posted May 21, 2010 12:30 PM         

sometimes as we grow older feelings that we had in your teens, twenties, thirties, years that add upon years....somehow it gets to what my gradmother used to say, where you have had it up to here (slightly above your head) and a hair trigger is all it takes to bring a glass house tumbling down.

how do you deal with pent up emotions? do you just let it out as it happens? i never did. i just prayed about it and kept on keeping on...i thought i wasnt hanging onto it..and yet,,

well, lately it seems i have gotten a backbone and the trigger has been pulled and the glass houses with thier stone throwers, pebble after pebble after pebble, year after year after year...something inside of me said, "no more"..i turned around and shattered the glass house....put up a privacy fence and said BACK OFF or expect it back...full throttle...i let it out, to the ones that have offended me... till i was hoarse then sat down and wrote the rest in a letter...

mean? fair? just life?

i don't know. is it better to say f-off as you feel it as you go? or wait until your are much older and have had it "up to here" and just unload and watch the glass houses tumble down? and all the things you have thought and kept to yourself for 20 some years just come out..

this has been a weird year. things are so different, life is so different,. there is freedom like i have never known, internal freedom. the good is gooder, the bad is badder, the happy is happier, the sad is sadder...a weird year.. maybe it was time the glass houses came down. i suppose they all do eventually.

posted May 21, 2010 02:24 PM         

i guarantee you no one will say another word about my son not having a job. not to my face anyway.

plastic people ...with thier digs, i'm so over it.

if all people are just like all people, why do you feel thier energies. like some people have an energy of- fakeness, compassion, love, hate, sincerity, anger, deviant, kindness...you can feel intent. you just can. i can look into someones eyes and know instictively if they are kind.

maybe its lack of sleep, maybe its watching my dad slowly die for so long, until i can't stand seeing him suffer anymore...i am not sure what it is. but i have been integrating all aspects of myself, and the walls are down. if i have something to say, i say it. something is changing inside of me. maybe it that i finally love myself and therefore what i accepted in the past, doesnt pass muster anymore. i am so not sure what it is.

posted May 21, 2010 02:58 PM         

You talk about walls coming down and I had a little version of that a couple of years ago when I was still grieving my grandmother's death and my dad's cancer and my own divorce. I had about 8-9 months of weird visions where I saw myself as 4 different elements:
1 persona of air, wielding a sword and ready to cut. I saw her as bitter but also a protector.
1 persona of fire, always laughing and ready to take the plunge into something new, but also completely unrealistic at times in rushing off into the sunset.
1 persona of water, always silent and brooding and feeling way too much empathy at inappropriate times, too sensitive. But where would I be without the ability to feel things so deeply?
And the 3 parts talked and i watched them and wondered where the earth element was, and they turned their head and said 'it's you', lol. You are the physical manifestation of all the elements, so that would make the 4th element which binds the other 3.
Do I sound crazy? I feel like I kind of am often lol.
But all these parts talked and the common theme was 'no more walls between us', so there's no more being one element/way more than another as we continue to exist and work together within this body. It was so weird, like every single element within me had a voice and a reason and it is my job to make sure all the voices within me are tended to, and are dealt with, or else there will be walls and more divides. But yes, the past year for me as well has been about the sadness being overwhelming and the happiness being completely pure and blissful, and also kind of grieving because some part of me knows that even new experiences are colored by old experiences and the filter is never completely clean...it's life experience for better or worse which gets in the way but also makes the flavor more savory, more sweet, and adds complexity.

posted May 21, 2010 05:03 PM         

self discovery is one of the best games in town...mvm i have been through a similar trip though it wasn't so elementally framed! it's the neverending story, no sooner do you get to one signpost than you see another ahead...sometimes you stay awhile in a particularly nice place...row row row your boat. i love when it FEELS like a game and i am at the controls but when something else steps in it's fascinating too.