posted May 28, 2013 02:17 PM
I feel like I am constantly living my life out of guilt b/c of obligations. The story:
My parents are much older (mom 44 when i was born, father 47) and I am the youngest & only daughter. Being Irish Catholic, my 3 older brothers (who were all married at the time) encouraged me to move from New York City to North Carolina to help with my mother's failing health. She has been very ill for 3 years and her memory is fading fast. My father (who remains active & spry for his age, thank gosh) is now in a position of taking care of her which is very frustrating and new for him - total role reversal: I had to teach him to do laundry, cook & clean when I moved in with them.
It's been 3 years, I'm now 30, and I feel enormous guilt when thinking about moving out and living my own life. Mostly I feel bad for leaving my father without someone to vent and talk to. Also, my dog has become used to being around people at all hours while I'm at work so I feel guilty about her being alone if I were to move out. Lastly, the youngest brother (7 yrs older than me) divorced a few years ago and moved here - I can't imagine leaving him to "deal" with my parents since he has a short fuse, kind of irresponsible post divorce and has little patience for my mother's bad memory and father's chatty personality. I tend to be the "mediator".
Another thing, my 2nd oldest brother passed away suddenly 2 years ago, his children live with his ex-wife (their mother). She has always been extremely irresponsible, selfish, bad with money, tends to hang out with rough characters and has a history of drugs alcohol. I was the only person to call social services and a private investigator when she went off the grid and disconnected her phones/changed her address. Ultimately, nothing I could do b/c she hadn't broken any laws but... still, it keeps me awake at night.
I used to be the most outgoing social person, and since moving down here I've been drained and focused on my families needs. I'm 30, I want to get married and have my own family but I'm not exactly a big catch on dates: most of my spare time is spent on domestic responsibilities, I live with my parents and I work - I'm not all that "fun" anymore. I know I need my own place and to get back to focusing on me but it's hard to imagine blowing off all my "responsibilities" and I fear that something bad will happen if I'm not around to make sure things run smoothly.
I constantly feel guilt over everything - it's just my natural instinct and I wish I could shake it. I wonder if there's an aspect that explains it?
I'm Aqua sun, Gem Moon & Aries Rising.
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Aqua Sun
Gem Moon
Aries RIsing