posted December 18, 2013 05:51 PM
I feel like I'm spamming 
*dodges shoes* but I spent an entire month reading every available interpretation of this aspect, and have only found one article that even remotely resonated with me (It's been posted here a million times already, but I will never not re-post this): http://chirotic.wordpress.com/2009/04/08/venus-pluto-love-and-trans/ I ruined my fair share of relationships (none of which were romantic, thank God), but were definitely a symptom of this aspect.
Venus/Pluto makes me desperate for love and approval, makes me extremely jealous (whether we'd like to admit it or not) and I really do turn to nasty manipulative mind games even though it might not seem obvious to me.
I feel victimized, misunderstood, feel like the games I play are something I need to resort to because my sense of unworthiness makes me think that to be loved by anyone at all, I need to do something downright drastic. My efforts always backfire. I seek control and a sense of security, but end up creating chaos because there's no going against universal truths such as 'love can't be forced'. I can't *make* anyone love me, and in my twisted mind this translates to 'I'm unlovable', when in reality such an attitude toward love is it's exact opposite of what love is or should be.
What's more, contempt for myself is just part of my contempt for others. For their inability and unwillingness to love me when I can't. I end up being selfish and pushy, attacking my friends in an attempt to break down their ego so that they'll hate themselves just as much as I hate myself. As much as I hate them for their ability to love themselves. It's like a beast inside me, that does everything to destroy love.
I probably rationalize it as them needing to understand me, to fall from their pedestal, so they can finally feel what I feel. I hurt them so they can understand my pain and then expect them to love me. If this isn't true irony I don't know what is.
The worst part is- as monstrous as the design might be, it works. Once they too begin to hate themselves, they become needy and we develop a so called 'love/hate' codependency.
The 'love' isn't love at all by that point, it's desperation, a clinginess, based on fear. The hate is the only real part. If I were them, I'd hate me too.
They hate me and I hate them back, for becoming like me, which should have made me feel more secure but in reality just made hate them more, because there's nothing in the world I hate more than myself.
As cliche as it sounds, one ABSOLUTELY has to love themselves before being capable of love toward another. It's how the ego works. It's why healthy people try to keep away from those with self esteem issues. They don't want to take part in the vicious cycle of hate...
Lindaland
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posted December 18, 2013 05:51 PM
posted December 18, 2013 06:11 PM
posted December 18, 2013 06:45 PM
