posted March 15, 2016 09:36 AM            

I look at the people around me and of course everyone has dealt with their own trauma but it seems like they can be loosely divided into two groups. There's those that are willing to 'embrace the darkness' whether currently or one day and self analyse and those that sit in the camp where they don't want to ever ever ever deal with it, shove it down. And just be.

But of course 90% of communication is non-verbal so you, or at least I, can see what they're really saying rolling off of them which is helpful on the compassion front but at the same time I don't know. It would be rough and hard and dark but at the end of it it will be so beneficial.

posted March 15, 2016 09:53 AM            

Maybe heavy air and fire what? Deny and shove it down, or embrace and self-analyze? I'd say embrace and analyze, as I've done, though I have some heavy Pluto aspects, and in any case I'm sure my Scorpio Jupiter helps (with most of my air and fire stellium sun and planets on the Scorpio cusp). Fire (especially Sag fire) gives me the strength to do so while Air gives me plenty of ability to sort through and analyze.

posted March 15, 2016 04:03 PM            

quote:

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Dunno, kinda a stream of consciousness here, but maybe heavy air and fire? I've noticed a lot of my scatter chart mates are like that. Very deny deny deny till they die

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I have a splash chart with a planet in each of the air and fire signs.

I think I don't get weighed down by things the way some other people do. Air planets are great for ventilation, riding the winds of change, moving along.

posted March 15, 2016 04:10 PM            

I get up every day. I get out of the house. Take supplements. Try to meditate. I can't hold a grudge, so I'm constantly thrown between getting along with certain people briefly, and then being thrown back into what's still happening.

I do not scream like a banshee. I don't hide my feelings - nobody can say, "if only she'd talked about it."
Although there is no point in talking about it: people who care can't help as much as they would like, and people who don't care and don't like you, will use it as another reason to attack you. I'm not wallowing, but I am honest about what I'm feeling. At the moment, I'm still working to heal my stomach. But other things in life feel utterly pointless. I'm not going to hide that. Not anymore.

posted March 15, 2016 04:26 PM            

I know my own issues. I know myself. I know what I've dealt with, and what everyone else needs to deal with, too. I wanted to go into therapy with them, to stop the toxic rubbish, because I couldn't understand what was happening, and I loved them, and wanted things to get back to normal. **** , now I'm crying again.

Saturn was opposed my Aries Sun/Chiron/Ceres/Mercury, from my 12th, when I was asking my sister to get therapy with me. Saturn was conjunct my ascendant when I thought we were all going to start going to therapy together, and felt relieved, only to find that it wasn't going to happen. I was the scapegoat, they wanted to sweep things under the rug - and still do. I was told by an aunt (and then insulted repeatedly) that it was water under the bridge, when it isn't.

So, whatever. That's a Capricorn getting away with murder, a Sadge wanting to sweep, an Aquarian, A Taurus... there are more.

Capricorn bullied, taunted, and beat up.
Sagittarius became an alcoholic (before this happened, but we almost lost her two years ago).
Taurus tried to get everyone to get along. He's the only one that I trust now. He knows exactly what happened.

Aquarius takes the side of whomever has the most social clout, spread gossip, and threw insults. Still does.
Other Taurus, encouraged Capricorn. Got away with stirring up everything in the first place.

posted March 15, 2016 04:40 PM            

You've chosen all my words and phrases. Are you feeling, once again, like I'm singling you out and my post was about you?

If you are, then know I didn't even think of you (too early). I was more thinking of those "emotional porn" talk shows where people on stage break down sobbing with talk shot host hugging the said person and the audience clapping. If someone is thinking of that when talking about embracing the darkness and self-analyzing, then I can see why they'd think fire and air are denial/avoidance as heavy fire & air wouldn't be inclined to that.

posted March 15, 2016 04:47 PM            

Still, I've seen a part of her that I think almost no one else has, possibly not even Dad (or maybe the reason she came to hate him so much is that she did show him that side and his cruel sense of humor stung her about it, usually when she screamed like a banshee for me to see it was in response to something he did or said). She never really showed me love or affection, at least not that I'd understand it as such, but when she and I lived alone she'd call me in and talk to me (letting me drink with her if I wanted) and she showed a side to me that let me know how deeply unhappy, even depressed, she was. Not that she'd ever admit it. There are songs that even to this day make me remember her playing those songs over and over again and filling me with that sense of bleakness (and for that reason I almost always change the station).

I suppose my mom would say I was the one in denial, after all I'm not anywhere as cynical as she is, nor do I normally expect the worst as she does, so she'd think I was intentionally blocking it out, much as I'd change the radio when one of those sad songs (the ones she loved) came on. Though she would SEEM to push it down, she does not, she recalls every pain vividly, she just normally won't let her self-control down (save when she's smashed), so she'd say she does not deny or avoid, but others easily fooled by appearances (no matter how sharp they say their intuition is) would probably not sense it, easily fooled by her mask.

posted March 16, 2016 12:15 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by teasel:
Well, relentless anxiety can't always be helped. Same with depression. I found an article recently that I relate to, in which the author admitted she will probably always feel suicidal, but she gets up every day.

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I agree, and this is a decision I made with my life as well.

posted March 16, 2016 10:45 AM            

Perhaps it's because I want to know all the answers. I want to know why people accused me of this or why this happened because of something I did. Not knowing drives me insane; I'd rather deal with the pain and know what I did wrong than receive fake happiness from trying to escape my issues.

posted March 16, 2016 03:45 PM            

***! embracing the darkness to ultimately heal and become a better person.

healthy way too! not drugs/alcohol/etc. self reflection, sitting with yourself and acknowledging things you've been hiding from yourself

(ie. yeah i do have PTSD - that took me 3 days and nights to pull myself together from.. just the realisation and acceptance. of course next step is doing something about it.) but that's what i'm talking about. i now know that i've been unconsciously recreating my family dynamics in my relationships trying to fulfill something or another and all it's been doing is hurting other people.

before this i thought the breakups were about 80% solely their fault. but i did contribute alot more. i just didn't realise it. avoiding the PTSD made me avoid my alternative manifestations of it.

now i'm looking to get help and treatment and broaden my horizons so i don't hurt anyone else with this.

sorry guys

i'm optimistic too in a macro sense. and i think that facing those demons, how ever you do so, its quite an optomistic thing as well. like the whole 'if you're going through hell keep going' because in doing so you're doing it with the faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

i'm refering to the gumption to do so. the difference between those that sit there and shove it down and know something's off and just rather be than face the challenge and those that batten down the hatches, decide to face whats going on, and do what they have to do to come out the other end.

i'm not referring to wallowing or any of that. that's part of the process. do what you have to do, sit and cry and be depressed about it, you will come out of it and get on with your life.

i'm talking about just pure denial.

so i thought maybe heavy fire - as in just keep trucking on with life and ignore it?

but @pixiejane you said you have a good bit of fire but maybe it's it working with those heavy pluto aspects?

maybe it's those pluto bits that are key?

i know jupiter is chatting with pluto at the moment

and jupiter is opposition my chiron, pluto conjunct my sun ... lets just say.. i wouldn't recognise myself from last month if i met her. cosmically i feel like the universe is like 'know how you were happy as you were and was shoving things down and burying it? yeah we're going to make everything surrounding you including the topics you study and people you meet all bring you back to these few things you're in denial about and blocked away.'

i am heavy plutonian as well, and jupiter in the 7th house natally so i noticed that alot of the mental travelling/analysing to get to the revelations are triggered by people coming into my life then walking out in like 3-4 days.

and yeah, i'm still in the middle of it.. it's been ******* hell. like crying and rocking myself in a ball in the shower every night cause something new pops up randomly thats triggers a whole new 'journey' but i spend my days happy as **** and so calm and content cause i feel so much comfortable about every new tweak i'm making in myself and my physical journey through life.

long way to go though, omg. but still so so much healing.

but yeah, my mum's heavy earth and fire, my dad's heavy water and fire... both = narcissistic personality disorder.