posted July 20, 2025 06:03 AM            

Dress how I want? No. Buy what I want? No. Speak and feel what I want? No. Privacy? No. Understanding? No. Hobbies? No. Study to become what you want? No, and if you study what you want you will be unsupported and constantly told to not do that. Rebel and try to do what I want? Here comes the Aquarius brainwashing of ”Always put others first or always first acknowledge them, it’s never about you. Otherwise, you’re selfish.” Just some bits of my experience, extremely brief. Conform or rebel, never express.

Ego death became my best friend. But honestly?I feel like an animal locked in a mental zoo. I want to wear and feel my skin, to be, but I don’t even know what my grass or scenery looks like.

Most of my life I wanted to escape but I mostly got into dangerous situations just to feel free. But freedom is meaningless without the self. Now I’m 25 and I have nothing to escape from.. I have what I always wanted: a loving partner and stability. But I don’t have myself.

Who am I? What do I enjoy? What makes me feel alive?

Astrology helped me study myself, but it doesn’t help me FEEL or LIVE myself. I need that. And I need that. I just don’t know how.

I watched Poor Things back in 2023 and I saw myself in Bella Baxter. The cold & rational scientist (Aquarius) creates a girl who starts out emotionless and detached. But as she grows, she wants more… real life, feelings, freedom to express herself.

That shift from Aquarius to Leo felt so familiar. I have that axis.For fun I looked up the director Yorgos Lanthimos and guess what? He has a Leo Moon and Jupiter in Aquarius. Hello brother in axis.

I feel like Bella now. I want to express myself. I want to enjoy something, to find a hobby, to feel and live me not just study and analyze myself through divination tools. Thanks astrology. I have aphantasia and I cannot enjoy books or drawing as much as I would like to.

Who am I, and what do I enjoy? What is my dream? I still dont know.

But I’m trying
I want to be
To become
Come be…

This is my quest, my invocation. What a good moment to write and express this while Mercury in transit is passing over my Leo moon now

posted July 20, 2025 10:08 AM            

quote:

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Aries23Degrees

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Hi Aries, yes. Can you see the astro chart image at the end of my post? If no, here it is with the date also

Birth chart image

I am reflecting a lot today on this and realized that I enjoy dreaming a lot, but it is not something that I can control. If I could, I would dream every night. At 17, I had the dream below and you can see the themes mentioned.

I visited a wealthy man’s house with my mother for a vinyl music contest. My mother handed him my vinyl. His walls were filled with shiny treasures and lipsticks. He offered me one, but I refused, saying I liked my natural lips. Suddenly, he kissed me. His wife and my mom saw it. He threatened to kill himself; I stopped him. But my mother blamed me, not him. That broke me. I woke up in a white hallway, leaving a psychiatrist’s office. On the bus home, I felt everyone silently judging me.

Then I was in a hotel with a man. Our intimacy turned dark when he revealed disturbing tattoos and threatened me. I woke up again in a gray, isolated house as a prisoner muse to my artist husband. Life there felt like a slow death.

Later, at an award ceremony, the artist husband won the original music contest. I was there with him on the stage. It hit me: this was my only chance to escape. I jumped off the scene through the people, crawled in the darkness desperately, reached a bus, and begged the driver to take me anywhere.

posted July 20, 2025 04:26 PM            

I could see your chart initially. But couldn't check for the above without place of birth.

But i can already discern the feelings of being "silenced" or "trapped" from certain placements.

The ruler of the Asc(Sat) and 2nd house conj the Ic. Ruler of the 8th house (Sun) in the 12th house.Saturn opp Mercury (ruler of the 6th and 9th house),Mars conj Neptune AND (perhaps the most important one from an emotional perspective)Uranus opp Moon.