posted January 28, 2010 02:35 PM         

my dilema, or train of though here is odd sounding maybe. What has motivated me for a very very long time is gone.

fear - of God, of poverty, of tragedy
sense of not being as good as others
unworthiness
feeling like if i am good enough by my good deeds....i will be worthy of love

those things are all wonderfully gone now, it as if everything bad that ever happened to me, happened to someone else, like in a book, and no longer is just under the breastbone, THERE, pushing me. Which gives me much to think about now. like, where to go from here.

Joseph Campbell said that both the madman and the shaman of the tribe travel inward. The difference between the two is that the shaman returns and brings something back with him. The difference is "the madman drowns in the same water in which the mystic swims.

this is actually a very profound thing. (to me)

there is nothing left to forgive.
now what do i have to offer?

i am not a great artist, i am not a great musician, i am not great...although I have gifts. i have healing, i have compassion, i have empathy, my gifts are medicore at best.

without the anger, fear and feeling of having to prove myself worthy of love...i don't know where to go from here. wierd feeling, not sure how to handle it, or what to do with it.

most of what i have worked to achieve i have achieved. this is really something to figure out. what can i do with all of these life experiences that will bless people and make this world better? pardon my odd musings, it is just the wierdest thing to me.

posted January 28, 2010 03:36 PM         

this restless
this questioning
is the voice of greatness;
it is the call
from deep within

go within
meet your inner genius

posted January 28, 2010 03:44 PM         

i do have faith.

i am not sure i can make you understand. it is a really wierd thing.

feelings that i had drove me. i don't have those feelings anymore. i am not angry at the people who hurt me anymore. i never realized how much hurt and anger and the unjustness of it all made me want to perform and do certain things, and prove to the world certain things. i have nothing to prove anymore.

i have overcome. the enemy was never without, it was within. now it is gone. it drove me to succeed, then my idea of success changed, and i was sucessful at that too, building the strong loving relationships that bring me joy.

something else has to drive me, the ability to share,,,,, now.... not succeed, it has shifted, what drove me is gone now, its like the rest of the dream has to be remembered before it can be realized. i don't know the next step.

i can't explain it very well.

it has to come outward now. in service to others. not in daily work, as my daily work is in service to others, i cant explain it becasue i don't know the answer. yet. i will. i have to think about this more.

i made my peace.... now,,,something...but what...there is a purpose....to it all.... i have to figure it out.

posted January 28, 2010 03:59 PM         

valus was right, the thought process is the start...

i never realized before the good that came out of the bad. how my misfortunes guided me to stregth and purpose. now i see it. without it i may not have ever had the drive to accomplish.

its like i am silver thanking the fire for purification process. how do you thank the fire, you hate the fire,,, it hurts, no? yet, i thank the fire. i no longer hate the fire.

but what now?

it will come.

posted January 28, 2010 04:19 PM         

how about invoking the pioneer ethic, the desire to play with how far you can go in something, AND to help others get past those past motivators?

because there are plenty out there who are also motivated mainly by their need to prove something...maybe you could help them learn to cross over as you have?

posted January 28, 2010 04:39 PM         

i had to recognise it fully before i could let it go. this is not an overnight journey. you know i have been working through some real old stuff for at least the last 6 months.

all of those issues kat. all of them. i accept the shortcomings of others. my parents, my aggressors, the frailty of life..... i faced it all square on for quite some time, and now it is just like a work of fiction, it is my story, but it isn't my STORY, it isn't personal anymore.

its so wierd. and i see how it benefitted me in so many ways. i am willful and stubborn, maybe that is how it had to be for me to get to HERE. which is a different place than i have ever been.

posted January 28, 2010 08:46 PM         

somedays I'm inspired by electro, sometimes classical, sometimes hard rock, some bands come back more than others, some are random discoveries

music and/or solitude like a couple of hours walk always help me to find directions.

I'm not sure if what I say is relevant to your question about motivations.

for me, one motivation is bodisatvas. I know I am Not, I think about this concept often. it is fascinating. but I'm drawn to pisces/virgo energy coupled with philosophising (sag type)

that are my DEEPEST motivators

although, on a lighter note, and contrary to the appearances maybe, I spend much time grapling with emotions. all types, it's scary sometimes to feel so much, but I don't fear to fear.

posted January 28, 2010 08:51 PM         

neptune in sag in 6th

see a pattern? pisces, sag, virgo?
questioning of beliefs, definitions of beliefs, refinement of beliefs...? what type, why, how...

and I lack fire, with neptune being a singleton in sag.

oh, asteroid wise, samadhi exactly trine hermit, hermit conjunct north node by 2 degrees.

sorry for the rant of my chart, but I'm trying to explain my driving forces, or lack of...

I heard of bodisatvas thanks to valus; taoist "inaction" is also an idea that has an effect on me, as well as shamanism within social groups.

with jupiter in 3rd, I'm guilty of "jack of all trade, master of none" attitude vis à vis, well, anything, really.

but put me in a factory moving around boxes everyday and I still end up questioning the universe. I can't live any other way.

posted January 28, 2010 09:34 PM         

just go with the flow, and don't hold back at the same time don't fix yourself on any expectations

posted January 29, 2010 12:48 AM         

98 and no enemies - human interest story

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? '

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; ' Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? '

I don't have any. 'She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you? '

'Ninety-eight, 'she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world? '

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said,

' I outlived the bitches. '

posted January 29, 2010 10:27 AM         

lol, kat
"The best revenge is massive success."
~ Frank Sinatra
"Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves,
but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written,
'Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.'"
~ Romans 12:19
"There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."
~ Josh Billings

cpn,
Thank you and you're welcome.
I like the analogy. I wonder, though, if it would not be more accurate to say that the arm hasn't been removed, but, that you have learned to accept it, and see it as a strength, -- maybe even a part of you which you have grown to love and embrace. A third arm, as you know, can come in "handy". The image I see now, though, is of a sunflower with an unusually strong stalk. The stalk has been twisted and cracked and bent over and abused, but it has healed and become strongest in the places where it was broken. Now it is nearly done healing, and is turning to face the sun. I hope that image helps and doesnt miss the target by much. Love to you, S

posted January 29, 2010 06:35 PM         

I can forgive my first husband, it was a long time ago, and we were kids.

I guess, I have more trouble, NOT with forgiving, but forgetting more recent events. I hate holding on to resentment, it eats you up. Like I said, I just don't know how to FORGET about it, it's there every night when I close my eyes.

Hopefully, someday, I'll be where you are.

Funny about your timeline. I was just thinking about this yesterday. I've been struggling with trying to write this darn book, it's about my experiences bartending, but really, about my life.
Everytime I write, it will be about this situation, or that scenario. But, I could never figure out how to make it cohesive. Then yesterday, I thought, "duh, you need to make a timeline, picking out the most important events, and work from there!"