posted March 21, 2020 09:58 PM
On Tuesday evening I did a at-home test, it showed positive as Saturn in my 5th house was applying an exact conjunction with my Capricorn moon. 0 degrees. I cannot afford to have a baby. I’m 21, living at my mom’s, struggling to contribute. Emotionally and financially empty, apathetic and tired. Jobless, can’t figure out a passion for my life, anything worth pursuing the next day. Weak, talentless and could only cause more suffering to myself, my family and to this baby. I slept with two random dudes in between my last period cycle that could potentially fathered. One of them is now becoming my friend and we’re talking regularly. The other one I have no idea who he is or where to find him. Either which of them is, I have an abortion scheduled next Thursday. (I don’t want to hear any weird opinion of anybody, especially men, about what I should do with my body.. Save it)
Right now I would really like to be pregnant and have a baby that I could really love and that would love me. But can’t even dream of carrying this one to term. I just can’t. My family already mistrusts and criticize me too much. The friendly potential father doesn’t want it either so yeah...
I’ve ranted a lot on this blog before, I’ve made very crude comments about myself that reflected my own poor self-perception. I have worked on myself ever since. I swear. Finished school, started university, tried a new hobby, started meditation and now awaiting therapy. It seems I’m always being pulled towards death, void, apathy... I don’t feel like I’ve changed at all. I’m barely able to study. I’m bad at that new hobby too...
But yeah I’ll just keep meditating and continue trying to to cultivate some faith. Any advice? Ever since that Pluto sun Opposition transit hit me in 2016 to 2019, my faith in myself and life has been completely whacked out.
10 July 1998
10:16am
Montreal, Canada
Lindaland
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posted March 21, 2020 09:58 PM
posted March 22, 2020 09:28 AM