posted February 09, 2010 05:38 PM         

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ******** me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

**********************************************************

AND

TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS

Two blondes walked into a building..........
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap
for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't,
I've cut your arms off'..

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too..

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his
van covered with hundreds and thousands..
Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out
of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

'Doctor Doctor I can't stop singing The Green, Green
Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones
syndrome.' 'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual'.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?
'No, because he's really heavy'

Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got
a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?' the doctor asks.
'Don't you start' says the guy.

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look
great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin,
or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you,
you fat bast**d!'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctors, he said,
'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said,
'Well don't go there anymore.'

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a
cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered
1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as
digging continues into the night.