posted September 13, 2016 05:48 PM            

I have a very deep private problem and confusing feelings, please help to identify its nature and to find ways to heal them... Your insight and advice greatly appreciated!!!

Please take a look at my chart:

18 Sept 1992, 18:01 Kiev, Ukraine

I was abused emotionally, verbally and seldom physically by my father when I was a teenager. The thing is, my father really loves me and worked really hard to provide the best future for me and, moreover, these fights were nothing like the awful scenes that took place in his childhood... Now I got married, distanced from my family and we share really loving feelings with my father (unless we see each other more than 5 days in a row). I really have forgiven my father, it's just that i feel this eternal void inside me.
Every time after these fights with my father I felt so restless, so unworthy and really really bad. It seemed so unfair that I was denied of the birthright of fatherly love, acceptance and protection. I felt so desperate that the only thing that calmed me down was this fantasy that someday somebody will come, protect me and fulfil all the love that i was denied; and this seemed the only thing that I ever needed, and is to this day.
Time passed by and I was growing up sexually, and really haven't noticed how these 2 things interconnected: sex and feeling of security and complete acceptance.
Until now i have never experienced these feeling in real life outside these fantasies (once, however, was really close). I don't really feel protected by my husband although he is the best and really caring. I tried to share my problem with him, however he says that it is idealism.
Sexually wise, I can easily reach orgasm, but it's kind of physical, with no heart involved and not even half as great as with this fantasy of acceptance.

Is it my Mars in Cancer and Asc in Pisces?
Is it my Mars in Cancer square Sun?
Am I really too idealistic?
Shall I settle with my husband? (I am not really happy with him emotionally).
Does even people able to provide this kind of love that i dream of?

As to my Mars in Cancer, I never was attracted to "fathers", men older than me. Although I defiantly have a thing for young fathers, and soldiers lol.

posted September 13, 2016 05:55 PM            

I am kinda similar to you in a way about your father experiences although I wasn't abused i found out something which made me reflect and think that i was deprived as well. Now that i've gotten older and matured mentally and understood spiritual things more and the nature of existence, i couldnt have ever been deprived.

posted September 14, 2016 03:06 AM            

Anywho,it is not uncommon for the Pisces Asc to experience "Daddy issues". As Leo is on the 6th house cusp(challenges) usually and 9th house cusp being in Scorpio suggests the relationship with the Dad or teachers is likely to be quite intense.

Your 6th house cusp is Leo and this could suggest feelings that your father felt very much like an obstacle(6th)to you. Was he your father of your enemy? Why was he being so cruel to you? etc. Are things you probably asked yourself.

Jupiter rules your 9th house(not in Scorpio as is convention). So your attitude towards your teachers and gurus is that of a forgiving and often optimistic attitude.

This could be why you forgave your dad and made peace with whom he was. But the disagreements and feelings still haunt you even though you want to remain positive about your relationship.

The ruler of the 6th(Sun)is in the 7th and the ruler of the the 9th(Jupiter) is also in the 7th.

The 7th house is about our projection and what we want to gain from relationships , what we are willing to bring to the table and the feedback that we get from our instinctive actions(Asc).

It can also feel like we are in the court-house;constantly having to explain ourselves ,defend our actions and consider another persons point of views etc.

So with Sun,Jupiter and Mercury conjunct, you often feel like authority figures (and in this case your Dad) are your "open enemies"(7th). You are in constant exchange with them.

These people are teaching you(7th house projection)to have a stronger sense of self image(Sun)and confidence in the things you know(Jupiter) and learn(Mercury).

In your quest to resolve the conflict faced in the 7th, you could be motivated to further study, further adventure and experience(Mercury/Jupiter conjunct)to get answers to those illusive questions of trying to understand them(7th).

This may lead(inevitably)to a firmer sense of self and thus be able to stand your ground(Sun), know your own depth(Jupiter) and be very well versed(Mercury) in who you are.

But this is never complete in this lifetime and is in a constant state of "becoming". As is customary with its relationship with the Asc axis. So the work is never done.

The ruler of the 1st house is Neptune and is situated in the 11th. The need to belong and feel a part of something bigger than you is important to you.

This could be in the form of looking for binding friendships or associations that come together because of a shared ideal and thus become a "family" unit.

You are wanting to create a sense of family that is is not necessarily made up of blood ties but shared visions.A family of your choosing.

With Neptune in the 11th however and Uranus conjunct,it is not only difficult to clearly see what the definition of that is.But it is also challenging to maintain ties as the "unit" breaks up or the ideas that you have/associations that you want to become a part of,are constantly changing (Uranus).

The 11th has an in-conjunct relationship with the 4th house naturally. And it is interesting to see that though the ruler of the 1st is in the 11th, Mars(ego) is in the 4th.

Yes, Mars in 4th suggests that the home environment was tense and likely to not have been particularly tranquil(I have draconic Mars conjunct the IC and so I empathize).

The father(4th house association) may have played a huge role in that sense of domestic hostility. But now the question is how can one move on?

Perhaps it is this desire for a chosen idealistic family outside of blood ties(11th) that you strongly identify with(Asc) that will balance out the more aggressive tone of your early upbringing(4th house Mars ego).

But what usually happens psychologically(and especially with the 4th) is that whatever expression of care-giving(whetehr "right" or "wrong") given to us when growing up, becomes our psychological "blanket" from which we feel secure i.e this is all i have known

So with Mars in 4th, one may consciously seek either relationships that are turbulent,tense and violent in nature -because that s what they grew up knowing.

Or one can seek relationships where they are the vulnerable/victimised one and in need of someone that they believe is "strong", "brave"(Mars) and can protect them.

The nature of Mars is assertion so it is likely that in whatever form,the relationship will have a "martial" theme to it i.e "I love you and nothing and no-one will harm you(except me)" etc.

It is not surprising then that this sense of "protection" and masculine energy is what you find attracting in order to feel safe(4th). It is what you grew up knowing.

The ruler of the 8th house(Pluto)is in the 8th house suggesting very deep sexual needs and yearnings- stemming from a lack of affection.

I don't see conventional,subtle affection and expression as enough. Your husband and you should perhaps consider going to therapy to help uncover much of the deep seated fears and phobias you may have in relation to emotional intimacy.

If these are not addressed, Pluto in 8th house placement often speaks of someone who may even take on drastic measures in order to quell the emotional need for intimacy that they may have been long denied in a backward way i.e seeking pure physical sex or intimacy or using physical gratification as a drug to cope with repressed emotional longings.

It could also manifest as someone who developed kinks,fetishes and all sorts of complicated and sexually charged fantasies in order to feel "alive" or have an orgasm i.e role playing, uniform, beatings etc.

The problem is not the expression of these kinks. The issue is that the sex drive is high and the thirst is never ever fully satisfied so multiple sex partners (usually)are what the person believes is likely to be a probable outlet for these urges. With dangerous and mixed results.

The real need here is not so much for sex,but for intimacy as that is really what the orgasmic experience is in essence i.e the feeling of being completely enveloped in love.

So the external "buy you roses" type of intimacy will not do. But the kind that penetrates deeply the emotional needs of being protected(hence the fantasies) will definitely hit the mark

Your husband doesn't have to be a macho man/soldier . But you do have to feel that he has the "goods" and is emotionally resilient, deep and brave(Mars).

You have intercepted Aries/Libra on the Asc, Dsc axis and this could suggest feelings of spontaneous bursts of anger,frustration or irritation that is brought forward often in unexpected ways(Aries)

Or it could also suggest someone who avoids confrontations so much,that they bend over backwards to accommodate others. Even if it is to their own detriment(Libra)

In the end, both need attention. Because in the 1st, people may never tell what sets you off and in the 2nd, you can become increasingly resentful of the demands of others and start to push relationships away(to save yourself)

Your husband should take you more seriously. The fact that you don't feel safe with him suggests that you don't trust him to go with you on this journey.

Seek counsel on this and refrain from suppressing your "not-so nice" feelings for your father. Its OK to be mad at him, he was not nice to you. So there is justice for you through being honest at-least on this

If you do this, you will find a surprisingly more authentic relationship with yourself and even perhaps with him because he will finally know exactly where you stand relative to him and that how you treat you, is what is expected of him to treat you.

[Edit] Gosh, I have written a book .

I wanted to add the Chiron in Leo is in the 6th and Leo is affiliated with the father as well as the self(Sun).

So through and through,the issues with dad are painful and highlighted again and again in your chart.

What any position of Leo speaks of,is our own identity too.And in your case,the father and your identity are inextricably combined.

So if you make progress with yourself,you will gain further confidence from your father. As he will know that what he does and who he is, no longer affects you(just as I highlighted earlier)

posted September 14, 2016 10:32 AM            

Aries23Degrees, that definitely makes sense and I can see things definitely clear now. This was very enlightening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks a lot for your help!!!!!!!!!!!
Now there's so much work to be done yet...
As to Asc, maybe it's because in summer it's +3:00 UTC. And I look more like Pisces Asc, really.