posted October 17, 2015 09:08 PM            

Our friendship was short lived, only a few months. I met her in a medical setting (she is my dental hygienist), spending about 6+ hours with her and instantly, felt such a bond to her, something I've never felt before. My feelings at first are akin to a “straight girl crush.”

I reached out to her on facebook, shower her with compliments, admitting that I admire her and had a straight girl crush on her, and she agrees to build a friendship with me.

The only time she really only makes any effort, is when I'm leaving. Then she reels me back in.
She controlled everything about our interaction, the method of our interaction, when/where we'd hang out and what we would do.

She'd feed me these lil' white lies that I would catch when things didn't make sense or she'd contradict herself. It was odd. It was usually to excuse herself from a texting/FB messenger conversation, but she always added detail to it.

The last time I try to end the friendship (my gut has been telling me to get out, since the very beginning, but I don't listen to it), I block her on FB, and thank her for her time while I ask her not to contact me, as I think she's only doing it to be nice to me. She does anyway, via e-mail and turns the tables around on me. She explains "my friends are lucky if they get to see me 2-3x's per year...if THEY are lucky" and repeats that statement a few times. She alludes to her busy schedule (which doesn't turn out to be quite true, but oh well) and says "I told you I was a bad friend. I'm the kind of friend who you will get to connect with a few times a year, so if you can handle that, then I'm in."

Then I feel awful. She ends the e-mail with telling me that the ball is in my court and she's waiting to hear back from me.
I reply to her that I understand and agree, but she rebuffs me. "No, no, don't answer yet." She says. I sink to my lowest point and beg, "please?" She had just told me it was up to me.
She tells me she's going to bed and it takes her an hour to get ready. Again, I beg for her friendship, admit to tearing up, and offer my unconditional friendship.

Five minutes later, she just replies with "sure."
She then says that I won't hear from her again until the night before we hang out, because that's how she is. At this time, I had sent her a FB friend request, but coincidentally, she doesn’t approve it until I send her an email, basically saying we’ll do things her way and I just want her to be a part of my life. After, she accepts the the friend request immediately.

We hang out and after, I apologize to her for unfriending her w/o talking to her first. She cuts me off (we're walking around a mall at this point), lowers her voice and says through practically gnashed teeth "you. need. to. stop. apologizing. ugh!" and she shakes her head like she's shaking it off. Her voice returns to normal and she says "So how was your weekend?" And it throws me for a loop. I've never been spoken to like that.

A week or so later, I FB message her a link to a movie we both want to see and she says "ha ha looks funny, how about we hang out on 9/25 and walk around the mall?"
At that point, 9/25 is five weeks away and I already know she doesn't want to talk at all between, suggesting “don't bother me until I see ya or until I feel like texting you."
For a new friendship, it's like hitting the reset button each time and my husband voices his displeasure about how I am allowing myself to be treated and how submissive I’m acting, when I’m usually not like that.

Anything I want to do, is pretty much dismissed in this “friendship”.

A few weeks into September, I'm tired about worrying about texting her and just say screw it, I'm gonna say hello to her.

I say "hi woman, I just wanna say hi and ask how was your weekend?"
She replies with white lies, unprompted.

"Hi, my laptop took a sh-t and my tablet is so slow, so haven't been on Facebook at all. My weekend was good. So how about we meet at noon on 9/25? We can walk around the mall."

And I feel done. And stupid. She's lying again, when I'm not even prodding her about it.

She was on Facebook, because we were on at the same time and she was liking pics she was tagged in and they were popping up in my news feed. Plus, I didn't even ASK her about that. Why reply with that? At that point, I feel like this friendship isn't worth cultivating. She lies, things aren't adding up for certain things, this means way too much to me and nothing to her, she's controlling everything, and there doesn't seem to be much upside. My husband, knowing the entire story, tells me that he thinks I should walk away and disengage completely.

That night, I cancel our hang out and ask her to just hit me up when she has more time for a conventional friendship. Without a word, she unfriends me 20 minutes later, but doesn't block me.
Everyone in my life agrees, she knows you're going to come back...you begged her last time.
Two weeks later, I'm flip-flopping on my decision and a friend (who doesn't know the entire story) says "meh, just talk to her and see what's up."

I text her. Nothing. The next day, I e-mail her. Nothing. Another day, nothing. She's giving me the silent treatment. Now I'm desperate.
I ask her to rethink her decision and tell her to at least think about it until Oct. 9th, around my birthday.

My husband and close friend stop me and say "you're letting this woman decide what do with you? She left. She doesn't want to be in your life and you're giving her two more weeks to decide what she should do with you? She's giving you the silent treatment because she knows what this means to you and she's punishing you. Have some self esteem and walk away from this. It isn't healthy."

So I do.

I send her one final FB message, wishing her luck and she'll always be in my prayers and I just want for her to be happy. And with that, I block her from both me and my husband's facebook profiles. And my family says that I've been way too nice and a pushover.

Nearly two weeks later, I go on facebook, and I receive a facebook friend request from the office manager at her office, but when I go on FB, it's retracted, suggesting they sent it accidentally. Other "different" things are happening on Facebook, so to make a long story short, it seems like she's telling higher-ups at her office about me, including a handsome young doctor (who she mentioned a few times to me). I show my husband and close friend and they agree that she's PROBABLY throwing me under the bus to those specific people, to garner sympathy. Or using these people to spy on my facebook, as she's blocked.

If this is the case, I'm sure she's lying. Certainly she isn't telling them that I wished her the best AND blocked her on facebook.

On 10/9, the day that I had previously asked her to think about it until, I receive a facebook password reset request. I did not send that. Oddly enough, she's the only person with that e-mail address, I even double checked to make sure. Strange. She's the only person with that e-mail + it's the day that I asked her to think about it until.

Now, with both of those things combined, I'm worried. To hack my facebook, she'd also have to hack my e-mail but that wasn't done. Was she trying to get me to come back?
This woman is all about control. Everything she's done has been w/her in control, so I don't think she'll ever reach out to me on her own, make herself vulnerable and give up that control.

But why reset the password? Was it to remind me that it was the day she was supposed to reconsider her decision? Get me to try and reach out and then show those people in her office, getting more attention for herself?

All I wanted was to have a friendship with this woman I admired so much. All she wanted was the control...I just couldn't see that. I didn't want to believe that.

posted October 17, 2015 09:16 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by lalalinda:
Hello caligal2015! Welcome to LL

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posted October 17, 2015 09:20 PM            

Forget what she's up to. What do you want? If it's peace of mind, let that one go and realise that you can't "balance out" everybody.

The longer you do the back and forth, the more she will continue to try and push your tolerance boundaries.
Draw your line and stick to it - otherwise she's going to continue to run rings around you and attempt power plays.

Good luck X

posted October 17, 2015 09:23 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by ikja:
I skim read (so I might have missed some detail).

Forget what she's up to. What do you want? If it's peace of mind, let that one go and realise that you can't "balance out" everybody.

The longer you do the back and forth, the more she will continue to try and push your tolerance boundaries.
Draw your line and stick to it - otherwise she's going to continue to run rings around you and attempt power plays.

Good luck X

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posted October 17, 2015 09:27 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by caligal2015:
Sadly, I think I want the answers that she will never give me...so that's how I ended up here.

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posted October 17, 2015 10:02 PM            

Thank you for your posts. I guess I am rather naive and never been in a one-sided anything, let alone something like this. I've never had a friendship with someone so controlling.

And I'm also very, very hurt because I deeply admired this woman. I need to accept I will not get answers, ever. It's certainly a learning experience for me.

posted October 17, 2015 10:02 PM            

quote:

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She explains "my friends are lucky if they get to see me 2-3x's per year

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I've had so many problems with air-sign people in the past because they feel neglected in conversation, when I am quite literally busy. There is nothing else to read into it.
Some people take this very personally though - and they interpret every little thing.

I deleted my facebook, because I have no desire to interact with people in that setting - so that they wonder why I liked or didn't like their photos and what my motivation is for replying to a message in 2 hours time, rather than right away - or whatever else... I find this really silly.

posted October 17, 2015 10:04 PM            

quote:

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Get off of facebook if you want a true friendship.

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posted October 17, 2015 10:38 PM            

It wasn't the time that was involved that was my issue. It was that she had to have 100% control of everything.

She also expected me to do all the leg work. "If you want to see me, then invite me to dinner." So I have to do all of the work in every regard, but she gets all of the control as far as our interaction, method of interaction, what we're going to do, when, etc. She would never invite me anywhere, as that wasn't my role. My role was to reach out to her and then she respond with when/where/what/etc.

I've never had a friend like that in my life. New territory for me.

As far as the "my friends are lucky to see me...if THEY are lucky", it was multiple comments like this that suggested she's above everyone else.
"I can be a friend to YOU", "THEY are lucky", etc. that were said enough times, it was ingrained in my mind and how I saw her.

It was just that every single thing had to be on her terms. I've never had a friendship like this. Some friends I communicate with once a week, once a month, etc. It just depends, but I've never had anyone dictate terms to me before.

Even the texting. When she feels like it, we text back and forth like BFF's, but otherwise when I initiate, very cold and aloof. When she does it, it catches me so off-guard, I don't even know if I'm "allowed to respond." LOL. Wow, I can't believe I really felt that way.

Everything was what she wanted. I wanted a casual friendship, that may consist of coffees together or lunch, seeing as though we both have the same work days, hours, lunch times and three day weekends, but when I suggested it, it was shot down. Never what she wanted. So even the "if you want to see, just invite me somewhere" line wasn't completely true. It was "invite me somewhere and I'll get back to with what I feel like doing."

My mistake was giving up control more and more. That's when my husband stops me and says this is getting borderline abusive. No one should have that much power in any type of relationship.
That, and how she scolded me for apologizing.

I always felt it was 100% her way or the highway.

And the white lies. Impossible to build a foundation of a friendship based on arbitrary lies.

What got me stuck in the mire was the addiction of the "I'm leaving", "no stay" that we both engaged in. It's def tough to quit.

posted October 17, 2015 10:55 PM            

No, I would never treat or control anyone as much as she did with me.

quote:

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Originally posted by llewsacm:
Start asking yourself what you admire and why? Would you want to treat your friends in this manner? Certainly not I hope. It could be a plutonian force at work somehow.

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posted October 17, 2015 11:18 PM            

quote:

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Even the texting. When she feels like it, we text back and forth like BFF's, but otherwise when I initiate, very cold and aloof.

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From my perspective... obviously if I message someone first, or ask them to go out with me - that means I have *time* (at that particular point). So if they message back or want to hang out with me - I'll have the ability to spend time with them.

Whereas, if they are the ones to message me first - I could be doing *anything* at that moment... I could be at work, at Uni, doing a presentation, writing on a paper.. I could be with my love or another friend or family... So I might not reply at all, if I'm busy with something else.

quote:

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I wanted a casual friendship, that may consist of coffees together or lunch, seeing as though we both have the same work days, hours, lunch times and three day weekends, but when I suggested it, it was shot down. Never what she wanted.

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Hmmmm Aries people can be introverts... which means sometimes being around other people deflates them. And they can also be social rebels (similar to Aquarius) in the sense that they might not want to do the typical things people do - like coffee and lunch.

This is actually a classic thing for Aries and Libra - to disagree over. Libra people love socialising, sharing stories over coffee, chit-chatting etc. This makes Librans happy.
Aries tends to find these social things a bit annoying and tedious.

posted October 17, 2015 11:34 PM            

Thank you for your insight.

Yes, the friendship is over.

The strangest thing is that the odds are it was her who attempted to reset my Facebook password. She was the only one who knows that e-mail address and it was the very day I asked her to think it over until. Of the 6 years on Facebook, I've never had a password sent to me that wasn't done by me. And on that very day I gave her. I don't think she was trying to hack it, though, but the exact reason escapes me.

I wish it was different, but yes, too much damage has been done. Sad, there aren't too many individuals who I truly want to befriend as I get older.

posted October 18, 2015 10:13 AM            

About the email connected to your FB account, does your husband have it?
It sounds like he was very worried about you, so maybe he wanted to check whether you are still in touch with her. Or would he not do that?
I was suspecting this because, you also told him that you gave her until your birthday to get back to you. Maybe he was concerned that she would pull you back in... and wanted to block her or delete her messages, before she gets to you? Is this too far-fetched?

posted October 18, 2015 11:11 AM            

No, it wasn't the hubby. She is the only one who knows that particular email, as its directly linked to my FB and I had just changed it the month before to that email, because my regular email had 60K emails, lol.

posted October 18, 2015 11:18 AM            

I don't think she was going to try to hack it, because it was that particular day. That exact day I gave her.

The way I phrased it was, "think about it until October 9th and if want to give this a sincere try at a friendship, look me up."

Then that happened. Never happened before, hasn't happened since.

I don't know. I dont get it.
I've since changed the email address my Facebook is associated with.

posted October 18, 2015 11:36 AM            

Then, the friendship came on her terms.

Also, I noticed she seemed to take on my personality as the friendship progressed. She mirrored/mimicked some of the way I speak and write. It made me wonder "is this really who she is?"
On one occasion, when we are texting back and forth, she will not allow the subject to remain on her, so she keeps changing the subject at the very end. It was really noticeable...I've read about Pisces moons wriggling out of situations they don't like. Is that accurate?

When I tell her this (I joke around a lot), I say:
Wow, you change the subject a lot. Someone has a lot of sh-t to hide! Lol j/k j/k
She replies, "no way man!! I'm an open book!!! I took the day off to take my son to the dentist!"

posted October 18, 2015 12:52 PM            

Here is one chart

posted October 18, 2015 12:54 PM            

Here is another chart: http://i1006.photobucket.com/albums/af190/caligal15/5B4CDD7C-231C-4BAB-83AE-4830DFD7158D_zpso9bciz9e.jpg

posted October 18, 2015 02:41 PM            

My sister is Libra sun and I remember when she frustrated with her friendship with other females in her group. She has no scorpio in her chart, so she never mentions about controlling, suspiciousness, distrustness (lying), etc, behaviors about her friends. (I think it's about venus thing when in relationship/friendship to others)

What I know is, she is too caught up in friendship thing. She has this "ideal things" about friendship (not to mention she puts people in the box) and when she finds out her friends behaviors are not like her ideal of friendship, she becomes disappointed but STILL manages to be friends with them until she finds there is no reason she will hangout with them anymore, this is the time when she tries to find self-righteousness to other people, so she doesn't feel bad to cut the friendship and it is the right thing to do because she is always nice and other people are not as nice as her, because she was born in the house of friendship and in the symbol of scales (need a looooong time to decide, like she needs in the court several times until she meets the final decision), right?

I remember I told my sister that, she need to self-correction first (not self-righteousness, because there is two side of the story) as why her friends did like what she said to me, then she need to speak to her friends as what did she feel about their behaviors not avoided the confrontation (this when you can find the double-face of Libra sun, they don't like you but still manage to like you - some people say kind of "diplomatic" - because they hate confrontation, the opposite of Aries).

I told her, if she wanted a friendship and wanted it to be last and there's an issue, confronted them in their face not confronted them in the back (if you can listen the story it's more subjective rather looking for an objective solution), it was like badmouthing because she still managed to be liked or made a peace to them while she knew the friendship had not been good for her anymore, at the same time, she made other people to become an enemy to her friends. If she didn't like them and hated confrontation, just ended the friendship. End of the story.