posted May 05, 2013 09:50 PM            

He felt unsafe and out of control, so he slashed, burned, and ran.

Then, spent the next three months losing weight, getting behind on work, and taking to his bed! He came to about two weeks ago and realized I was gone and he was going out of his mind nuts missing me. (I have been going out of my mind missing him, but apparently he has some weird shut off switch.

Admitted everything he did, and he is now on a road trip to clear his head and take action to move forward with his life and it is very clear he wants me around.

He needs to work things out with his past before we can do anything. But, apparently, hell froze over sometime about two weeks ago because I did not believe I would live to see the day.

So, what is your advice. I am going to continue to stay true to my boundaries and let him do his work. But, can I trust him again?

posted May 05, 2013 11:19 PM            

I am on my guard.

And, there is a twist. Apparently his long estranged wife has been diagnosed with Dementia (it runs in her family and her brother died of it in six months). Very well could be he doesn't think she will live much longer and the expense of a divorce can be avoided.

The whole thing is bizarre.

Guard not down at all.

posted May 06, 2013 04:58 PM            

He didn't divorce her because she had a stroke...had to relearn speech and then got spinal menengitis and kept getting seizures and nearly died numerous times. Given the stress on her, the partnership they had with a huge land trust, and him not being in any relationship, a divorce didn't make much sense. However, she recovered to the point where she was functioning again and I drew the line that it was necessary to move forward. I am not saying he doesn't have some issues. But, he supported her financially the entire time paying the expenses of the farm and her car, leaving the stone house he built, and helping with the maintenance of the property. It is a complicated situation (additionally his estranged has a history of serious mental illness) and he has been a bit guilt ridden trying to leave the craziness of that life and yet feeling responsible. There is a reason I love him. None of this negates his behavior. However, he did come clean with all of it and took responsibility for what he did and put me through and more then that, gave some really thoughtful insight into WHY he acted that way. In many ways, he has shown a lot of integrity. At this point, divorce would just be an unnecessary cruelty to put them both through when they could be working to allow her end of life to honor their long term relationship (married over 30 years) and letting go with love. I realize that he needs to do this work with her before we can move forward, and I don't begrudge it.

His wife is a schizophrenic and in many ways, avoided institutionalization and a life in the system because of him. And, in many ways, she was abusive to him and he wasn't able to do much to reconcile and work things out with her because of her illness. The only mechanism he had was to withdraw because if he confronted her, she would go off, cut, and the voices would go off! It is no big surprise that after decades of this he went into an old pattern with me. She had numerous affairs (which he assented to out of the relief of not having all the burden on him) and she was incredibly possessive and jealous with him but she would have no physical contact with him whatsoever.

It is a very odd and weird situation (they are BOTH Scorps, btw).

This is a man who had written off love and the possibility of a different future due to his past obligations to her. And, then we met and fell so deeply and crazily in love and we had this huge bond, and that situation still hung over his head. This is karmic stuff, we are untangling.

The breakup was miserable for both of us. He was slowly unraveling, shadow boxing his old patterns. I just missed him.

I don't know what will happen, but we are Scorpio/Cancer love personified. I have been in several relationships before, one over 12 years. This is something else all together. We can hold each other with our energy. We can talk to each other in dreams. We feel each other all the time. It is the type of thing I read about and didn't really believed existed until he sat down next to me (I didn't look up) and my first thought was.....your future husband just sat down next to you. When I did look up, I laughed in his face he was so different then what I had pictured!

This is the other side of our story, and why I was so devastated with the break up despite how awful he acted with me. I call him out on everything which no one has ever done before and he always comes around to thank me for it and tell me he has learned more from me then anyone in his life.

He is the one who paid off six months of mortgage when I thought I might lose my house. he is the one who sat with me for a year while I went through a horrible break up. He is the one who cooked me hundreds of dinners and served them to me before fires and worried about me being cold and always would do anything I asked of him.

posted May 06, 2013 11:22 PM            

We aren't back together.

We are talking.

Basically, he needs to finish his work with her. I can't be in the middle of that....

He needs to make peace and he needs to make his decision without me pushing him. I can't really do anything. I guess I just need to stay away from him until he reconciles his past and do my own work.

posted May 08, 2013 05:31 PM            

He has been away on a personal and business trip for near three weeks. I wrote him a letter basically stating that he needs to decide on..

IF he wants to commit and if so...CHOOSE to do so

And, he needs to come to resolution with his estranged wife and I don't want to be in the middle of it.

I also told him that I am not going to be processing his emotions and relationship issues with him since he is not my committed partner. His work lies with closing out his past with his estranged wife and truly letting go....or not.

I told him what I specifically needed, if he wanted to choose a relationship with me.

And, I told him that I respected his autonomy and need to make these decisions without me being a catalyst or intruder on his current work.

I had no other options. I couldn't resume a relationship from where he stands now. I told him I am going to continue to live my life as a single woman (I am not going to sit in a tower working on my embroidery pining for him) and if he could work through those issues and wanted to move forward with me, I am open to speaking when that happens.

Let me tell you, it was hard! I miss him terribly. I WANT to be with him. But, I know it wont work if he doesn't do his work with her and CHOOSE our relationship.

And, frankly, I don't want to talk, think, hear about his estranged wife anymore. I am sick to death of it. Sick of the co-dependent drama between the two of them, sick of their power plays....Sick of their farm. Sick of his inability to let go. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick of it.

He has been doing all his emotional processing with me and wants to break the dynamics in our relationship but continues them with her! No.

I can't do it.

I won't do it.

My heart is a bit broken all over again because my boundaries will be so difficult for him to really meet. There was a window for him to get a divorce and move forward, and now, she is sick and I doubt that he will proceed with a divorce with her with dementia. And, it could be two years or ten years.

Two decades ago is when this relationship ended romantically and physically. Two decades she moved another man in their house. And, this is where they still are today. One decade ago, he moved to another town.

Moral of the story.

Never....ever....ever....ever...get between two Scorpios.

Ever....ever....ever....

He was able to make the issues about me when I was with him, NOT anymore. Let her own the end of the dysfunctional dynamic between the two of them, and let him resent HER instead of me for what is his OWN inability to let go and move forward without trying to control every damn thing

posted May 08, 2013 09:32 PM            

Believe me, I have talked to their daughter extensively and this is information is all accurate, not just second hand reports from him...(who she has implied she might slash out of her life, if her dad divorces her and she continues a relationship with him, if it doesn't go on her terms).

She is a bully. She dictates how things go with the farm, the land, and she banishes him from participation at the farm if he begins a relationship with a woman (she moved another guy into the house when they were married). And, he responds by trying to set boundaries and move forward based on her reaction to the boundaries he sets. Needless to say, he told her he wanted a divorce a year ago and he is still trying to manage her reaction and get her to not feel victimized. Codependent insanity.

I got in the middle of that dynamic.

That is what broke our relationship. He feels guilty over leaving because of her illnesses and his leaving the farm and so he continues to play this crazy game.

It is insane. And, ultimately it isn't about her, but his complete inability to just act for his own life and interests outside of her reactions. It is about his co-dependency, fear, and inability to let go of a very destructive pattern.

As long as I am with him and allow this...I feel like a co-enabler to one of the weirdest dynamics I have ever seen in a relationship (and I have seen some pretty weird dynamics)!

I don't want our future being dictated by her emotions. I don't want OUR future to be dictated by her at all!

He tells me he wants an 'emotional divorce'....a divorce where they stay married for purely financial reasons and she lets go of him as a husband figure and still allows his involvement in the land. For a while, (and I didn't know this til the end)...he was staying away from the farm and not helping until she gave in and accepted OUR relationship. To say the least, I was NOT happy about this crazy manipulation.

If he cant move forward and divorce her and he is addicted to this sick cycle, I know I will be better off.

I love him. He loves me.

And, I know if this doesn't end, I can't be with him.

It totally sucks.

posted May 08, 2013 09:38 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by rosedl:
Only once...and it was before we got together.

Believe me, I have talked to their daughter extensively and this is information is all accurate, not just second hand reports from him...(who she has implied she might slash out of her life, if her dad divorces her and she continues a relationship with him, if it doesn't go on her terms).

She is a bully. She dictates how things go with the farm, the land, and she banishes him from participation at the farm if he begins a relationship with a woman (she moved another guy into the house when they were married). And, he responds by trying to set boundaries and move forward based on her reaction to the boundaries he sets. Needless to say, he told her he wanted a divorce a year ago and he is still trying to manage her reaction and get her to not feel victimized. Codependent insanity.

I got in the middle of that dynamic.

That is what broke our relationship. He feels guilty over leaving because of her illnesses and his leaving the farm and so he continues to play this crazy game.

It is insane. And, ultimately it isn't about her, but his complete inability to just act for his own life and interests outside of her reactions. It is about his co-dependency, fear, and inability to let go of a very destructive pattern.

As long as I am with him and allow this...I feel like a co-enabler to one of the weirdest dynamics I have ever seen in a relationship (and I have seen some pretty weird dynamics)!

I don't want our future being dictated by her emotions. I don't want OUR future to be dictated by her at all!

He tells me he wants an 'emotional divorce'....a divorce where they stay married for purely financial reasons and she lets go of him as a husband figure and still allows his involvement in the land. For a while, (and I didn't know this til the end)...he was staying away from the farm and not helping until she gave in and accepted OUR relationship. To say the least, I was NOT happy about this crazy manipulation.

If he cant move forward and divorce her and he is addicted to this sick cycle, I know I will be better off.

I love him. He loves me.

And, I know if this doesn't end, I can't be with him.

It totally sucks.

---

Something is holding him back.....and he's not fully trusting you to keep him "safe"...what that "safety" is only he knows....Scorpios can be tricky that way.

posted May 09, 2013 01:55 PM            

I don't care what sign he is....

It isn't up to me or anybody else to keep him safe. It is impossible and I told him as much. You are right. He wants safety for himself but won't reciprocate and provide it for me. I told him that until he learns to hold himself in vulnerability he never will really be able to love. I don't care how great a relationship is....no one can make it safe for their partner 100% of the time, and if he leaves and punishes me every time I fail to keep it safe for him (which he reports is around 95% of the time), there is nothing I can do.

I get a little annoyed when people use their signs as an excuse. Astrology is supposed to help you understand yourself and move through your challenges not provide....well, I am a......., it is just how it is....

B.S. He can call upon his incredible Scorpio will and break this lifelong co-dependent pattern and fear based dynamic with women and move forward with Scorpio courage or he can go all grey lizard and play victim and withhold love...keep trying to control what he can't control because his ego and power dynamic are so strong. The choice is his....

I told him that I am not going to be some emotional guru for him and do intense relationship work when I am not his partner.

And, what is holding him back is simple. Fear, control, and power dynamics.

And, if I allowed him to keep treating me with this little respect, he wouldn't want to be with me because he would think I didn't have enough self worth and it would continue to feed his guilt cycle.

As of now, I consider us over and that will only change if he steps up in a big way and ends this insanity with his her and doesn't bring this messed up dynamic to me and him.