posted May 28, 2015 11:07 AM            

My mother wasn't the best nor very nurturing, but she once told me that success is the best revenge. And that's all been my mantra for most of my life, as far back as I can remember.

A lot of my motivations in life stem down to wanting:
1) Success (as revenge against people who have hurt/bullied me in my childhood)
and
2) Power (and I will never have enough of it. I crave power more than anything in the world.)

Recently, I've been more self-reflective, and realized that I harbor a lot of deep psychological barriers against others (i.e. never answering questions completely, dropping off the grid, being vague, etc) while practicing emotional manipulations so subtle that I can't even transcribe my actions properly. I tell myself that no one really gets hurt per se -- very few people understand me deep down inside nor really know me as well as they think they do -- but I've realized that a lot my subconscious and conscious "brooding" has lead me down a very lonely path. Or perhaps, I was always meant to feel a little too lonely yet a little too exposed.... Never quite secure enough. Never in enough control. Never too powerful. Never too strong. And I've fed into it.

But who knows. Maybe I'm just thinking dramatically because it's Thursday and I'm bored.

posted May 28, 2015 11:16 AM            

Also my mother wasn't nurturing at all, seems to be common amongst scorpio mooners to have went through childhood harshly.

posted May 28, 2015 11:20 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by zirr1:
I understand. I am a scorpio moon who practices revenge in a more subtle way. Its not even that I see it as revenge, but for example if I break up with someone i'll make an extreme effort to look my best so that they regret. I suppose that is revenge? I also feel lonely, I isolate myself and stop people from seeing who I am inside, this has made me forget who I am inside too, though.

Also my mother wasn't nurturing at all, seems to be common amongst scorpio mooners to have went through childhood harshly.

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posted May 28, 2015 11:22 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by ElizabethO:
I don't think many of us really had a childhood -- a time of innocence and rosy-eyed wonder and discovery. My mother made sure to put all of the horrible things in life on a plate for me and made me eat it all for supper...

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posted May 28, 2015 12:09 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by zirr1:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by ElizabethO:
[b] I don't think many of us really had a childhood -- a time of innocence and rosy-eyed wonder and discovery. My mother made sure to put all of the horrible things in life on a plate for me and made me eat it all for supper...

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posted May 28, 2015 12:32 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by ElizabethO:
What's your rising sign? I have Scorpio Moon in the 1st House (with Pluto) and Sun in the 9th.

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posted May 28, 2015 12:33 PM            

I just came home to myself by discovering I have Pluto parallel the Sun and Moon, which is essentially a Scorpio Sun and Moon.

I am very loyalty oriented. I give it and expect it.

If people mess with me, they will pay.

I am thinking that I should not be doing this anymore and just pray for them

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posted May 29, 2015 08:38 PM            

Congratulations on these important realizations. You're not 'just thinking dramatically'. You're being honest with yourself.

Parents are frequently a source of bad advice. No person driven by revenge in any form is ever actually successful. They've let the negativity of others fuel their decisions and direction, which puts the attention off of the inner intuitive, supportive voice of spiritual guidance. That is actually to not be in control -- at all.

However, I can relate to what you are describing. In my teens I felt very similar things, not feeling accepted, feeling actual rejection, and it drove me to want to be successful, a winner to 'show them.' Yet I accomplished nothing that way.

Certainly, we each are free to act upon our own worthiness in life. But no one else's low opinion or rejection of us actually defines us. These are things to let go of, so we can move on. They say something about them, the abusers, not about us.

Real success is defined internally, an inside job. The other fake stuff is for show for those whose self-esteem has gotten hung up on what others have aimed at them.

Craving power is an indication of mental/emotional imbalance. We can hide it if we want, but if we are honest enough with ourselves, we know it prevents inner peace and provides an unhealthy fuel for our lives.

Evil is created when we choose power over Love (believing they are separate).

This comes from the consciousness that to love is to want to be liked, leaving us vulnerable. So long as 'love' = 'vulnerable' or 'weak', we will understandably choose power, even if in our own thoughts. The beginning of real wisdom is to choose Love, which means equality, fairness, understanding, patience -- at every opportunity in which one-upmanship or dominance presents itself, knowing that it will return to us in kind.