posted July 07, 2017 06:49 PM            

Sunday, February 26, 2017
the astrofiend speaks project 1.B. Chiron in Leo in the 12th House: Feeling Invisible

I have Chiron in Leo Retrograde in the 12th House. This means my wounded healer (Chiron) is in Leo retrograde. It’s also in the 12th House.

I am realizing that all my life I wanted to be seen, to be heard, to be appreciated, to be included and to be noticed. I am also realizing I operate in the opposite of what I truly want. I have always hid myself, who I am, in fear of being seen, heard, appreciated, included and noticed. Cognitive dissonance at its finest.

The irony of everything is I have a Leo Ascendant. I’ve always seen myself as a confident, happy go lucky, and optimistic person. I still do. I never showed an ugly face in public, preferring to be happy, regal and proud. I always felt I was born with confidence and naturally confident (I have an exalted Sun conjunct Mercury in Aries after all). I still do feel this way. However this is ironic because my Chiron in Leo Retrograde (astro energy is directed inward) and my Leo traits are also my greatest sources of pain.

On top of this irony is even more irony. I have Mars conjunct Saturn in Aquarius. Which opposites my Leo Ascendant. Mars opposite Ascendant. Saturn opposite Ascendant. This means that while I presented and felt all these things my actions often went against my appearance, life outlook and how I saw myself. Aquarius is the opposite sign of Leo. Oppositions require balance.

As a kid I had all this confidence but over the years experiences and situations slowly sucked it all in and made me hide it. As years progress I retreated into myself more and more. I shrunk myself, made myself small to appease others and myself. As a child, I used all my fire Plutonian energy including the worst parts of this energy. That backfired & Junior High I decided to stop using them and try be as nice and under the radar as much as possible.

This is weird but in high school I started to think that my confidence was “wrong;” that everyone around me was insecure, so I needed to be insecure too. Now Mars in Aquarius is supposed to be all about being an individual in the community and that we are all equal. Undermining my Leo ascendant. Leo is proud, passionate, energetic, confident, and bold. Aquarius while still confident and bold is also detached, refined, and intellectual. Aquarius is more about sitting back and letting others do them.
I started to limit myself (Saturn) in Aquarius ways (Mars) through Aquarian traits like detachment, apathy, and indifference. By the way these are worst traits of Aquarius and represent the lower planes of Aquarian/Uranian energy. There are plenty of good Aquarian traits. Oppositions require balance

College years: Start of Depression and Delving Deeper in Astrology

I started my depression in college which also the same time I was delving deeper in astrology. In my depression closely resembles my Saturnian/Aquarian energy and my Chiron in Leo energy; a part that wants to fit in, hide, to make myself small in order to be part of the group. All the while secretly wanting and wishing to feel special and be seen, heard, appreciated, included and noticed. I didn’t like my college environment and population. I went to a college that was in a small, homogenous, suburban town; which is opposite of how I grew up in a BIG, multicultural hustle hard-grind hard urban city.

I had my ideas about what college was supposed to be and was expecting a passionate and creative environment. Instead this environment was one of mostly apathy and entitlement. For the longest time school was my identity and I placed all my energy, hopes and dreams into getting a good college. I didn’t give myself the time and space to really think about my future and my real dreams. In college I realized school wasn’t my identity and I had to find one (outside school).

While I was losing myself, I was also finding myself. Astrology made me (and still makes me) feel special and unique. It makes me feel connected; to myself, to others and to a higher power (more on that later). I guess this is my way of trying to use my Chiron in a more useful fashion.

The 12th House Mystery

Going back to my first statement I have Chiron in Leo Retrograde in the 12th House. The 12th House is a hidden, mysterious house that acts like both a prison and an escape tunnel.

I Feel my Chiron unconsciously/subconsciously. I hide my pain there but my pain is also an escape. Cancer rules my 12th House so the Moon rules my 12th House. AKA moon (emotions) are placed there. There is a lot of melancholy, isolation, retreating into emotional comforts, and mothering others’ emotions.

Depression is not always a bad thing. It gives me new found self-awareness, shatters illusions, and allows you to start over. The problem with all this is that you can stay in this self-awareness for too long and it turns into negative thinking, guilt/shame, and not taking responsibility for yourself or your choices. I am still on that negative thinking/guilt/shame part of my depression.

Through my depression I am more compassionate, empathetic and sensitive to others and their pains. I feel more comfortable enough to relate to others on an emotional level. I fear losing these parts of my identity that I created around and because of my depression.

Chiron in Leo Retrograde in the 12th House is similar to Chiron in Pisces. My Chiron wound often times put me in an existential crisis that makes things feel less real and like I don’t exist. My wound is still unclear to me, even though I’m narrowing in on it. IT wasn’t a specific event or moment that led to these feelings. More like a series of people, moments, feelings, and decisions that led me here. It feels new, like I just discovered this, but this has been going on for years, aka practically my whole life.

This is where the 12th House placement comes in more. This is/was all floating in my subconscious. It isn’t in your face, woe is me I am wounded, welp. In certain periods and times in my life there was more awareness of this wound. Now and so forth I am trying to make this a more active present “wound.” My wound present enough that I can clean it and wear more consciously. As Rumi states, “A wound is where the light enters.” In my case I have to be aware of the light that my wound provides.

Trans-personal Lesson

It’s not just me with this placement or feeling these feelings. People the same age as me have the same Chiron and Saturn placement; so I am sure there are a lot of others that want to be seen, heard, appreciated, included and noticed. BTW even without this placement or astrology I am 150% sure lots of people feel this way.

Chiron Retrograde in the 12th House in Leo is trans-personal, other-worldy and enigmatic. Its physical, metaphysical, conscious, subconscious, and all that hippy dippy **** . I guess a way to address and work around this wound is to hone, focus on and share your talents and what you love. Also to develop and honor your spirituality and spiritual systems. Doing all of this with pride, confidence, and fun.

By the way I am trying to heal my wound focus on my creativity and talents (like writing). Hence why I want to put this out there in this way.

Regardless since this is my trans-personal blog, I want to share and put this out there. Put it in the universe and activate the healing and life mission of my natal chart. And perhaps in yours. Thanks for reading.

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Hi everyone, I am blogger known as Astrofiend or @strofiend

Here’s my blog link:

http://theastrofiend.blogspot.com/

posted July 07, 2017 08:53 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by lalalinda:
Hello, Astrofriend! Welcome to LL

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Thank YOU!!!

posted July 07, 2017 10:00 PM            

My friend's brother is an Aries sun, venus in pisces, with moon conjunct pluto in scorpio. I don't remember where is his mars and he has chiron in Gemini.

He describes his brother as a volatile individual. Hold grudges and very stubborn, no one can tell him what to do. His brother has married at a young age and it goes intense within time. He now is living separately with his wife where their first child is living with him and their second child (newly born) is living with his wife in a different city. He doesn't want a divorce but also doesn't want to live with his wife, it has been two years since they live in a different (far away) city. He moved back to his parents house with his first child and has been not working since.

Even my friend doesn't really know what has really happened in her brother's relationship, he only knows that his brother starts beating his wife due to different opinions that she also as stubborn as him, she has Venus in scorpio and they have moon conjunct pluto in synastry. He also has intense moment with his brother, so their relationship is kind of not warm due to both of them still hold grudges to each other (he has moon in Leo).

So, one time I was visiting his home in the morning with a friend. He introduced us to his mom and dad, except his brother. His parents also didn't try to introduce him to us. As we were having dynamic conversation, laughing in his living room, I saw his brother were passing us and he nor his parents didn't even look at him. His brother also acted indifferent, put his head down while passing (acted invincible?), his energy wasn't welcoming as he passed me. He looked like just woke up and angry, and it was around 11 a.m.

Doesn't it our moon play a role for what reaction we would like to take to the outside?

My Gemini chiron in 7th house and I only can relate on how relationship feels like a pain for me but also the biggest life lessons. But the funny thing is when people ask me relationship advice, they are shocked that I am not in a relationship. lol.

As an Aqua sun, I don't know how to act apathy or indifference towards others, I can't do that. I only do detachment if I don't know you well enough or the vibe doesn't match (oh yeah, can feel it but won't tell you) or simply I am busy solving my own puzzle, but usually won't take too long, I don't do detachment to intentionally hurt people or giving them a signal that I am angry/disappointed or even trying to punish.