posted August 12, 2013 01:38 AM            

I feel strange like, "Hey look at me! I'm a whack-o!" LOL
But you know, you guys really, truly are just a FANTASTIC group of people. Many of you very very smart!
So I feel comfortable and hopeful to release my faults and things that I hope to discover "fixes" for. I desire change most of all.

For some reason, I have this craving to have someone that I can open up to. But, when I get it, I eventually destroy it, and I do mean DESTROY.

In the last year August to August. I did this to 3 women and 1 man. I would develop a very close friendship where I was basically allowed to cut loose and talk (write) as much as I wanted, as often as I wanted, and about anything. All four of them, I was able to release my innermost thoughts.
Then, in each case, I would find some reason that seemed legitimate to destroy the friendships. In my mind, I had reason (excuse) to do it. I would do one of two things. In two cases (1 woman and the 1 man) I simply disappeared.
The other two, I became INCREDIBLY cruel. I wouldn't resort to name calling or those sorts of petty bs. I would somehow tie in whatever it was that I was upset about with some of their personal vulnerabilities. Enough that at least one that I know of makes real effort to pretend that I don't exist at all.
Tonight, just out of the blue, I had reflection. I looked back and instead of putting up a front and detaching myself from it, I saw it for what it is.
I regret it very very deeply. I've hurt them, and made life miserable for myself. The reasons are not really reasons, there's something else at play here and that's what is a mystery.

As with my other post, I kind of feel like it's 12 house related but that I'm not very certain about.
Below are planet details.

Me, House in parentheses.

Asc Libra
Sun Leo (11)
Moon Gemini (9)
Mercury Virgo (12)
Venus Virgo (12)
Mars Virgo (12)
Jupiter Taurus (8)
Saturn Leo (11)
Uranus Scorpio(2)
Neptune SAG (3)
Pluto Libra (1)

Ketu Taurus (8)
Rahu Scorpio(2)

posted August 12, 2013 02:09 AM            

I've noticed that it's very difficult for the Gemini moons I've known to get close to people without feeling like they simultaneously want to push them away.

posted August 12, 2013 02:48 AM            

Everyone always says Virgoans are quite contrary and critical with those they love (platonic or otherwise). Moon is well off in the house ruled by Jupiter traditionally, but not so much with Gemini on the cusp and even less so when squared to your Virgo stellium.

12th house stelliums are also in a league of their own. There's the things you want and aren't afraid to show people, and then there are the things you fear about yourself and others and you really don't know if you want to or are willing to share that with others.... 1st house/12th house conundrum

Seems like a lot of times the 12th house person, Venus in particular, has some issues dealing with shame and unfulfilled desires (the "what could have beens" - they let these things build and become irritations. More often over themselves, and not really necessary (though you can't tell them that). But, they do take it out on themselves anyway and when the aspects from those placements square a planet like the Moon... your emotions can become twisted, factor in the ASC-DSC ruler and moon's own ruler acting against it... then, you really have trouble - how you express yourself and the expectations as well as your style of commitment, and the very way you communicate the needs and wants, your impulses, you have to those other people are at tough odds. I suppose the key would be to channel the better aspects made to your moon, and hopefully you will learn to express (even if only possible individually) each of the stellium planets of the 12th as though they were in the first (this will eventually happen by progression)... to reclaim yourself, and be proud of, first your emotions, and second your temper, and third your desires... negotiate the square with your Uranus and Jupiter aspects, and if you can Neptune (natural ruler of the 12th) - because your Neptune is also in poor aspect with your ASC ruler (8h?), that may also need some looking into and work. But, one thing at a time... Jupiter is a good place to look for strength and you could use him to help "cut yourself some slack", be benevolent, be reasonable... Uranus is in good aspect, even with Saturn and the Moon. Which is great - if you look into this - maybe they'll show you (MC) what it is that people like so much about you, there is obviously something that you are yourself not recognizing... a quirkiness, a grey side (not to light not to dark)? perhaps~ you have an ASC cnj with Pluto (wide though) - you may obsess over the wrong parts of yourself and sometimes that gets turned to others. Uranus is also in exalt so use that to your advantage. When the urge comes to speak/write something in the heat of the moment, channel it into something more creative... if there is an addiction to the rush from releasing those emotions, it might be a good idea to express those emotions in a safe but extreme or risque manner as well, to break the habit of directing them on yourself or another.
how you do that - well that depends on your own interests - with Uranus in Scorpio and I assume Aquarius on the 5th house cusp - it is important to walk on the wild side of things from time to time, especially when facing off against those 12th house placements and the inhibition they tend to cause.

You have an air moon and air ascendant though - I'm not much sure how you can avoid wandering in and out of things... lol

(I have progressed Libra ASC and Gemini Moon btw - happen to love it, though I can see how maddening that combination can be, from an outside perspective as well as a sort of pseudo-involved one, if you catch my drift.)

You have a few fixed placements, but I don't think those make you all too much... any less versatile. Leo Sun and Saturn... well, I happen to think Saturn is at its second best when in Leo! Libras and Leos know what to do with Saturn energy (they don't get dragged down by it like a Sagittarius or Aries would), it's simple as that really. And, by default Saturn is in domicile* by house in your case (Aquarius-Saturn, ye old method)... though the Jupiter and Sun square would make me nervous if I knew you in person as well (lol sorry!)... just that I've seen a few with the placement that did resort to rather violent and disturbing behavior.

But, you don't show that so much in the rest of your chart. I think you are missing out on what is so great about you, that thing others see and you... not so much (ASC/MC) - because of those 12th house placements.

I wouldn't pry but I've known a few with Venus-Mars conjunct in Virgo - and you have all those things in lovely trine with Jupiter... and SN-8h Taurus no less, eh? ^^; (steamy?) er ahem...

At some point you will have to share the parts of yourself (like you are here and now) with those you care about. Not just the superficial or even deeply philosophical ponderings but the baser and most raw side of yourself and what you want. That is how it appears with those signs at play on the axis, with these planets, and angles.

Share the experience, even if you can only enjoy it together for a short time. Cherish that time, and if you have to move on, you'll have that connection and no need to burn bridges, no desire to do so. No shame, and no limitations.

Negotiating the squares and connecting with your strengths, using those very things to open up the squares in your chart --- it will help you grow, and become more fulfilled, more happy.

~(I don't post much around here these days - but... brevity is not my strong point.) ^^;

Don't stress on what you can't change (hindsight 20/20), but also don't wait for tomorrow to do what you can do today. If you feel bad about these things... and you still have a chance to mend your friendships, do it. Open up~ that's when you truly become free, not just free (roaming minds). <3 You probably have a lot of awesome (read: crazy) ideas though - with that 11th house Sun and Saturn. ^^; share them!

posted August 12, 2013 03:35 AM            

THANK YOU!
Your message was great and I THINK I see some of the problems - taking what you said and reflecting back to my actions.

I did have to laugh about the Sun Square Jupiter though. I don't doubt you at all, not even a little, but nope, I'm not violent. lol I pushed, er... threw a guy down once 15 years ago but that's it. lol

If I read everything correctly the overall feeling of your response was that I have a real need to express things that I'm not expressing. A need to reveal things and open up to release energies.
That TOTALLY makes sense! Completely!
It's very difficult to explain the energy alone, that lies in my brain. The curiosities and never ending questions and quest for knowledge - the ideas and theories - study of OTHER people - and vivid imagination that two or more could be happening together at the same time. The imagination is strong. I can pretty much kind of... play a scene in my head and see it. (I don't even own a television by the way lol)

But you're totally correct! I need an outlet. I think if I can find some way to outlet the energies that I hold within myself, things will start to balance out. Heh... if I had more confidence in my writing and had more technical skill to get my thoughts out in a concise way I could write some Romance Stories. Or, I have a lot of theories on human nature and society.

----"I wouldn't pry but I've known a few with Venus-Mars conjunct in Virgo - and you have all those things in lovely trine with Jupiter... and SN-8h Taurus no less, eh? ^^; (steamy?) er ahem."-----

I think I know what you're getting at here! I may have to do some digging to see if it's correct. Astrology is not my strong point at the moment.

posted August 12, 2013 04:10 AM            

What you described sounds like a Moon (intimacy) issue to me.

Have you looked into your transits?

Usually the dynamic you talked about occurs with hard Moon / Pluto aspects, natal or by transit.

But could be another outer planet.

posted August 12, 2013 04:31 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
Hi Zander,

What you described sounds like a Moon (intimacy) issue to me.

Have you looked into your transits?

Usually the dynamic you talked about occurs with hard Moon / Pluto aspects, natal or by transit.

But could be another outer planet.

You can also check out the transits to your 12th house ruler (I suppose it's Mercury?) because the 12th house rules subconscious reactions and self-undoing.

---

I'm not good with transits really. I should really learn more about that.

That's also quite possible because it's only been in the last year or so. Before that, no problems.

posted August 12, 2013 04:48 AM            

Then in the 'Extended Chart Selection' you can choose 'natal chart and transits'.
Then you draw the chart and see if your Moon or ruler of 12th is making some aspects to the transiting planets.

You can also change the date for the transits (in the box below "Options").

Anyway, at least you're aware of what you did and the impact it made on them and yourself.

posted August 12, 2013 04:55 AM            

Not sure about my case, but for you I believe your mission is to balance Taurean, earthy and grounded energy with Scorpean energy, the intense, deep energy.

Your Jupiter is in Taurus and NN is in Scorpio. You must know about NN, and for Jupiter I believe is where we attract our luck, and that's the fastest way to being kind to yourself.

posted August 12, 2013 07:23 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Newrise:
I am very much like that too.

Not sure about my case, but for you I believe your mission is to balance Taurean, earthy and grounded energy with Scorpean energy, the intense, deep energy.

Your Jupiter is in Taurus and NN is in Scorpio. You must know about NN, and for Jupiter I believe is where we attract our luck, and that's the fastest way to being kind to yourself.

P.s. Also notice Taurus Jupiter is in 8th house and Scorpio NN is in second house. That's very interesting.

---

posted August 12, 2013 10:20 AM            

Destroying something you worked hard to cultivate is more related to Pluto.

posted August 12, 2013 01:20 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
Make an astro.com account with your birth data.

Then in the 'Extended Chart Selection' you can choose 'natal chart and transits'.
Then you draw the chart and see if your Moon or ruler of 12th is making some aspects to the transiting planets.

You can also change the date for the transits (in the box below "Options").

Anyway, at least you're aware of what you did and the impact it made on them and yourself.

I guess that's a good start!

---

Thanks! I did this. I have no idea what any of it means but looking at the wheel.

Mercury is transiting very closely to my Natal Saturn 11th house.
Venus is transiting very closely to my Natal Mercury 12th house.
Saturn is transiting very closely my Natal Uranus and "True Node" 2nd house.
"True Node" is also transiting near my Natal Uranus and Natal "True Node" 2nd house.

posted August 12, 2013 01:53 PM            

Of those four people, this is by far the most significant. Although the man was only about a week later.
For this biggest one, this particular one... this chart is almost the exact TIME down to the minute that I did it.

posted August 12, 2013 02:03 PM            

Transiting Saturn conjunct tMoon - cold reactions, strained feelings.

Your natal Saturn squares Uranus from the 11th - house of friendships. This means that your friendships can start and end suddenly, maybe because you don't feel comfortable being "tied down" for too long.

Right now you have transiting Saturn conjuncting your natal Uranus: http://www.thefutureminders.com/Saturn-transits/saturn-conjunct-uranus.cfm

And later on you'll have tSaturn square your natal Saturn: http://www.thefutureminders.com/Saturn-transits/saturn-square-saturn.cfm

posted August 12, 2013 02:32 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
Uranus on the DSC - the need to break free
Pluto on the IC - change on a deep level, unconscious reactions and compulsions

Transiting Saturn conjunct tMoon - cold reactions, strained feelings.

Your natal Saturn squares Uranus from the 11th - house of friendships. This means that your friendships can start and end suddenly, maybe because you don't feel comfortable being "tied down" for too long.

Right now you have transiting Saturn conjuncting your natal Uranus: http://www.thefutureminders.com/Saturn-transits/saturn-conjunct-uranus.cfm

And later on you'll have tSaturn square your natal Saturn: http://www.thefutureminders.com/Saturn-transits/saturn-square-saturn.cfm

Basically a time when you question things and need to adjust to your current situation.

---

Thanks Doux Rêve! You've been really helpful! That all sounds correct to me. That's amazing! It's all "in the stars" as they say.