posted May 05, 2019 02:34 PM            

So so sorry for the late reply, I only saw you made this post a couple of days ago when I was searching for a specific topic which I once commented on (almost started crying when I saw your post because I never expected something like this and thought this was too cute <3 No one in real life ever asks how/where I am). I'm not even sure anymore if I saw the answers to my post which you mentioned or if I saw it and simply didn't react to them.. Anyhow I stopped using my laptop (where my account's password was saved) and sometime after that stopped using this forum altogether because I felt oftentimes there were useless discussions/fights or just not really providing the answers I was looking for, so I turned more towards just reading about astrology and no more exchanges via forums.
Anyway, nowadays I'm doing fine-ish. The last couple of years have been *extremely* tough with 2017 being the worst of them (if only I had know how bad the next years would turn out to be..). There was so much death around me, I honestly don't know how I survived this year but somehow I did (barely).
The situation about which I posted did not improve at all unfortunately but I grew immensely during those years and nowadays I just kind of accepted how it is. Also my health fortunately improved greatly which made me deal with the entire situation much better. I'm not running after people who don't give a damn about me or stay in "friendships" which only take and drain me. I'm also not trying to force anything, instead I cherish the people who like me for who I am at heart which happen to only be my mum and one of my sisters but I am extremely grateful for these two! I'm currently living with my mom and we hold on to each other tightly because both of our best friends (which we loved immensely) died suddenly and people in the family started cutting ties with her just like they did with me, for no apparent reason really and a lot of misunderstandings which the other parties have no interest in resolving.
My mother finally had the courage to leave the evil, abusive creature she has been together with for almost 50 years (my dad) after he almost beat both her and me to death. Almost no one in the family believes this actually took place because he is a surgeon (what reason is that?) and they respect him very much, even though they knew what was going on all these years. Some people in the family have even started going after us. ??? Back in the days I would have been hurt and extremely angry by such an action by a family member but nowadays I just say "**** it!" and I'm just kinda glad they show their ulterior motives towards me so clearly so that I can cut them out of my life without any regret. Being a family member of mine does not give anyone the right to treat me like this.
It has been very freeing not having to see my father anymore but I also underestimated how hard the whole situation would be/how much work. There is immense guilt even though we are the victims and the first couple of days after that last beating took place my mom and me were very depressed and crying a lot. I finished my studies right before New Years but I've been so busy just building up my mom and me mentally and to run our house that I did not have the energy to even go and search for a job. Right now we are much better mentally and dealing much better with everything but there are gonna be a lot of court hearings concerning who of my parents will get to have our house and stuff like that. So still quite a bumpy road ahead but I'm sure in two years I will maybe even laugh at this.

Love-wise it's quite frustrating right now, though. Can't handle that situation so well somehow. There was a school reunion and I JUST CAN'T STOP thinking about this guy I almost once had a thing with. We were both SO SO SO into each other right before we graduated but much too shy to act on anything (and I was too insecure as well). We live in the same country but he lives in another part and moved back to that part after graduation (the school is located where I am from and currently living there again). We kept in touch after that via internet, phone calls, post cards but I think I kinda blew it when moved abroad and fell in love with a woman for the first time in my life (I'm one as well in case this hasn't been clear ) who I couldn't be with because she was teaching a course at the university I was studying in. I told him about her and how I felt as I wasn't doing very well (he had told me about his first and only girlfriend as well but only ever after they ended it), he told me I was probably just horny which I got kind of angry at. After that, there were only occasional happy birthday messages if at all.
Anyway, usually, if I'm physically separated from the a person I like a lot or even love, my - let's say - self-preservation kicks in and the liking/love for this person wears off after a while. It's been 7 months now and I think about him day and night. If I manage to not think about him, my subconscious plays tricks on me and lets me dream about him. I've grown so much and there are so many things I want to tell him but I don't really know how since I'm not entirely sure if he is currently in a relationship or not, otherwise I would probably go for it more (I don't wanna be the person to break two people up). I think that I realised he is the only person I have ever really truly loved, I cry a lot about it :/