posted January 26, 2022 05:36 PM
So I don't even know where to start so all I can really do is ramble on and flow until it makes sense. I've been inactive on here for a bit because so much has come at me and what's even more scary is that my Saturn will go exact on January 28 which is only a couple days out from now. So in a couple days, Saturn will go 15 degrees into Aquarius and natally, my Saturn is in Aquarius. Soon I might even post it on here as much as I prefer not to.My Saturn sits in Aquarius and is in my 6th house if Placidus and 7th house if whole.
It all started at the start of 2021, ways away from Saturn entering within that 5 degree scope of Aquarius but I cannot even think about back then as much. The reason it is so tough for me to think about those times is because I have come to realize just how angry, spiteful, resentful, and hateful of a person I was back then. Perhaps the people that got it the worst were my overbearing parents who ruined so much of my youth.
Saturn opposes my Sun, Mercury, and my Venus (all planets which are also in the 12th house) so issues with my parents was a given, particularly my father. I grew up very repressed with parents, mainly my father, that had their hand in all areas of my life and did not let me become independent. Even into my college days, my parents tried to run my life and control every aspect of it, it was mainly my father. My confidence suffered and I sat on the sidelines, not being that guy I always wanted to be who was popular, doing well with women, and respected.
I knew I wasn't happy in my adolescence and it wasn't until my early 20s that I would learn just how bad my parents had treated me. Not just my parents, but also society at large in the town I grew up in. Slowly, that resentment built up but I kept it all bottled up. The best years of my life during college, down the toilet because of the damage my parents had done. Around the age of 24, I finally stuck up to my parents, especially my father and managed to go down my own path in life. Yet, I wasn't done despite having broken free because my parents and I kept in touch.
Over the next few years, I would keep that resentment towards my parents and the town I had left. I wrote hateful letters to my father and even told him a few times I'd have been better off if he was dead. At times, I even made fun of my father's appearance and mocked him for not reaching a high ceiling in his career. My dad attempted to make things work between us but I had so much resentment in how he raised me that I threw nothing but hatred back at him. All he had done was tell me I wasn't good enough in my youth and stopped me from being independent, why can it not be my turn?
I still had validation issues due to not being one of the popular kids in my youth, whether high school or college. I was a dork, a lame, and not the guy the hot girls wanted to get with. Not the guy taken seriously and the guy there for comic relief. It drove me to a lot of bitterness because I bloomed late and was playing catchup when it came to social skills versus other kids who found their way fast.
I had went from a bigger city to my dream city and in a way, I had made it in my mind. I was in the big leagues now and around guys way cooler than any hick back home and women way more beautiful than any small town broad, yeah bad language from me here but that is where I was at mentally. So what if those kids in the old town or in my college saw me as less? I had ascended most of them. Yet, I never enjoyed it on the inside and used this as an opportunity to peddle my hate.
Now I had started to see myself as too good for my own parents and anything relating to the old town. I would never call my mother or father and at times, even laugh in my head of the misery they would go through.
My dad reaches out.
I had long been insulting my dad at every turn and sending him hateful emails. One time, he reached out to tell me about his miserable youth and what he was going through which made him act the way he did. What he does is tell me about how my mother put him in such a tough spot and then I slowly soften up a bit.
My sister, cousin, and brother had a trip planned and I thought it was just going to be me and him. I go and meet him in the city but then brother tells me mom and dad are visiting too. The first day of the trip, I tell him to not let them know I am visiting. Then, I have a change of heart a day after that and surprise them, they were happy to see me. It made somewhat of an impact and I felt somewhat happy but deep down inside, I was angry and bitter, still.
Then the news comes.
About a year ago, I get a random text from my sister saying that our dad has fallen and an ambulance is surrounding him. Apparently, when my brother gets to ER with my mom, we get told it seems like he has had a heart attack. An hour later, doctor calls and tells me that my father was checked into the ER of a heart attack and he has passed. I was crushed, maybe I should have cried more but just like that, crushed.
I'd go back home to find my mother broken and very miserable, unhinged even. After visiting the old town, that inner smugness in me remained. How dare she shout at me. I even talked to my brother about how pathetic our mother is for not being able to function on her own but deep down, I was still upset at her being one of the main people that held me back from growing up in life. That resentment in me, it was still there.
Not much else was good either but I used casual sex and alcohol to cope.
Yeah, I was one of the ******* cool kids now getting laid and drinking like a college kid while making bank. I almost abandoned my mother and even ignored her calls as much as I could. In a way, it made me feel powerful even though on the inside I knew I was being a bad person but the world was never good to me so why should I be the one to be good?
At work, I got passed up for a promotion twice when I clearly deserved it. It wasn't due to results either, it's just that certain people hated me. Hey but I was getting laid and partying while living in an awesome city, screw the world.
Then as 2021 went on, it all became too much to ignore.
The city I had loved so much for having saved me from my old label of being that social outcast loser was a former shell of itself. COVID had shut down most of the nightlife and locals were on edge, as divided as ever. Confrontations became all the more common and people turned on each other. Crime rose by a lot and I was at the end of a couple of confrontations myself. My rent went up as I lived in an apartment where mail at times cannot even be delivered properly.
Finally, I said screw it and moved to a state with less COVID restrictions and a thriving area of the country.
Things were starting to go well as 2021 progressed.
I feel as if I got better at dealing with nonsense. Things got under my skin less and even with past resentment, I feel as if it was going away. My pleasure in life came less from validation from others and more from just finding some solitude. I'd love seeing the sun set at a park all by myself and cared less for a night out at a club where I could show off and meet women. It's like without me even trying as much, some old and resentful side of me was slowly dying. I wasn't becoming forgiving as much as I was just starting to slowly move on.
It's as if I started to embrace my inner 12th house instead of being embarrassed by it in a way. I didn't care for social acceptance or anything anymore, I wanted ME time.
And 2022 starts off with a bang.
Late 2021 (December), Saturn started to be in that 5 degree range to where it came closer to being exact. I visited my mom for Christmas and things were quite chill between us and my brother, they were almost perfect and serene.
Well, 2022 certainly started off with a massive bang. For starters, I got the news that I will be moved to a new team and a new part of the company which pays a lot more and has better work hours. Certainly good news but at the same time, all of the people I had grown close to had also moved on as the company was going through some changes.
I also started to call my mother daily because I was thinking what now? Why keep seeing her as an enemy? I just made it a point to keep calling her.
Then comes yet another dangerous curveball.
I visit my mom again about a couple of weeks ago but something seems off. She comes out complaining the whole night and my brother has had enough, he shouts at her and threatens to leave. She will not leave him alone so he just gets up from his visit with her and gets in the car, she cries and begs him to not go. I go with my brother because I cannot let him drive angry on a highway.
Not long after, she calls us crying but then I notice her voice goes silent. She is on speaker and then choking in the background. I get worried and tell my brother to turn the car around which he does, he even speeds back home.
We arrive to find her on the floor, half of her face almost green, and I do CPR on her which strangely works and brings her back. She says she always falls and we come to find how bad her condition is.
My crazy decision.
Things were going well in my new city and here I am back home in the same hick town I swore I would get out of.
I decide to stay for a month and my employer has let me work remote for a month onwards to handle family things.
It really hit me though, am I ready to lose another family member?
My sister never liked my mom for how she treated her and she is still distant with the family. My brother found mom to be too toxic.
I decide to say screw it and stay with my mom now in my old hick town.
I talk to her and give her company to learn her story only to find how poorly my dad treated her.
My Saturn goes exact this Friday, I do not know what happens.
If it is bad, I want to be on the receiving end for all of it.
Take me but no more of my family.
If I had it my way, I'd keep training to get my mother independent on her own where she can fend for herself and then go back to the great life I was starting to live in a new city where I had set up shop.
Who knows anymore.
Who knows what anymore.
I've shared too much.
But I had to let it out.
Lindaland
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posted January 26, 2022 05:36 PM
