posted August 03, 2010 05:09 PM         

May a hell of a lot of drunk Ricky Martin impersonators hex 'taters underneath your palm pilot.

Take you me for a sponge?

Thou infectious clay-brained bum-bailey!

"Thou art an artless, crook-pated, fawning, mewling, elf-skinned puttock."

Yarr black hearted green limbed galley slave.

Yarr treacherous festering gallows monkey.

You slime pit colonising, feathered beetle.

You coal drinking, carbon based splodge.

You pustulent drip of friendless chicken guts.

May a cult of incompetent undergraduate students perform unnatural acts on your watch

posted August 03, 2010 05:34 PM         

I discovered that your mind is so open that ideas simply pass through it.
You have a very sharp tongue but it does not mean you have a keen mind.

You don't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again you don't know the meaning of most words.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

I have realised that calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. If you feel I am wrong then Go ahead, tell me everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds. You have a mind like a steel trap - always closed.

I learnt from your replies that the only place you're ever invited is outside. I learnt that you were actually born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I also learnt from your replies that you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you. And that you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

You are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

I'll never forget the first time we met although I'll keep trying. If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

You've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn. Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals. Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get. Nobody says that you are dumb on your face. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live. The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.

When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening. I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice. I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.

Jesus just phoned. He hates you after all because You look like a dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair. And, because Your face is filled with broken Commandments. But, Nature played a cruel trick on you - you lived.

On a different note You look like a million dollars - all green and wrinkly. Right now I'm sitting here looking at you trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass. Poof be gone, your breath is too strong, I don't wanna be mean, but you need listerine, not a sip, not a swallow, but the whole friggin bottle.

I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me. Your test results reveal that you're a self-made person. It's awfully nice of you to take the blame. The results also reveal that you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.

People come and people go...and the sooner you're gone, the better.

posted August 03, 2010 06:09 PM         

At times, we all have an axe to grind. Currently, I'm grinding my axe in regards to Ms. Koiflower's litanies. Please note that many of the conclusions I'm about to draw are based on cogent and virtually incontrovertible evidence provided by a set of people who have suffered immensely on account of Koiflower. Let me offer some free advice to her blackshirts: Stop brandishing the word "labyrinthibranchiate" (as it is commonly spelled) to hoodwink people into believing that Koiflower can change her predaceous ways! I won't pull any punches here: Her shock troops have tried repeatedly to assure me that she will eventually tire of her plan to pursue a twofold credo of ruffianism and Jacobinism and will then step aside and let us encourage the ethos of exchange value over use value. When that will happen is unclear—probably sometime between "don't hold your breath" and "beware of flying pigs".

I try never to argue with Koiflower because it's clear she's not susceptible to reason. She promises that if we give her and her worshippers additional powers, she'll guard us from what I call meretricious, presumptuous moochers. My question, however is, Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?—Who will guard the guards? She's a stupid person's idea of a clever person. Disguised in this drollery is an important message: She is on some sort of thesaurus-fueled rampage. Every sentence Koiflower writes is filled with needlessly long words like "unconstitutionality" and "compartmentalization". Either she is deliberately trying to confuse us or else she's secretly scheming to let us know exactly what our attitudes should be towards various types of people and behavior.

People often get the impression that what I call impulsive showboaters and Koiflower's understrappers are separate entities. Not so. When one catches cold, the other sneezes. As proof, note that it's best to ignore most of the quotes that Koiflower so frequently cites. She takes quotes out of context; uses misleading, irrelevant, and out-of-date quotes; and presents quotes from legitimate authorities used misleadingly to support contentions that they did not intend and that are not true. In short, Koiflower presents one face to the public, a face that tells people what they want to hear. Then, in private, she devises new schemes to pose a threat to the survival of democracy.

Koiflower is entirely mistaken if she believes that it is not only acceptable but indeed desirable to threaten national security. Every so often you'll see her lament, flog herself, cry mea culpa for making our country spiritually blind, and vow never again to be so voluble. Sadly, she always reverts to her old behavior immediately afterwards, making me think that she yields to the mammalian desire to assert individuality by attracting attention. Unfortunately, for Koiflower, "attracting attention" usually implies "shifting blame from those who benefit from oppression to those who suffer from it". Are you still with me? Koiflower is not interested in what is true and what is false or in what is good and what is evil. In fact, those distinctions have no meaning to her whatsoever. The only thing that has any meaning to Koiflower is statism. Why? The key to answering such questions is to realize that for Koiflower, all roads lead to anarchism.

I mean, really. When Koiflower says that racialism resonates with the body's natural alpha waves, in her mind, that's supposed to end the argument. It's like she believes she has said something very profound. Sometimes it seems lecherous nitwits are like a farmer who, in the spring, would work the ground, plant seeds, fertilize, and cultivate the ground for a period of time. And then, perhaps, he decides to go off to Hawaii and have a good time and forget the reason he planted the crop in the first place. Well, a farmer wouldn't do that. But Koiflower would consign our traditional values to the rubbish heap of Dadaism if she got the chance.

What's the best way to tamp down any doubts that the dynamics of the situation are such that in plain language, Koiflower's views no more represent the convictions of those of us here than Louis XVI's represented the sentiments of the French people? That's actually a tough nut to crack. The answer is related the way that Koiflower's ballyhoos are designed to seize control over where we eat, sleep, socialize, and associate with others. And they're working; they're having the desired effect. Koiflower practically breaks her arm patting herself on the back when she says, "It takes courage to go down into the muddy trenches and hammer away at the characters of all those who will not help Koiflower create a climate of intimidation." As if that were something to be proud of.

Koiflower wants us to believe that we can solve all of our problems by giving her lots of money. We might as well toss that money down a well because we'll never see it again. What we will see, however, is that I have a message for Koiflower. My message is that, for the good of us all, she should never foster and intensify her drug-drenched drama of immorality. She should never even try to do such a stuck-up thing. To make myself perfectly clear, by "never" I don't mean "maybe", "sometimes", or "it depends". I mean only that if we don't bring strength to our families, power to our nation, and health to our cities, then Koiflower will soon become unstoppable. No borders will be able to detain her. No united global opinion will be able to isolate her. No international police or juridical institutions will be able to interdict her.

Over time, Koiflower's machinations have progressed from being merely frightful to being superfrightful, hyperfrightful, and recently ultrafrightful. In fact, I'd say that now they're even megafrightful. For the sake of clarity, let me quickly note that by Koiflower's standards, if you have morals, believe that character counts, and actually raise your own children—let alone teach them to be morally fit—you're definitely a sexist champion of deceit, lies, theft, plunder, and rapine. My standards—and I suspect yours as well—are quite different from hers. For instance, I indisputably suspect that Koiflower proclaims at every opportunity that she'd never twist our entire societal valuation of love and relationships beyond all insanity. The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

I will never give up. I will never stop trying. And I will use every avenue possible to think outside the box. It's really a tragedy that Koiflower's goal in life is apparently to shout direct personal insults and invitations to exchange fisticuffs. Here, I use the word "tragedy" as the philosopher Whitehead used it. Whitehead stated that "the essence of dramatic tragedy is not unhappiness. It resides in the solemnity of the remorseless working of things," which I interpret as saying that Koiflower's behavior might be different if she were told that no one today believes that the rest of us are an inferior group of people, fit only to be enslaved, beaten, and butchered at the whim of our betters. Of course, as far as Koiflower is concerned, this fact will fall into the category of, "My mind is made up; don't confuse me with the facts." That's why I'm telling you that her notions are based on hate. Hate, nepotism, and an intolerance of another viewpoint, another way of life.

posted August 03, 2010 06:11 PM         

My complaint about Ms. Absinthe Dragonfly

I've reached a point where I feel the need to express my disappointment with Ms. Absinthe Dragonfly. Whoa! Don't stampede for the exits! I promise I'll get to the main topic of this letter, Ms. Dragonfly's scary, testy fairy tales, in just a few sentences. I simply feel it's important first to provide some additional context by mentioning that Ms. Dragonfly's personal attacks serve only to make people increasingly ruthless. At some point, we'll reach a "ruthless event horizon" where everything in the universe will be ruthless. At that point, it will no longer matter that you don't need me to tell you that Ms. Dragonfly claims that the world can be happy only when her coalition is given full rein. That claim is preposterous and, to use Ms. Dragonfly's own language, overtly foolhardy. No history can justify it.

I intend to look closely at Ms. Dragonfly's hypnopompic insights to see what makes them so effectual at stealing our birthrights. I should expect to find—this is a guess that I currently lack sufficient knowledge to verify—that Ms. Dragonfly has found a way to avoid compliance with government regulations, circumvent any further litigation, and scar little children's self-image—all by trumping up a phony emergency. A central fault line runs through each of her tricks. Specifically, her pleas have kept us separated for too long from the love, contributions, and challenges of our brothers and sisters in this wonderful adventure we share together—life! It should be clear by this point that I want to make this clear so that those who do not understand deeper messages embedded within sarcastic irony—and you know who I'm referring to—can process my point. It has been proven time and time again that if five years ago I had described a person like Ms. Dragonfly to you and told you that in five years she'd hold annual private conferences in which foul-mouthed, stolid deadheads are invited to present their "research", you'd have thought me inane. You'd have laughed at me and told me it couldn't happen. So it is useful now to note that, first, it has happened and, second, to try to understand how it happened and how some reputed—as opposed to reputable—members of her terrorist organization quite adamantly contend that might makes right. I find it rather astonishing that anyone could insist such a thing, but then again, Ms. Dragonfly has repeatedly been spotted adopting approaches that have not been tested to try to solve problems that have not been well-defined. When questioned about that, she either denies any knowledge of it or offers unbelievable and ludicrous explanations that only a splenetic vulgarian could believe.

I cannot believe how many actual, physical, breathing, thinking people have fallen for Ms. Dragonfly's subterfuge. I'm completely stunned. It saddens me that Ms. Dragonfly's subalterns believe that bad things "just happen" (i.e., they're not caused by Ms. Dragonfly herself). Although it is perhaps impossible to change the perspective of those who have such beliefs, I wish nevertheless to fight the good fight. She always demands instant gratification. That's all that is of concern to her; nothing else matters—except maybe to advocate vindictive litanies. I tell you this because Ms. Dragonfly's hysteria-producing newsgroup postings are sufficient to give pause to the less thoughtful among us. "Oh, oh," such people think. "We'd better help Ms. Dragonfly befuddle the public and make sin seem like merely a sophisticated fashion—just in case."

You might have heard the story that Ms. Dragonfly once agreed to help us explain a few facets of this confusing world around us while remaining true to those beliefs, ideals, and aspirations we hold most dear. No one has located the document in which Ms. Dragonfly said that. No one has identified when or where Ms. Dragonfly said that. That's because she never said it. As you might have suspected, Ms. Dragonfly seems unable to think of turns of speech that aren't hackneyed. What really grates on my nerves, however, is that her prose consists less of words chosen for the sake of their meaning than of phrases tacked together like the sections of a prefabricated henhouse.

We must work together to build a true community of spirit and purpose based on mutual respect and caring. What can you do to help? For starters, you might want to bring fresh leadership and even-handed tolerance to the present controversy. I personally derive great satisfaction in doing that sort of thing because the fabric of Ms. Dragonfly's op-ed pieces is infused with self-serving philistinism. That's the current situation, and if you have any doubt about the reality of it, then you haven't been paying close enough attention to what's been happening in the world.

Courage is what we need to strike at the heart of Ms. Dragonfly's efforts to create an atmosphere that may temporarily energize or exhilarate but which, at the same time, will pose the gravest of human threats—not politeness, not intellectual flair, not cleverness with words, just courage. And it sometimes takes a lot of courage to look a snappish Luddite in the eye and tell her that by overusing such obscure words as "labyrinthibranchiate" and "mechanicocorpuscular" Ms. Dragonfly consistently manages to alienate her audience. Of course, this sounds simple, but in reality, the real issue is simple: A recent fact-finder's report revealed that she is the most blatant enemy of peace, stability, and human progress the world has ever seen.

If we fail to restore the ancient traditions that Ms. Dragonfly has abandoned then all of our sacrifices will be as forgotten as the sand blowing across Ozymandias's dead empire. The "decay of that colossal wreck," as the poet Shelley puts it, teaches us that I am not embarrassed to admit that I have neither the training, the experience, the license, nor the clinical setting necessary to properly snap Ms. Dragonfly's pals out of their trance. Nevertheless, I really do have the will to speak up and speak out against her. That's why I allege that in order to ring the bells of truth we must do something about the continuing—make that the escalating—effort on her part to replace discourse and open dialogue with uneducated protests and blatant ugliness. And that's just the first step. Remember, the ostensible basis for Ms. Dragonfly's speech codes is as phony as the loose and biased standards applied to enforce them. Need I say more? I don't think so, but this I will say: Ms. Dragonfly, with her craftiness and shallow whinges, will entirely control our country's exuberant riches one of these days. Ms. Dragonfly will then use those riches to replicate the most unregenerate structures of contemporary life. The moral of this story is that she thinks I'm trying to say that Ms. Dragonfly is renowned for her racial and cultural sensitivity. Wait! I just heard something. Oh, never mind; it's just the sound of the point zooming way over Ms. Dragonfly's head.

What frightens you more: Ms. Dragonfly's unscrupulous recommendations or the fact that Ms. Dragonfly wears her ignorance like a badge of honor on her sleeve? If you were to ask me, I'd say the latter but only because Ms. Dragonfly's goombahs get a thrill out of protesting. They have no idea what causes they're fighting for or against. For them, going down to the local protest, carrying a sign, hanging out with Ms. Dragonfly, and meeting some other obtuse rapscallions is merely a social event. They're not even aware that under the label of "puerile" are those, like Ms. Dragonfly, who limit the terms of debate by declaring certain subjects beyond discussion. But it goes further than that; Ms. Dragonfly and her winged monkeys are a bunch of hoodwinkers. As you know, hoodwinkers are misfits; misfits are charlatans; charlatans are skinheads; and skinheads all want to pursue a twofold credo of autism and pauperism. The point is that Ms. Dragonfly is trying hard to convince a substantial number of anal-retentive sideshow barkers to make her bunco games a key dynamic in modern animalism by viscerally defining "phytopaleontological" through the experience of wild Bulverism. She presumably believes that the "hundredth-monkey phenomenon" will spontaneously incite cheeky, inimical schemers to behave likewise. The reality, however, is that as soon as Ms. Dragonfly found the resources to do so she lost no time in siphoning off scarce international capital intended for underdeveloped countries. The inevitable followed: Imprudent slimeballs started creating anomie. The scariest part of all of this is that Ms. Dragonfly alleges that it's unambitious to build a new understanding that can transport us to tomorrow and encourage others to do the same. Naturally, this is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Ms. Dragonfly is doing everything in her power to make me get torn apart by wild dogs. The only reason I haven't yet is that I believe in the four P's: patience, prayer, positive thinking, and perseverance. She is an expert at shameless name-dropping. That shouldn't surprise you when you consider that I once told her that she should take a step back and look at everything from a different perspective. How did she respond to that? She proceeded to curse me off using a number of colorful expletives not befitting this letter, which serves only to show that Ms. Dragonfly not only lies but brags about her lying to her faithfuls.

posted August 04, 2010 04:15 AM         

I'll never be short of insults in this lifetime!!!

I'd better make sure I have a dictionary nearby when I hurl my insults, just in case the insultee asks me what I mean!!