posted February 26, 2013 05:26 PM            

I really do not know what to do anymore!

I KNOW he loves me. Know it. Feel him. Like his energy wraps around my heart and pulls. But, he won't commit! I have had to do all the moving towards in this relationship and I have made myself enormously vulnerable.

He has been separated from his wife for seven years, and they lived in total celibacy for ten years beforehand. I told him upfront that I was not going to stay with him, if he didn't divorce. And, he said he was going to do it anyway, so he agreed.

And, now he is backtracking.

They have a big land trust together, and they are battling over a farm. And, she is a Scorpio as well. And, she views him as HERS. Yes, I know I am beyond crazy to be in the middle of this scenario, but I am.

ALL I have asked is a legitimate time frame. Period. He says no time frames, and he told me to trust him. TRUST HIM? He has completely been contradicting himself from one breath to the next! He isn't behaving trustworthy.

We have been friends for almost three years and intensely romantically involved for a year plus.

I have always made is safe for him to the extent he feels betrayed if I get angry and upset over something he's done. Yeah, I lost my temper a couple of times. For a total of like 10 minutes each time, and he punished me by withdrawing and putting the entire relationship into question!

He is so nuts with this dynamic, he has actually said things to me that I honestly believe he doesn't remember saying. He told me that he would not want to be with a woman who didn't care about the divorce, and denies ever saying it! He is split in two.

Pisces Moon, btw.

I love this man to pieces. We finally just had a big blow out and he left me with a lot of egocentric garbage that had no basis in honesty and what is really going on.

I thought Scorpios were supposed to be honest! He isn't being honest at all, just sacrificing the relationship because I offended his ego.

And, he admits I am right!

It is so stupid. We are both unhappy without each other. We both miss each other. We both want to be together. This isn't about our love or relationship, it is about control.

Should I just give up? I always apologize first. I always make the first move. I already sent him a letter saying how dishonest this breakup feels and how I don't want to make these big relationship decisions from the worst parts of ourselves.

I am not going to contact him again, as I have given him an opening where he doesn't have to make the first move (very important to that EGO) and offered to talk with him from a more calm and rational place.

He is like Jeckyl and Hyde in slow motion. I thought my Sag ex was difficult (and he WAS), but this man is the most conflict avoidant/passive aggressive fighter on earth!

posted February 26, 2013 05:39 PM            

Don't do the first move all the time, dear.
Wait for him to come to YOU and apologize.
Let him miss you.

If he really cares, he'll come back; but don't let yourself be treated like cr@p, even if you love him. Fix boundaries and -stick to them-. Respect yourself, and make it clear that you will -not- tolerate any BS anymore. If this guy can't give you what you really want/need.. - after all the work and efforts you've invested! - time to move on! Life's too short, you wouldn't wanna spend it wondering when the guy's gonna commit, right?

posted February 26, 2013 05:56 PM            

plus, when something is meant to be it will be, and no scorpio ex can stand in the way.

posted February 26, 2013 06:08 PM            

I know I have to just let him go and let what happens....happen!

It is just so clear to me what is going on, and he is letting his ego trip get in the way of our happiness and I just find it infuriating. That said, I am going to listen to my buddha videos and try and to not let his behavior block up my heart and keep loving him without attachment.

But, really!

He won't listen to me, the person who knows him best because he doesn't want to be controlled. God, he needs to get over himself.

I don't know about whether he will come back, I don't think even loving me is enough to come back. He is protecting a life long dynamic that he refuses to see. Not used to being called out on his **** , does not like it, I see ego and attachment trumping love here. I may be wrong, he has always come around to me in every stage of our relationship, but he is digging in his heels against himself at this point.

posted February 26, 2013 06:14 PM            

I think things will work out for you, maybe not *now*, but very soon. I have a feeling it's all gonna be sorted out. Whatever the outcome is, just stay true to yourself.

Try to be patient, keep yourself busy & sane. The right thing will happen, in time.

posted February 26, 2013 06:53 PM            

I have never been with a water sign man before. Fire, Air, Earth. I have completed the set!

Thank God I have my Cancerian sense of humor to get me through.

If this was someone else's life, I would be laughing.

Don't rush me. Don't rush me. Yeah, 7 years living apart from her.....my god, this is break neck speed.

For a time frame?

You're right. Give up up to the Goddess.

On another fantastic note, Mercury retrograde, my computer screen just cracked!

posted February 26, 2013 08:30 PM            

He is a commitment phobic man, and it is getting pretty sad for a man in his 50s. I knew him as close friends before we got together, so I know this is a pattern, and I know it is not about not wanting to be with me. It is about his fear of losing control. Now as Ms. Goodman said in Love Signs the Scorpio life lesson is:

TO TEACH THAT LOVE IS PASSION
TO LEARN THAT LOVE IS SURRENDER

He doesn't know what to do with me. He is so close and yet so far. He bolts on me, he bolts on the work of intimacy. Same old run, only he is in trouble with me because he loves me deeply.

He doesn't even disagree with me. Just tries to downplay its importance. Up against the wall, who knows, maybe he will keep running but you can't maintain that level of dishonesty and not have it bite you.

Cancer Life Lesson:

To Teach that Love is Devotion
And, Learn that Love is Freedom

posted February 27, 2013 03:29 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by rosedl:

I really do not know what to do anymore!

I KNOW he loves me. Know it. Feel him. Like his energy wraps around my heart and pulls. But, he won't commit! I have had to do all the moving towards in this relationship and I have made myself enormously vulnerable.

He has been separated from his wife for seven years, and they lived in total celibacy for ten years beforehand. I told him upfront that I was not going to stay with him, if he didn't divorce. And, he said he was going to do it anyway, so he agreed.

And, now he is backtracking.

They have a big land trust together, and they are battling over a farm. And, she is a Scorpio as well. And, she views him as HERS. Yes, I know I am beyond crazy to be in the middle of this scenario, but I am.

ALL I have asked is a legitimate time frame. Period. He says no time frames, and he told me to trust him. TRUST HIM? He has completely been contradicting himself from one breath to the next! He isn't behaving trustworthy.

We have been friends for almost three years and intensely romantically involved for a year plus.

I have always made is safe for him to the extent he feels betrayed if I get angry and upset over something he's done. Yeah, I lost my temper a couple of times. For a total of like 10 minutes each time, and he punished me by withdrawing and putting the entire relationship into question!

He is so nuts with this dynamic, he has actually said things to me that I honestly believe he doesn't remember saying. He told me that he would not want to be with a woman who didn't care about the divorce, and denies ever saying it! He is split in two.

Pisces Moon, btw.

I love this man to pieces. We finally just had a big blow out and he left me with a lot of egocentric garbage that had no basis in honesty and what is really going on.

I thought Scorpios were supposed to be honest! He isn't being honest at all, just sacrificing the relationship because I offended his ego.

And, he admits I am right!

It is so stupid. We are both unhappy without each other. We both miss each other. We both want to be together. This isn't about our love or relationship, it is about control.

Should I just give up? I always apologize first. I always make the first move. I already sent him a letter saying how dishonest this breakup feels and how I don't want to make these big relationship decisions from the worst parts of ourselves.

I am not going to contact him again, as I have given him an opening where he doesn't have to make the first move (very important to that EGO) and offered to talk with him from a more calm and rational place.

He is like Jeckyl and Hyde in slow motion. I thought my Sag ex was difficult (and he WAS), but this man is the most conflict avoidant/passive aggressive fighter on earth!

Any advice?

---

It would be helpful if you posted his chart!
Well, my beloved ex is a Scorpio,and one thing that I know about them, is that pushing a Scorpio do something isn't gonna work.

Maybe this is a trait of fixed signs,because I'm an Aquarius too and have also many Leo friends, and one thing I can say about us, fixed signs is that you can't really push us into doing sth, unless we want to do it.

posted February 27, 2013 04:19 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by rosedl:

He is a commitment phobic man

---

..ouch.

quote:

---

Scorpio life lesson is:

TO TEACH THAT LOVE IS PASSION
TO LEARN THAT LOVE IS SURRENDER

---

Ow that sounds accurate.

quote:

---

Cancer Life Lesson:

To Teach that Love is Devotion
And, Learn that Love is Freedom

---

Good points.

rosedl, I hope things will work out for you!

But one more thing.. you know usually women who are attracted to commitment-phobic types are commitment-phobic themselves, or at least emotionally not fully available. Maybe you have some unresolved issues related to love/relationships that need some work. Just an idea.. I don't know if it's true for you but maybe try to think about and meditate on it. A bit of introspection can do wonders ~

Ask yourself "why" .. They say our external world and the people in our lives are but mere reflections of our own, inner world.

posted February 27, 2013 04:00 PM            

I'm a Cancer woman too and fell in love with a Scorp several years ago, although his Moon was in the opposite sign of Virgo, as opposed to Pisces (but perhaps relevant in some sense since Pisces is all about blurry boundaries and Virgo is about rigid boundaries and a lot of the time those can play out in a similar way).

In any case, I had a similar experience to you. I was really in love and so was he but he could not quite admit it (and stick to it). His ex came up a lot in conversation when it was time to move things forward and the way he would treat me in terms of our intimacy changed from week to week (quite literally, like it was on a timer).

You seem to know yourself and what to do but perhaps you are just having a hard time doing it? In my case, I realized (much later) that I was attracted to the dynamic of "I-love-you-oh-wait-maybe-I-don't" because that's what my Mom was like with me growing up. Even though it frustrated me, it felt familiar and familiarity breeds comfort (and feelings of safety) even if those feelings are in conflict with the actual situation.

posted February 28, 2013 10:57 PM            

I have had previous commitment issues but I have committed to him. I stopped the picking apart the stupid stuff and just focused on accepting him and loving him.
I am not at all attracted to the push/pull dynamic and I do NOT like being lied to either.

He needs to be in CONTROL. He is a ridiculously smart, top of his field, athletically accomplished and driven man. He never had anyone really challenge him, and I don't think he quite likes it or how I see past his games.

Drive him nuts. But, I think it also turns him on.

No, my issue is that he I do not want to keep repeating my old patterns which I have outgrown.

We are supposed to talk tomorrow, I don't even know what to say. I don't even know what he is going to say, it may just be a diplomatic meeting to end the relationship on less then screaming terms. I am getting sick of it. I am 41 years old, and I am not living like this anymore.

EDITED: My birth-time was incorrect in last post. I am, indeed, a Cancer woman. Through and through and through!

I do not know how to post a chart. His birthday is November 3, 1957. Mine is July 16, 1971 at 2:03 p.m (don't know his birth time).

posted March 01, 2013 02:20 PM            

Had the clarification talk. He doesn't want to be in this relationship, doesn't think he can live with me, and told me that he thinks this might have been the biggest mistake of his life.

Went on to defend how he has a carefully crafted life, and I disrupt that life.

Nothing I could say, as when I pointed out the contradictions he just ended by saying that this is not what he desires. He doesn't want a relationship, and he could never live with me.

When I pointed out our connection, he told me he has had connection with lots of women and it was his mistake to think that when someone lovely and vibrant like me moves to him, it is fate.

I am very sad. Broken hearted that is ebbing as this has been going on for a couple of months.

Cut me off at every pass and then just stared into my eyes for 15 minutes and cried.

Also told me that I could not give him the core of what he needs and share connection in the way he needs.

So, nothing to do here. He was very clear on what was wrong with me, not so keen on doing any work or looking at how he fed the dynamic, and since he claimed he doesn't really want to spend time working on this relationship and he wants other things, it doesn't matter.

I came to him and exposed his games, unhealthy dynamics, and core challenges. He wants to maintain the status quo, and that is impossible for me. He is not interested in healing the dynamic which would allow real intimacy, only propping up his continued runs.

He told me I smashed his garden of peace and healing and flowers and he has no where to go now to heal (thinking I haunt his house) and he had spent a lifetime building it.

This more then anything hurts me. It is not my fault those places are smashed. He moved into a relationship of deep intensity with an honest woman, and when I held up the looking glass, he couldn't bear to see it. He has been manipulating and playing games his whole life, and it is not my fault that he has been playing games with intimacy and codependency that he brought to this relationship as he did to all his prior relationships. He created a false choice of being alone as the only way to maintain his self, and the work was only important if he wanted a relationship, which he does. Until, it brings him to this place all over again.

He is blaming me for smashing his life by showing him truths that interfere with keeping his rose colored views.
He resents me for wrecking his carefully constructed house of lies. And, I didn't do it to be mean. I did it by calling him out on things that were effecting our ability to be together.

I thought this was the mark of a good relationship.

In the end, I am not what he values, chooses, or wants. He told me he had no more desire to be with me.

So, there it is.....

He wanted to hug goodbye. I refused.

So, he took his power back. Punished me for getting angry as he hold hurts around how I delivered the message (which he agrees is true) and killed the messenger.

My heart is broken wide open (which I don't think is bad, sometimes you need to break open to regenerate).

I just wish I didn't hurt so much, and I didn't believe we were meant to be more then this exercise in unveiling deceptive behaviors within the other.

I feel it was all a bit of a game to him that needed to stop when it became real.

I tried to make a healthier choice with him, and instead it turned into a disaster.

There was no convincing him of anything different. And, a fixed Scorpio sign that has made a decision is a fixed Scorpio sign that has made a decision.

I was a fool. A total, complete, idiotic, fool for ever thinking this connection and pull was anything more then a game and chase and that he would ever take me as more real then his holding onto past.

Only good thing....it is clear where he stands. And, it is not with me.

posted March 01, 2013 03:02 PM            

rosedl, I am so, so sorry about what happened.

I took a quick look at his chart and here it is.. Moon square Venus. I don't know if you know about this aspect in a man's chart but it usually means that his needs clash with his desires and he has a hard time seeing a partner as emotionally satisfying and at the same time romantically appealing. That's why these men are *often* (not always) unfaithful, or at the very least not very stable in their affections and are afraid to commit. Plus his Venus is in Sagittarius, the eternal "wanderer". Anyway..

Take care of yourself, allow yourself to express your sadness/anger/whatever you feel, and then heal to be able to move on. It will take time but you are a strong woman and you can definitely go through this and then find yourself in a better place.

posted March 01, 2013 04:28 PM            

I agree with what the other posters have said. And as Doux Rêve mentioned, Moon square Venus is a tough/conflicting aspect to have in a chart --- especially for someone who does not want to confront those inner dichotomies. I spent almost 7 years with a man who has that aspect and it was really challenging so perhaps although it's painful, in the long run you are saving yourself from the same feelings you have been experiencing with him all along...?

You are obviously very self aware and sometimes that makes this sort of experience more painful but it also allows you to heal consciously and that's a wonderful thing. All the best to you!

posted March 03, 2013 10:52 PM            

I am a Cancer with a Scorpio Rising Taurus Moon Cancer Venus Mercury Leo Mars Aquarius Jupiter Scorpio.....

Orange, he NEVER came clean. I called him out on his games and only after twisting/turning/manipulating and being backed up against the wall, did he admit what he was doing. If he had come clean in compassion, I would have FAR more respect for him. But, not only did he NOT do that, he made the entire thing about the way I called him out and being victimized by my anger rather then his dishonesty and cruel manipulations. And, dumped me when I was seriously ill as punishment!

He is ****** because he thought he could manipulate me into needing him so much that I would put up with his dishonesty and failure to uphold his word.

He is furious that I saw through his lies, and now he doesn't have a clue what to do because he was fooling himself to a large extent. Now, that those self deceptive games are exposed to his own eyes, he doesn't know how to operate. That is why he told me that I ****** on his garden and flowers, it was because I shined a light on the deadly insects, poisonous weeds, and buried bodies that were the soil for his intimate relationships.

The worst part was being used as a pawn against his long separated and estranged wife. It was a sick game. And, here I thought this was just a financial technicality due to separate households and seven years of physical separation. When I see the reality of what is really going on between those two people, I can only thank the gods I got out in time.

I am rapidly moving on. Now, just letting myself absorb the reality of this relationship and letting go of the false ideas that he planted in my head.

posted March 03, 2013 11:03 PM            

Me: July 16, 1971 at 2:03 p.m. in the afternoon
Him Nov 3, 1957, I do not know his birthtime.

I would be interested in any insights. Thanks for the tip about the squared aspect of his Moon and Venus.