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Author Topic:   Insults with Class
koiflower
Knowflake

Posts: 1947
From: Australia
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 06:22 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for koiflower     Edit/Delete Message
These glorious insults were made from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or
your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar
Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker uncl

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) I especially like this quote

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

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Happy Dragon
Knowflake

Posts: 505
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 06:39 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Happy Dragon     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one." - Winston Churchill, in response

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or
your mistress."


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Dy-na-mi-tee
Knowflake

Posts: 254
From: Cloud 22, Jupiter Ave, Lalaland
Registered: Jun 2010

posted July 01, 2010 06:49 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dy-na-mi-tee     Edit/Delete Message
They're sooooooo funny!!

Thanks Koi

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Deux*Antares
Knowflake

Posts: 816
From: I am where I am and it's enough.
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 07:06 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Deux*Antares     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks, Koi! So funny.

I wish people on LL would "talk" to each other with CLASS everytime they have a disagreement.

I agree with HD's picks. The ones with the comebacks are the best.

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DD
Knowflake

Posts: 4805
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 07:14 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for DD     Edit/Delete Message
Koi,

they are marvellous.


My favourites were (hard to choose though)


"The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or
your mistress."

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -
Oscar Wilde"

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iQ
Knowflake

Posts: 1679
From: Chennai, India
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 07:40 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for iQ     Edit/Delete Message
Simply Exquisite!

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Happy Dragon
Knowflake

Posts: 505
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 07:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Happy Dragon     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
I wish people on LL would "talk" to each other with CLASS everytime they have a disagreement.

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charmainec
Moderator

Posts: 423
From: on the other side of the rainbow
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 07:56 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for charmainec     Edit/Delete Message
I second that HappyDragon.

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Happy Dragon
Knowflake

Posts: 505
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 08:08 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Happy Dragon     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

clever

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Happy Dragon
Knowflake

Posts: 505
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 08:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Happy Dragon     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

more .. more .. :

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Happy Dragon
Knowflake

Posts: 505
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 09:12 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Happy Dragon     Edit/Delete Message
this film had some seriously clever insults ..
mainly the dialogue between Eleanore and Henry ..
~ http://wapedia.mobi/en/The_Lion_in_Winter ~

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katatonic
Knowflake

Posts: 4207
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 09:46 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for katatonic     Edit/Delete Message
yes and hepburn and spencer could dish it too...THANKS koi!! it's nice to be reminded that it wasn't always considered "correct" to pussyfoot around people - and it WAS considered to correct to master your language.

i actually like mark twain's, it made me laugh out loud,"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

but i can see why you fancy the one you do

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cpn_edgar_winner
Knowflake

Posts: 2509
From: Toledo, OH
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 09:50 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cpn_edgar_winner     Edit/Delete Message
I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common? Ashleigh Brilliant

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cpn_edgar_winner
Knowflake

Posts: 2509
From: Toledo, OH
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 09:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cpn_edgar_winner     Edit/Delete Message
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

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cpn_edgar_winner
Knowflake

Posts: 2509
From: Toledo, OH
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 09:57 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cpn_edgar_winner     Edit/Delete Message
no one classier than Shakeseare himself:
Shakespeare Insult 3 - The Tempest
Thine forward voice, now, is to speak well of thine friend; thine backward voice is to utter foul speeches and to detract.

Shakespeare Insult 4 - Measure For Measure
Thou art a flesh-monger, a fool and a coward.

Shakespeare Insult 5 - All's Well That Ends Well
A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.

Shakespeare Insult 6 - Cymbeline
Thy tongue outvenoms all the worms of Nile.

Shakespeare Insult 7 - Henry IV Part 2
You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe!

Shakespeare Insult 8 - All's Well That Ends Well
Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.

Shakespeare Insult 9 - The Winter's Tale
My wife's a hobby horse!

Shakespeare Insult 10 - Troilus and Cressida
Thou art as loathsome as a toad.

Shakespeare Insult 11 - Macbeth
Go, prick thy face, and over-red thy fear, Thou lily-liver'd boy.

Shakespeare Insult 12 - Henry IV Part 1
Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!

Shakespeare Insult 13 - Measure for Measure
A flesh monger, a fool, and a coward.

Shakespeare Insult 14 - Henry IV Part 1
That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?

Shakespeare Insult 15 - Henry IV Part 1
You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat's-tongue, you bull's-pizzle, you stock-fish--O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!

Shakespeare Insult 16 - Henry IV Part 1
Peace, ye fat guts!

Shakespeare Insult 17 - Henry V
There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.

Shakespeare Insult 18 - Richard III
Thou poisonous bunch-back'd toad!

Shakespeare Insult 19 - Richard III
Thou art unfit for any place but hell.

Shakespeare Insult 20 - Hamlet
Thou are pigeon-liver'd and lack gall.

Shakespeare Insult 21 - All's Well That Ends Well
Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.

Shakespeare Insult 22 - Henry V
Thine face is not worth sunburning.

Shakespeare Insult 23 - As You Like It
Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.

Shakespeare Insult 24 - Henry IV Part
You are as a candle, the better burnt out.

Shakespeare Insult 25 - Hamlet
If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them.

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katatonic
Knowflake

Posts: 4207
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 10:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for katatonic     Edit/Delete Message
i'll tickle your catastrophe!!

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Happy Dragon
Knowflake

Posts: 505
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 10:14 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Happy Dragon     Edit/Delete Message
Shakespeare .. must have been interesting being around when he was in a foul mood :-))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ http://classiclit.about.com/od/cyranodebergerac/a/aa_cyranoquotes.htm ~

~ http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/c/cyrano_de_bergerac.html ~

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cpn_edgar_winner
Knowflake

Posts: 2509
From: Toledo, OH
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 10:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cpn_edgar_winner     Edit/Delete Message
Shakespeare Insult 8 - All's Well That Ends Well
Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.

(HD- he did have a way with words.)!
I liked that one too Kat.
tickle your catastrophe! too funny!

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AbsintheDragonfly
Knowflake

Posts: 566
From: Gaia
Registered: Apr 2010

posted July 01, 2010 10:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for AbsintheDragonfly     Edit/Delete Message
Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.

ROFL!!!

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cpn_edgar_winner
Knowflake

Posts: 2509
From: Toledo, OH
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 10:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cpn_edgar_winner     Edit/Delete Message
Shakespeare Insult 22 - Henry V
Thine face is not worth sunburning.
now that is classic!

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cpn_edgar_winner
Knowflake

Posts: 2509
From: Toledo, OH
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 10:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cpn_edgar_winner     Edit/Delete Message
"Swine! Did I not forbid you to appear?!"
- Edmond Rostand, Cyrano de Bergerac, Act 1

HD those were great!


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cpn_edgar_winner
Knowflake

Posts: 2509
From: Toledo, OH
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 10:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cpn_edgar_winner     Edit/Delete Message

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson

soooo funny to me!

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AbsintheDragonfly
Knowflake

Posts: 566
From: Gaia
Registered: Apr 2010

posted July 01, 2010 10:35 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for AbsintheDragonfly     Edit/Delete Message
Common sense is not so common.
Voltaire

A witty saying proves nothing.
Voltaire

He must be very ignorant for he answers every question he is asked.
Voltaire

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Ami Ann
Knowflake

Posts: 1915
From: US
Registered: Dec 2009

posted July 01, 2010 11:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Ann     Edit/Delete Message
Can I add some which are not exactly insults but just plain funny?

Sex without love is an empty experience but as empty experiences go,it's one of the best.
Woody Allen

I do unto others what they do unto me,only worse. Jimmy Hoffa

I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million and would sign half over to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. Bette Davis.

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T
Knowflake

Posts: 2163
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 01, 2010 11:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for T     Edit/Delete Message
Great stuff!

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