posted December 13, 2010 01:42 PM            

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me. "

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no...." interrupts God,

posted December 13, 2010 01:44 PM            

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole." !!!

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!

posted December 13, 2010 01:50 PM            

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my

sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing

how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to

play a trick. She told my sister that she needed

something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of

the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,

and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the

turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the

turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the

stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,

she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother

exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant

bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news,

my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that

turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

posted December 13, 2010 01:52 PM            

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If FORD had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, FORD issued a press release stating:

If FORD had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash......... Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

posted December 13, 2010 01:55 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by scorpio17:

---

posted December 13, 2010 01:56 PM            

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

posted December 13, 2010 01:57 PM            

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (Who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said "Did your Mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said "Yes".

posted December 13, 2010 02:02 PM            

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the

bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet

not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That's nice!'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in

the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750.'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go

outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't; I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000.'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like

that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to

church, to confession.'

posted December 13, 2010 02:17 PM            

Hope this isn't for real lol.
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=48757

posted December 14, 2010 01:02 PM            

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------