posted September 24, 2022 06:59 PM            

(Not so) Brief resume of the previous post

An emotional rant of a Scorpio and his unability of dealing with his emotions towards love and women, traumas and fears, love lost and karmic soulmates.

What happened since then...

Karmic Soulmate and I had an bad split, she ended up marrying her bf, I was left broken for years, never spoke to her again...

When I did the first post years ago, I was at the beginning of a wonderful era of my life, of having new friends, new spaces, many adventures, etc. But then again, thanks to this karmic soulmate my world turned upside down, but I was not ready for what she could give me, I was not ready to give her what she needed, and I realized just recently that I could never give her the stability she needs as a single mother because of the many traumas and fears I have. So off she went, and married the guy that could give her what she needed.

For years, I harbored anger, resentment, a complete shutdown of giving closeness to women, even if my life was going good, I was broken, a part of me died when the karmic soulmate left, and no women, no psychedelics, no gods could help to change that for a while. The anger for the karmic soulmate was visceral, one of a kind, thankfuly no violence ever happened, I kept myself with the cauldron of emotions boiling like hell, facing the darkness.

The depth of how bad she affected me was notorious after I took an Ayahuasca trip, one of the most important messages from that trip was to let go of her, but I suffered as I called her name, to said that I loved her, that I needed her, that I wanted her, it was difficult.

Then after going as low as possible after I found out she married her guy, as the Covid lockdown happened, took the choice of finally letting it go, and to finally make the changes my life needed. I've learned to cook, to clean the house, to raise a dog, and decided to see a psychologist to treat myself once and for all.

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This is where the post really begins

Since I started going to therapy, things slowly changed for the better, as I learned to go deep in the pit of sorrows of my soul. I've managed to forgive my father as he's also a lost soul with many traumas and many fuckups, not so much my mother and sister because they're much more inmersed in their traumas and pains, but that's another story for another time. I forgave the karmic soulmate because I realized that I'm responsible for my emotions and the choices I made with them, which were non-existent because of my inmaturity and insecurities, and most of all, I learned to be more kind with myself, to forgive myself for the things left unsaid, the feelings left unsaid, and because everything I did, I did it from a place of fear, not to hurt people.

Now in 2022 I can feel the difference in my life, in my confidence, in myself. I'm playing with lots of bands, I'm starting to make some money of it, I've created a network of friends that are more or less connected with each other, as now I know that my family won't provide me the security I need, and at this point in september 2022 is one of the highest points in my life(so far, things will get even better)

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But not everything is great I guess...

As therapy went by, I started to notice finally my attractiveness, that women considered me very attractive, before I felt very insecure and undeserving of such attention. Nowadays I'm very comfortable.

Slowly I started to use tinder to have casual dates, and more and more I've learned to be more confident with women. Have more casual experiences, had good times, and made good things with them... BUT, as things could develop that's where I did the cut, the fleeing, the ghosting, cause I'm still not ready for more profound stuff, but I'm starting to let myself to be more loose, and it shows.

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http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum35/HTML/011934.html

To know more about the new experience

Last month I've met again a girl, a Pisces woman that wanted to do lots of things with me through the years but I was very down at the bottom to pay attention to what she could give me. But after one night of having a good time, drinks and dancing, I've realized that maybe now I can have a try, to be vulnerable, to make the first step, to create a connection, a healthy connection. But I have to know now, every relationship, be it love or friendship is a two-way street, I must learn to know someone, to back off it things not go well, to be acceptive of what the other person wants, to be for that other person, and to accept the outcome, whatever that may be, because this woman is worth it.

I'm for the first time in my life actually trying, very slowly but trying, had a few flirty pictures, great conversations, but is also kinda difficult, as the girl works a lot, and travels a lot, and a second chance may not happen, who knows. I'm trying to create the space, to create experiences with her, good times, good memories, then... maybe a great friendship or a great romance. I'm learning to the possibility of a no, of a yes, of not running away, of slowing down... Yeah, being more mature, to heal yourself has helped me a lot, now is where the good part of the journey begins.

I'm going to be 31 in november, I'm not that young, and the way the world is going, this is the time to dare to do the unknown, what I fear the most, to be patient with myself, and enjoy this moment, and to make more good things and people to come.

Can't deny that I'm still very fearful and insecure, that's something that will take a lot of practice, experiences and more deep healing to let go that wound, but... Guess I'm doing a lot better now.

To make good times and good experiences.

/end rant

Cheers

posted October 13, 2022 09:54 AM            

A sad bump, thanks to the power of dreams, and a confirmation of close friends, I found out that the new girl started to date someone just recently... welp

posted October 26, 2022 08:13 PM            

It's like I can't control what I feel right now, I just have to find a way to channel this very intense emotion right now.