posted February 20, 2010 05:56 PM         

Right now it is 3:41 PM on Feb 20/2010 114 W 51 N. Leo is rising at the East.

I found today's visit hard, especially when I looked into her eyes and deep down inside I started to tear up. I just felt that she is not safe and part of me felt powerless. I thought to myself....little baby I gave to you the gift of life - I went through hell and back so you could live and live life. I am so sorry if you were never to come back to us and I know in my heart you are there. It could be 17 years from now that she may come back. This will be one decision that I will not have to answer to.

I am convinced that idiots run the world - the ones who learn from a book ad who have no practical experience about life who think they know better than the world. I wish they would all go away.

The baby has a lot of 1st house planets - which is loaded and what I have read about first house planets may show the native who owns them was adopted.

I struggle daily to stay positive but the skepticism won't go away. They railroaded us and jumped the gun and who is to say that they won't do that again. The laws here are really screwed up and the kids who should be away from their parents remain and the ones who have good home are tragically ripped away from their homes and deprived from there family - raised to believe a lie that their parents never wanted them etc.

I have jumped through their hoops and heard their assumptions where I strongly disagree because that was not the way of it. I am appauled that the world can so very easily judge a person when they have not walked a mile in their shoes. My caseworker is NOT a parent and I do not think she is qualified to make any decision about kids. Just like the Pediatrician at the hospital who had no kids and doesn't know how to change a diaper. I hope they face their own hell in the future - what comes around goes around.

I'm sweet and sour today but I am in grief. In another week I'll know what is to be and then there may be a huge war with CPS in order to get the baby back....I don't know what to think.

posted February 20, 2010 07:28 PM         

You are feeling distant because you are trying to protect yourself from further pain, which is completely natural.

Do you have a therapist or counselor to talk to about your grief etc? I'm hoping something of that ilk is available to you.

I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.

posted February 21, 2010 12:33 AM         

A lady at church had suggested to me to work with spiritual healers to help me through this. There is this long distance healer that helps those on a higher vibration.