posted March 25, 2012 11:40 AM            

ARIES
You are capable of soaring to any height. Sometimes by utilizing your determined Martian energy. Sometimes by hopping on the nearest broom. You play all the angles, are jealous, competitive, and totally oblivious to your own worst behavior.

You don't do laid back. Instead, you picture yourself as The Great Enlightener and spend your time haranguing the rest of us unto submission. You are nearly as tactless as a Sagittarius stuffing his size-twelve foot in his mouth. At the least, you have a gift of gab that can make a Gemini cry, and at your worst, your bellicose attitude loses friends and starts family arguments.

Since your favorite topic of conversation is the endless minutiae of your personal existence, you are also a colossal bore. Of course this means little or nothing to you as long as you get to hear yourself talk. You are genuinely perplexed when rooms empty at your appearance and all your friends get Caller ID, then refuse to answer the phone.

Your home is a combination trophy shop and arsenal. The hall next to the gun cabinet is filled with heads from your latest Bambi-shoot. The table in the corner holds a high school debate team cup and a marathon dance blue ribbon. Pictures of relatives line the hallways and the basement is stuffed with assorted military gear, World War II surplus, K-rations and bottled water.

From the time you learned about the birds and bees (and people would be surprised at how early an age that was) until you're dead, sex is the uppermost thought in your mind. In grammar school, you played doctor. As a teen you wore out the backseat of the family sedan. And as an adult, you forever fall in and out of love.

When you aren't filing your fingernails, you are sharpening your rapier wit on unfortunate friends or instigating family feuds. Actually, the word friend is something of a misnomer, because you usually choose people as friends in direct proportion to how they can help further your own plots and plans.

You Martians climb the social ladder as eagerly as Capricorns, but with far less finesse. You'll transparently kiss up to the most powerful person around and have the nerve not to blush with shame when you are accused of that very thing. In fact, you'll twinkle and smile, be all the more charming, and get away with the whole mess.

Aries is the sign of the sculptor, warmonger, Chippendale dancer, and the bad half of a good-cop-bad-cop team. Rams are also great athletes, freedom fighters, and bank robbers (e.g., Aries Clyde Barrow).

posted March 25, 2012 12:08 PM            

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Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
It's in the link at the beginning of his post, but here it is again:
http://www.bemyastrologer.com/sun_sign_downside.html

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posted March 25, 2012 12:14 PM            

These are pretty good. From the Virgo section, I liked:

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VIRGO
: You have one belief. Everyone in life is beneath you. There isn't an idea that you can't improve upon, or a person you can't whip into shape. You may pride yourself on being a discriminating perfectionist, but everyone else sees you as a royal pain in the ass. You are very intelligent but can't make any practical use of your knowledge, so you end up spouting platitudes and pumping gas.

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You spend your life moving your metaphorical piles of dirty laundry from one side of your psyche to the other without resolving anything. However, this is fine with you because it gives you something to do on Saturday night besides rearranging your medicine cabinet.

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In love, you are as romantic as a top sergeant drilling the troops. You expect your lover to adhere to your timetable and preferences and balk at any variation. After you invariably get dumped, you cry for about five minutes then decide that he, or she, wasn't good enough for you anyway and grab the nearest good book to soothe yourself. When you do get the urge to merge, you usually make the wrong choice, because you've been so picky in the past that you suddenly find yourself on the downside of sexy and grab the first person you can clutch in your impeccably manicured little hands.

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posted March 25, 2012 12:15 PM            

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Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
I think MataMoros is a guy

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posted March 25, 2012 12:19 PM            

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Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
I think MataMoros is a guy

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posted March 25, 2012 12:22 PM            

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Originally posted by MataMoros:
I about choked on my aids flavored coke. LOL!

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posted March 25, 2012 12:23 PM            

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Originally posted by ariesdragon:
Those are great enchantress! darn I can never get these emoticons right lmao

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Ahaha I saw that, you had to edit to get that smiley right lol.

posted March 25, 2012 12:23 PM            

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Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
Oh my, the Virgo description is so funny!

Heck, they're all funny

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posted March 25, 2012 12:27 PM            

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Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
Wait.. you are a guy, right?
Or did I get that wrong

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posted March 25, 2012 12:34 PM            

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Originally posted by MataMoros:
Oh my .. Who wrote this!? It is True! This brings up a good question. How or why is each sign so predictable?

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posted March 25, 2012 12:36 PM            

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Being a fixed sign means that your emotions and opinions rarely change. You are kindly described as "still water runs deep". You more closely resemble a boiling cesspool of hydrochloric acid. Your metaphorical stinger is always poised for attack and you are supposedly known for vicious verbal barbs. In reality, most of you are merely cantankerous bores who constantly posture and gouge lines in the dirt daring others to step across.

You are so private even your relatives don't know your unlisted phone number. You have a NO SOLICITORS sign on the barbed-wire fence around your property, and anyone attempting to reach your front door will need a map and a flashlight to make it through the overgrowth. You are so paranoid that you think Alcatraz would be a safe place to live.

Scorpios have bumper stickers that say things like, "My child sells drugs to your honor student." You are chronically terse, and have Bad Ass, Son of Bad Ass, or Mother of Bad Ass tattooed on your neck.

You keep a police scanner on the kitchen table to track the movements of your friends -- both of them. Instead of family pictures, your refrigerator is covered with magnetic business cards of lawyers, therapists, and bail bondsmen. Inside is a mishmash of variety ranging from mashed potatoes to granola bars. Your eating habits swing as wildly as your emotions, from Spartan bark eater to comfort-food junkie.

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posted March 25, 2012 12:50 PM            

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Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
"Kill what you can't buy off and stay on schedule."

Sorry I had to whack Uncle Vinny, but it's only business.

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posted March 25, 2012 01:04 PM            

The quest for power drives you as forcefully as it does cousin Scorpio, however because your emotional nature is in hibernation, you suffer none of the Scorpion's passionate derailments on the way up the corporate ladder. Your business philosophy is that of the early railroad magnates. Kill what you can't buy off and stay on schedule.

An unusual number of your sign have the same taste in food as your symbolic counterpart -- anything and everything. You equate exotic with animal parts that no one else will eat and are famous for inviting family and friends over for a home-cooked meal, then refusing to tell them what that is on their plates. A Capricorn invented the term chef's surprise.

You are slow to anger because you consider yourself so superior to the rest of humanity that you rarely lower yourself to hold a two-sided conversation. You disregard any opinion except your own, and the most others can expect is a sour-faced glower and flick of your wrist as you dismiss them as blathering fools for whom you have no time.

You are the late-bloomer of the zodiac. Astrologers kindly say that yours is the sign of reverse aging. What this really means is, as a child you sold tickets when your cat had kittens and played Foreclosure instead of Monopoly. And, when you reach the old folks' home your nickname will be either Baby Jane, because you swish through the halls in your tutu, or Letch, because it's finally dawned on you what playing doctor really meant in fifth grade and you're trying to make up for lost time.

You are so conservative that you are two steps right of survivalist. You think fellow Goat Rush Limbaugh should be president, and you burned your Barry Goldwater campaign button when he publicly announced his support of gays in the military.

Capricorn is the sign of the business tycoon, urban legend, hermit, Pope, and party pooper. Goats also make excellent personal shoppers and self-employed hit men. Ever the traditionalist, the latter subscribes to the work ethic of if you want something done right, do it yourself.

At home you enjoy sitting on your four-thousand-dollar sofa (the one Libra couldn't afford) sipping rare wine and quietly conversing with friends. The facts that you have to strain to hear them over the crackling plastic cover and your bottle of 1969 Thunderbird has a rather piquant flavor doesn't bother you a bit. You are too busy pretending the portrait above the fireplace is your great-great-uncle John, whose blood was so blue he signed the Declarataion of Independence with it and no one was the wiser.

You also have the strongest will in the zodiac. The only thing holding you back is yourself. Once you reconcile your emotional needs with your drive to succeed, nothing on Earth can stop you. In an argument there isn't a sign in the Universe that can top you.