posted December 31, 2020 09:31 AM            

Love this one (there's a hilarious pearly gates one too somewhere on the net).

quote:

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Sun Sign Prayers
POSTED BY FORREST ASTROLOGY · FEBRUARY 11, 2008

by Nolan Myers
Thanks to a site visitor for submitting these!

ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"

TAURUS: "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."

GEMINI: "Yo God…(or is it Goddess?)…Who are you?…What are you?…..Where are You?…..How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"

CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."

LEO: "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"

VIRGO: "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."

LIBRA: "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

SCORPIO: "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the ******** don't deserve it."

SAGITTARIUS: "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES — HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!"

CAPRICORN: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."

AQUARIUS: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

PISCES: "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."

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posted December 31, 2020 09:34 AM            

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After Sex Comments by Sun Sign
POSTED BY FORREST ASTROLOGY · FEBRUARY 11, 2008

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry–pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me–I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

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posted December 31, 2020 09:35 AM            

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How Many Members of Your Sign Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb?
POSTED BY FORREST ASTROLOGY · FEBRUARY 11, 2008

ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of it?

TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.

GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they'll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about the lightbulb.

CANCER: Only one, but three therapists will be needed to help with the grieving process. OR: Only one, as long as his mommy holds his hand.

LEO: Leos do not change their own lightbulbs. They find someone else to do it for them.

VIRGO: 1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013%.

LIBRA: Well, I could do it, unless of course you'd prefer to do it, but you look sort of busy right now. What do you want to do?

SCORPIO: One, from across the room, if they've learned their teleporting lessons well enough.
OR, thanks to one of our website visitors: None, because Scorpios aren't afraid of the dark.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't have time for these foolish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you see, energy is really matter and matter is really energy and light is a form of energy but the light bulb is matter, and–

PISCES: What light bulb?

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posted December 31, 2020 09:36 AM            

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Originally posted by softissues:
Yo the cancer one had me dead hehe

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Haha yeah it's good! I love the Sagittarius prayer - soo like my son who has Sag Moon (and probably not unlike myself at times with 1st house Jupiter )

posted December 31, 2020 09:41 AM            

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How the Twelve Signs Deal with Near Death Experiences
POSTED BY FORREST ASTROLOGY · FEBRUARY 10, 2008

This article first appeared in The Mountain Astrologer Apr/May 1996 issue. Reprinted with permission.

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly– and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpios have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he's dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.

PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.

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posted December 31, 2020 09:03 PM            

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Originally posted by Voix_de_la_Mer:
Bringy awla ya jokes and memes

Love this one (there's a hilarious pearly gates one too somewhere on the net).

[QUOTE]Sun Sign Prayers
POSTED BY FORREST ASTROLOGY · FEBRUARY 11, 2008

by Nolan Myers
Thanks to a site visitor for submitting these!

ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"

TAURUS: "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."

GEMINI: "Yo God…(or is it Goddess?)…Who are you?…What are you?…..Where are You?…..How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"

CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."

LEO: "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"

VIRGO: "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."

LIBRA: "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

SCORPIO: "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the ******** don't deserve it."

SAGITTARIUS: "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES — HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!"

CAPRICORN: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."

AQUARIUS: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

PISCES: "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."

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[/QUOTE]

Love the most the first three! And virgo and libra!

Nailed it!

posted December 31, 2020 09:04 PM            

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Originally posted by Belage:
My gosh, they are all so hilarious yet so accurate!

THanks for starting this, OP! We all need a little laugther in our lives.

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posted December 31, 2020 09:30 PM            

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Originally posted by softissues:
Yo the cancer one had me dead hehe

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posted January 01, 2021 05:17 AM            

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Originally posted by Belage:
My gosh, they are all so hilarious yet so accurate!

THanks for starting this, OP! We all need a little laugther in our lives.

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You're welcome Belage, I knew I wouldn't be the only one who could do with a wee laugh this New Year!

posted January 01, 2021 05:18 AM            

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Originally posted by hypatia238:
Love the most the first three! And virgo and libra!

Nailed it!

Thanks for sharing.

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You're welcome Hypatia!

posted January 01, 2021 05:18 AM            

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Originally posted by MoonMystic:
So on point.

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posted January 02, 2021 05:32 AM            

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Originally posted by Belage:
^^^

Riddle:
What sign do you get when you cross a Scorpio with another sign?

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I like riddles

Don't know?

posted January 02, 2021 01:46 PM            

Answer:
The sign of The Cross, because God help you if you cross a Scorpio!!!

posted January 03, 2021 06:11 AM            

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Originally posted by Belage:
Riddle:
What sign do you get when you cross a Scorpio with another sign?

Answer:
The sign of The Cross, because God help you if you cross a Scorpio!!!

To appreciate this joke, it helps if you have a catholic background.

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That is funny!

And yes, I have a Catholic background

posted January 03, 2021 06:57 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Belage:
Riddle:
What sign do you get when you cross a Scorpio with another sign?

Answer:
The sign of The Cross, because God help you if you cross a Scorpio!!!

To appreciate this joke, it helps if you have a catholic background.

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