (again a freshmen in college), on impulse I decided to try a low-medium dose. It was an really really cool experience. In many ways I loved it. The bodily sensations were like nothing I have ever felt before. 3 years go by without ever doing them again (not that I didn't want to, I just seemingly could not find them). There was an overlap with the the timing of the epiphany I explained above. When I was 22 years old (so this past summer). I managed to find shrooms. I reached a mental checkpoint I had established for myself that it would be ok for me to do them. I was completely mentally sound and stable (I was mostly happy). The problem was, I did them in a bad setting. I told my mother (whom I am extremely close to) that I was going to do them. Well, turns out I am not as comfortable with her as I thought in this regard. I hulled myself up in my room. For about a period of an hour, I had an experience where I literally, felt no emotion at all. Gone, zip, nada, nothing. When you have no emotion, you can not emotionally react to having no emotion. In that moment, to me the line between being alive and dead was gone. It seemed so intrinsically easy to just, cross over to being dead. I remebered though. I could reach to this part of my mind that remembered what it was like to be sober, and I knew "dying is bad, don't die" and I took it at face value, and listened. (On a lighter note there was another period of time where I lost the concept of clothing). After I came down, I got emotion back and though "...oh my god" and realized where my mind was. I cried to my mother (mind you I was still coming down so I was still slightly high) saying that I just didn't feel loved (another matter entirely) and that I was not meant to do drugs. It pained me, partly because I don't want to be meant to not do them.

I believe that I was right, and am still right, that despite how many times I have tried to explore hallucinogens, I always reach the same sort of intangiable conclusion: they aren't for me. In a way I don't understand it. Why? I WANT to be able to do it. There is something so cool and appealing about completely throwing my mind out of alignment, and being crazy and insane for a while. I don't know why, but it's there. Such a contrast to how I am. I think in a way it's an escape valve to allow me to express myself purely, and in away tap a dark part of myself. I will not lie, I will likely try shrooms again in a few months. I will have very easy access to them. I know I shouldn't do them... but I did have a good experience once, and I know I can have it again.

Anyway, that was far too long. Here's my chart! Do you see anything in there that can indicate the experiences I have had, and explain why I react the way that I do? Let me know if you have any questions. THANK YOU!!!

posted December 18, 2011 05:38 PM            

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Passion, Lust, Betrayal Peek in my journal.

posted December 18, 2011 05:45 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by athenegoddess:
You have Mars opposite Neptune exact. Lol.

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I'm assuming that's the aspect, and that it's not good either (I mean, it is an opposition). I

s there any reading material on this aspect that discusses this stuff? I know about that aspect for myself as it explains father issues, and it's the aspect that I feel explains why I am homosexual.

posted December 18, 2011 06:03 PM            

Personally my mom is the more dominant one growing up and my Moon in pisces conjunct IC square neptune still represent my mother in my case. I have moon in pisces and mom has jupiter in pisces and her ascendent opposes jupiter.

posted December 18, 2011 06:11 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by amelia28:
Mars opposition saturn could mean you are mars and your dad saturn and you are opposites and he perhaps wanted you to be like him. Power struggles. This issue is further reinforced with mars opposite Uranus.

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This. Tooooooo the letter. My dad wanted me to be the spitting image of him pretty much (parents divorced when I was 3), and I could not be more different then him. Now that I am an adult he has openly admitted to me that he does not understand me at all, and never will (not surprised in the least). He doesn't have any power over me anymore since I actually have a spine now.

posted December 18, 2011 06:11 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by athenegoddess:
NO the father is the Sun not Saturn. The Sun is not making any aspects. Was the father absent?

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posted December 18, 2011 06:12 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by athenegoddess:
Well, in my chart my Saturn is def not my father.

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Perhaps in your chart he is the Sun.

posted December 18, 2011 06:13 PM            

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Originally posted by athenegoddess:
It's not conjunct Mercury.

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posted December 18, 2011 06:14 PM            

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Originally posted by amelia28:
Its conjunct my 6 degree orb. LOL.

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posted December 18, 2011 06:15 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by athenegoddess:
It's OUT OF SIGN.

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posted December 18, 2011 06:18 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by athenegoddess:
Um, in everyone's chart, the father is the Sun. Sorry.

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No sometime Saturn or the 10th cusp represent the father.

posted December 18, 2011 06:19 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by amelia28:
No sometime Saturn or the 10th cusp represent the father.

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No, 10th house is public standing in life.

posted December 18, 2011 06:21 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by athenegoddess:
No, 10th house is public standing in life.

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