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Author Topic:   control
letram
Knowflake

Posts: 604
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Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 03, 2010 06:16 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for letram     Edit/Delete Message
what is it really to people?

why do some seek it more than others?

how can we as people teach ourselves not to desire it?


if i told you i have issues with control, could you offer me any advice on what i can do to manage it or even 'let go' ?

thanks for reading.

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Spanky Butler
Knowflake

Posts: 945
From: Australia
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 03, 2010 06:26 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Spanky Butler     Edit/Delete Message
Hi letram

As a self confessed control freak, I have struggled with this in the past & occasionally in the present. For me it was about safety & I felt the need to control everything & everyone around me. I spoke to a friend about it some years ago because it was causing me a lot of problems, she told me that the only person you can control is yourself & these words resonated with me so strongly that it changed the way I deal with situations & events that make me uneasy.

There is no one method of dealing with the issues of control that arise though because every person is unique.

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letram
Knowflake

Posts: 604
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posted August 03, 2010 06:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for letram     Edit/Delete Message
hi,

would you care to elaborate on how it changed you and what you did differently? how did it affect your thinking?

thanks for replying

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Spanky Butler
Knowflake

Posts: 945
From: Australia
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 03, 2010 07:10 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Spanky Butler     Edit/Delete Message
Well it's a fact that I am always wanting to know why. Why do I react this way & why do people do x y & z, why, why, why because I want to improve myself instead of accepting my own bad behaviour so you can see that I was in a place where I was willing to change & was ready for the knowledge & following epiphany.

I was inspired to react differently in any given situation.

For instance, I had a friend who I felt very close too when I was a teenager, she was fun, bright & bubbly but she was also irresponsible & did many things that put her safety in danger & because I cared about her, I would stay with her regardless of how it made me feel. That was until I repeated that little phrase to myself like a mantra & decided that it was best to remove myself rather than try to control her actions.

Am I explaining this well enough for you letram? I guess I feel like I'm rambling now.

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letram
Knowflake

Posts: 604
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posted August 03, 2010 07:16 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for letram     Edit/Delete Message
thanks again for sharing Spanky,

you did just fine!, i encourage you to share more, as much as you are comfortable with. please don't be afraid to ramble, if others will not find it valuable, you can atleast know that i really value what you have to say here.

what you wrote in one paragraph is more valuable to me than what i read 5 times out of 10 in this forum.

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Spanky Butler
Knowflake

Posts: 945
From: Australia
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 03, 2010 07:21 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Spanky Butler     Edit/Delete Message
I'm happy to help & I'm glad your getting something out of it.


I think in most people the need to control comes from a place of insecurity. What that insecurity is will be different for everyone. Then there are those few who enjoy the power they feel at having a certain authority or dominion over others.

Like I said, it all depends on the individual.

Do you mind if I ask what brought this subject to mind?

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letram
Knowflake

Posts: 604
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posted August 03, 2010 07:27 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for letram     Edit/Delete Message
not really,

it came to mind because i am concerned about myself and i'm also concerned about affecting particularly someone i care about.

i have realized i have fallen into a state of mind, a way of thinking, that isnt really healthy or very good.

i think i have control issues and i don't wan't to be controlling if it makes me bad and affects others.

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Spanky Butler
Knowflake

Posts: 945
From: Australia
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 03, 2010 07:30 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Spanky Butler     Edit/Delete Message
Then you're on your way to recovery already letram!


It may be hard to get into the habit but you will start to catch yourself when you fall back into old patterns.

You can do it

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Lara
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posted August 03, 2010 08:56 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lara     Edit/Delete Message
Great posts Spanky

I agree, control freak behaviour stems from fear/insecurities. it is common to want to control every situation of the control freaks world both inner and outer. I have no first hand experience of what its like to be a controlling person but a lot of arian men in my life have been control freaks and I have observed that psychological help is generally needed for this pattern of behaviour.

Mind harnessing can help a lot as long as the person whom is controlling is even aware of what they are doing.
Hope that helps a bit.

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letram
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posted August 03, 2010 09:18 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for letram     Edit/Delete Message
Lara, would you care to share your experiences in dealing with controlling men in your life? how were they controlling, and how did it affect you? how did you deal with it?

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Yin
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posted August 03, 2010 09:30 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Yin     Edit/Delete Message
Goodness, show me a man/woman who doesn't have a problem with control and I'll show you a liar. All in varying degrees, of course.

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Ami Ann
Knowflake

Posts: 2905
From: US
Registered: Dec 2009

posted August 03, 2010 09:56 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Ann     Edit/Delete Message
I think the feeling of not being able to keep yourself safe makes you want to control others.
If you feel boundary--less and vulnerable to other's--what they think of you etc--then you want to control them cuz it hurts too much when they don't like you/approve of you etc.


Ami

------------------
Who looks outside dreams;who looks inside wakes.

Jung

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WinkAway
Moderator

Posts: 946
From: here, there & everywhere
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 03, 2010 01:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for WinkAway     Edit/Delete Message
Yin.. I agree.

I'm not a control freak, but I find it hard to detach from my 18 year old daughter. I find that I still want to tell her who, what, where and when. This bothers me because I don't want to be like that with her. I need to let go, but it's harder than it sounds.

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Ami Ann
Knowflake

Posts: 2905
From: US
Registered: Dec 2009

posted August 03, 2010 01:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Ann     Edit/Delete Message
Did the woman you care about call you controlling, Letram?
You don't have to answer but if you do--you have the combined wisdom of lots of woman here who have been through lots of life lol


Ami

------------------
Who looks outside dreams;who looks inside wakes.

Jung

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letram
Knowflake

Posts: 604
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posted August 03, 2010 01:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for letram     Edit/Delete Message
Ami,

she hasn't.

i would love for them all to share these experiences, what they are comfortable with of course.

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Ami Ann
Knowflake

Posts: 2905
From: US
Registered: Dec 2009

posted August 03, 2010 02:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Ann     Edit/Delete Message
IF you want---you could talk about this last relationship and we could give our opinions.
IF you are comfortable ,of course.
Everyone has different comfort levels on here and everywhere , really lol


Ami

------------------
Who looks outside dreams;who looks inside wakes.

Jung

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letram
Knowflake

Posts: 604
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Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 03, 2010 02:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for letram     Edit/Delete Message
thanks Ami,

that is thoughtful, but i don't seek an opinion on me at all, just anyones experiences of dealing with controlling people or being controlling themselves. but particularly hwo they managed their behaviour if it is of a high degree, or how they learned to let go


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Winged Leo
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Posts: 199
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posted August 03, 2010 04:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Winged Leo     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
Goodness, show me a man/woman who doesn't have a problem with control and I'll show you a liar. All in varying degrees, of course.

Yin

Hi Letram,

I feel a little responsible that you are opening these threads, so I want to apologize if any of my posts these two days affected you negatively. Usually I'm a very tolerant, calm and relaxed person, but there are times when the line is really crossed and injustice happens and calls you to stand for your truth. I don't know if anything like this ever happened to you, but if it did, you know what I mean. The biggest challenge here is to speak your truth without losing your grace and decency and leave it at that, not trying to convince anybody or defending yourself. Was I successful doing this in the last two days? No and I'm not proud of it, so I'm still trying to learn to let go.

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Ami Ann
Knowflake

Posts: 2905
From: US
Registered: Dec 2009

posted August 03, 2010 04:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Ann     Edit/Delete Message
(((Winged Leo)))
You don't need to apologize for being strong and decisive.You are a winner in my book. There are too many people in life who won't take a stand out of fear/ insecurity/ weakness.Most people won't.
Did you ever study the Milgrim experiments?


Ami



------------------
Who looks outside dreams;who looks inside wakes.

Jung

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letram
Knowflake

Posts: 604
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 03, 2010 04:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for letram     Edit/Delete Message
Winged,

i assure you my topics are influenced by the state of the forum and no one individual.
we all make mistakes, the greatest don't repeat them and learn from them.

the best learn from mistakes commited by others and don't even make them themselves.

i would love for you to contribute to the topics

take care

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Ami Ann
Knowflake

Posts: 2905
From: US
Registered: Dec 2009

posted August 03, 2010 05:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Ann     Edit/Delete Message
I just want to say that in my opinion Winged Leo did not make a mistake.
If other people don't agree--even if the majority does not agree does not make it wrong, IMO.


Ami

------------------
Who looks outside dreams;who looks inside wakes.

Jung

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popcorn
Knowflake

Posts: 1310
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Registered: Aug 2009

posted August 11, 2010 04:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for popcorn     Edit/Delete Message
Spanky butler. I've the same view as you. Exactly.

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