posted January 17, 2015 07:53 PM            

Edit:

My experience was that while I was home, my behavior was more extreme. When I left home, it was easier for me to decide what I really wanted to be doing. And even after I left home I put myself in situations and relationships that were restricting and confining because I was scared to be without someone controlling me and making the decisions for me. Then I'd do something extreme to get free. It wasn't good at all. Once I felt brave enough to live alone and make my own decisions, my action were less self destructive. I started thinking about my goals instead of escaping.

I don't have free sex, but I love talking about sex, and I am grateful for the things I have allowed myself to experience (when I did have sex casually). I have learned a lot about just who I am. I wear hijab because I WANT TO. I also discuss the things I want to discuss, I smoke weed if I want to. Some of the things I do are haraam for sure, but you know, haram or halaal doesn't mean anything without the heart. You can't do anything without the heart, so you have to discover your heart. I suggest moving out. I don't know where your family is from and how traumatic that would be, and if that would mean a major break in your family, but for your sake it would be best if you can do it safely. But don't let yourself be alone. try to surround yourself with a supportive circle of friends who will accept whatever direction your path takes, whenever. people who can accept when things change.

posted January 17, 2015 08:02 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by venus2tinkerbell:
I can't relate to the placement, but I can relate to your struggles coming from a Muslim family. If it's something you have to go through, little Sister, it's something you have to go through. Just remember to stay safe in your exploration, and don't let the pressures from home and family push you further than you would have otherwise gone.

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posted January 17, 2015 08:11 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Anisa:
[B][/B]

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posted January 17, 2015 08:22 PM            

I wanted to add that many of my values are now in line with Islam, but not because someone forced me into it, because I let my experiences teach me what is good for me. And in many things (not all) I believe I have achieved Ishan. Do you know that word?

It may not be the same for you. You may leave Islam for good, but consider life on the grand scale. Religion is a human tool. God, if you believe in God, is beyond religion. The proof is in the verses about Musa, Isa, etc.

posted January 18, 2015 01:36 AM            

Yes, everything was secretive, I was kept isolated and alone, was scared of doing anything because everything I did that was not sitting and praying, reading the bible or their literature, listening to their music or pondering the ways I could do more to show God my devotion....was wrong.

I was a virgin until I got married, I'd never drank, partied...I did nothing but still was always in trouble for what they thought I could be doing. It was miserable!!
I bought into it totally and never even longed for all the "bad" stuff. I was so scared God was going to kill me, I never thought much beyond that fear.

posted January 18, 2015 10:24 AM            

My brother married a British-Bengali girl. Before they even met she moved out of her family home in London, and got an apartment. She really struggled with her family about it, but in the end, she convinced them that she was doing what was right and healthy for her, and they decided they didn't want to lose her. THEN she married my brother, and we are not Bengali. We're a weird Panamanian-Cherokee-Haitian-Yahud (European Jew) hybrid, so you know what that meant! Major drama (!), even though my brother was born Muslim and is hafiz of Quran! Anyway, she took the hard road, and in the end her family accepted her decisions, after many threats and tears. And she ended up paving the way for her younger sisters to make their own decisions too. I hope it can work out for you that way, but you'll have to be brave, and you'll have to put sincerity and finding yourself above everything else. As a human being, you have the right to find out who you are.

Edit: (again)

posted January 18, 2015 11:22 AM            

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Originally posted by venus2tinkerbell:
I don't know...Since you're Bengali, maybe you can do it. Move out, I mean. Although all the pressure is there, I have found Bengali families less likely to break when a daughter decides to go her way. Especially when you compare them to families from Pakistan, Afghanistan, and many Arab cultures (especially Yemeni). Sorry for the generalizations.

My brother married a British-Bengali girl. Before they even met she moved out of her family home in London, and got an apartment. She really struggled with her family about it, but in the end, she convinced them that she was doing what was right and healthy for her, and they decided they didn't want to lose her. THEN she married my brother, and we are not Bengali. We're a weird Panamanian-Cherokee-Haitian-Yahud (European Jew) hybrid, so you know what that meant! Major drama (!), even though my brother was born Muslim and is hafiz of Quran! Anyway, she took the hard road, and in the end her family accepted her decisions, after many threats and tears. And she ended up paving the way for her younger sisters to make their own decisions too. I hope it can work out for you that way, but you'll have to be brave, and you'll have to put sincerity and finding yourself above everything else. As a human being, you have the right to find out who you are.

Edit: (again)

One thing about my sister-in-law is she confronted her father. I think although he tried to control her, in the end he knew he could trust her because of her honesty. He knew that if she was brave enough to be honest with him, she was brave enough to be honest with herself. But you know your family best.

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posted January 18, 2015 04:29 PM            

But for what it's worth I sympathized as I read and watched Persepolis as I felt similar sometimes growing up in the East Texas Bible Belt (aka "Behind the Pine Curtain"). Some of the local Texans wished Texas was a lot more like Iran (churches even bragged when bomb threats canceled an Ozzy concert back in the 80s though an uncle told me that a sure way to get Texans mad over that was to say something like "why should Muslims get all the fun" and this was described to me because they were trying to impress on me the seriousness of my being called a Satanist and why I shouldn't treat those calling me that like the idiots they were by "confirming" it).

Still, we live in a country with laws that even the strictest religious fundies has to abide (unless they want the feds to come in, and after the massacre at Waco most churches realized they weren't the martyr type after all but worried they'd be next--but then many always thought the Antichrist was going to come for them next Thursday anyway--and I recall my Dad saying at the time that "feds and fanatics killing each other is a win-win" along with having some lottery at work going on over how many would die on both sides in the siege, he was angry because he lost on guessing how many more feds would get planted as I think he had a hundred bucks on it and only needed one more to win). Despite that life behind the Pine Curtain wasn't anywhere as harsh as Iran there was a similar tone at times that made me relate to Marjane Satrapi (while growing up) and I was outspoken like her which did get me into trouble (unlike her no one had to get me out of the country to keep me from being killed, OTOH I was forced to flee for being so different to avoid being tortured in the panic immediately following the Columbine shooting).

posted January 19, 2015 03:43 AM            

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Originally posted by Anisa:
Did your sister in law still follow Islam while she was going through those obstacles??

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I would have to say; technically, no. I know she didn’t wear hijab. I doubt she prayed Salaah regularly. Now it’s harder to know if she dated, and drank. I know she threw herself into her work in the poor neighborhoods of London, where she worked specifically with the Muslim immigrant population. This is her passion, so I’m not sure if she really needed much more until she eventually met my brother.
And actually Anisa, I think this is where I can see the possible results of natal placements. They could certainly factor into a person’s decision to continue living with their parents, or leave, and how they live out “stay” or “leave”. But with me and my sister-in-law, I think placements could demonstrate the difference in what we did with the freedom once we left. Because my decisions were different.
I have a number of challenging placements. You can take your pick.

(being honest)

Born Muslim, I married a devout Christian at 19. I read the Bible no less than 10 times before I read the Quran. I had a dream that Isa a.s. baptized me, and after that I began to read the Quran……..But then I needed to break away from the man (my husband). To break away from him I took a job. The kind of work that makes a husband tell his wife he’s leaving because if he stays he’ll kill her. I explored that industry. Then I checked out for 3 years. Checked out in a good way. I went home. At home, nature healed me. I didn’t have to do much thinking or figuring out because although my decisions were shocking and extreme to the people who knew and loved me, they were my truth in the moment. But I was tired, and had sustained injury (emotional) and needed healing. So I went home.
Some pretty intense things happened while I was home, but for the most part I started evaluating what I had learned and what it meant to me and my life path (future). The story of my choices does go on. I’ll stop here. But you can see the difference in our choices.

My suggestion for you going forward…
You know how Muslims are always saying we need to take the culture out of Islam in order to follow the true religion? Well I am going to advise you to see all of Islam as culture except for the parts of it that represent true Love for you personally. The parts of Islam that represent true love, hold them dear to your heart and explore them and build on them. The rest, that you don’t understand, or can’t embrace, let it go, but let it go by thinking of it as part of your (family’s) culture rather than what your parents have told you is the only path to enlightenment. Don’t think of it as the latter, and there’s no need to reject doing the small things to comfort your parents. When you make it your culture it is easier to acquiesce to your parents. You are appeasing them on a superficial matter, not your heart and life’s meaning. Your heart and life’s meaning is a separate matter that you are exploring independently.

(I’ve got to mother you or big sister you just a bit here)

Your moving out is going to cause your parents a lot of pain and they will be very fearful. You’re right that they are probably caught up in appearances, but that is not the only thing going on with them. All parents, Muslim or not, go through a lot of pain and worry when their children grow up and claim independence. After you make your decision and you tell them, be forgiving of them for what they do and say. When you are on the path to finding your truth, you should be grateful that you are conscious enough to want to be on that path. And, in turn, you should always show compassion to (have compassion for) those that don’t understand. Go quietly and confidently, and make sure they know you will always love them and want them to be in your life. If you move out, and your parents can accept it, don’t forget that they are giving you a chance to show them you are responsible and mature. After leaving, you can establish some space between you and your parents, but when you go to be in their home and company, be compassionate toward your parents. Do the little things. Choose your battles. Moving out is your first big battle. And you next battle worth fighting might be about the marriage proposals that they’re getting for you. That depends on your family, of course, and if they maintained connection back home. Anyway, something to do with marriage is likely to be next. If you decide to bring them a prospect that would not be a traditional choice for your family, just make sure you bring them someone good and worthy of you- not by their standards but by your own high standards. Be able, to defend what you’re doing and who you are doing it with. About dating, if you were older I would tell you to hold out on involving your parents until you are serious, but the truth is you are an 18 year old young woman. It’s really dangerous to go out and meet people at any age, so responsible people have to know what you’re doing. For me, my designated responsible thinkers are my sister and my friends, but I’m 35 (and honestly they’ll never know everything I do for fun, but I try to stay safe. I did some very unsafe things in my life and I am lucky to be alive). Me and my designated thinkers, we’ve all been through a lot and learned a lot. At our age, our parents who were once the responsible thinkers, take a backseat- and do so without concern. But at 18, who other than your parents would be your responsible thinkers? That’s a sincere question to you. It’s not about Islam. It’s about your life (living). Be mindful of the dating scene. Dating in high school is much safer, because if your parents don’t know what’s going on, there are a bunch of other witnesses to your high school romance. Outside of high school you’re still very free and youthful, but sometimes before you get a sense of how big the world is, it can swallow you up. I know high school isn’t safe, but the wide world isn’t safer. You mentioned drugs and alcohol. I wasn’t safe with drugs and alcohol, but it’s so dangerous not to be. Again, I am lucky to be alive, and lucky I wasn’t raped a few times.

What I loved was what you said about being a seeker (my term). That’s beautiful. Be a seeker. I love Buddhism too. You should read ‘Siddhartha’, by Hermann Hesse. I need to pick that book up again too. Before Siddhartha I was reading Carlos Castaneda, ‘The teachings of Don Juan’. There’s something in everything. In the West we have easy access to Buddhism and Sufism- Sufism not only of Islam, but of Christianity. One of my favorite movies is ‘The Island’. It’s worth your time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ms4TXwIDutM. The movie isn’t directly related to our conversation, but it is a beautiful story about how individual the path to Love can and should be. And how when you take your true path to Love you have a real impact on the hearts and lives of others.

I really believe that in this sense my placements do describe what my initial challenges were/are, why I would have likely had some of the fascinating life experiences I have had, what I can do with that experience and what I fail to do with that experience, and finally what my ultimate readable potential is. Anisa, you can and probably already do use astrology to learn about yourself and your needs, weaknesses, strengths. You can use that knowledge to help yourself in general, prepare yourself, set really beautiful and exciting long term goals. You know that… but also the ability to identify (“planet sq. plane”) your weaknesses helps you to be aware of them and address them head on. You know that…

I’m overdoing it. This is very long